Can't read can't concentrate
- Thread starter lakenda
- Start date
This is a nice start allready. A very important step is to really open your eyes like you are doing now. Instead of just going on like this you drew the line and decided, this is not the way.
And offcourse you get depressed, because now you see that what you have been doing was hiding and that is a painfull insight. But believe it or not that is a good thing, because when you wouldn't be depressed there is no trigger that makes you want to change your situation and you keep going the wrong directing.
So accepting you have social anxiety is the best start there is. From there you can start moving forward and i think CBT can be very helpfull with that, because it focusses on the obstructing thoughts you have in certain situations.
Actually 2 months ago i started doing CBT aswell (for the second time). The first time i was so scared to do these exposure assignments that unconsiously i tried to convince my therapist that this therapy wasn't gonna help me, eventhough i signed up for it and deepdown i believe it can help. I guess that was a way for me to try to get out of these assignments. Now i realised that i signed up for the second time and now im really pushing myself and not contantly thinking if its gonna help me or not. If it works its great, but if it doesn't then at least i tried.
I think this therapy is very very hard. Possibly the hardest thing i ever had to do. Mostly because it's so difficult to stay motivated to put yourself in these scary situations and quiting is very easy. For example, the goal of ever having nice friends or a girlfriend doesn't really motivate me, because now almost everything that has to do with that scares me to death (like going to a bar or a restaurant with friends or having to go to birthdayparties). So much that it almost makes me NOT want to have friends
But i know thats the anxiety talking, because i remember from when i was young how it was to have real friends and not be scared for everything.
I'm telling you this because i hope my experiences will help you making the therapy a succes. If you succeed i have the utmost respect for you (for anybody who does).
ps. The real you is not boring i'm sure. Its the anxiety and depression that makes you not be able to do what you really want. Blame it on the anxiety
And offcourse you get depressed, because now you see that what you have been doing was hiding and that is a painfull insight. But believe it or not that is a good thing, because when you wouldn't be depressed there is no trigger that makes you want to change your situation and you keep going the wrong directing.
So accepting you have social anxiety is the best start there is. From there you can start moving forward and i think CBT can be very helpfull with that, because it focusses on the obstructing thoughts you have in certain situations.
Actually 2 months ago i started doing CBT aswell (for the second time). The first time i was so scared to do these exposure assignments that unconsiously i tried to convince my therapist that this therapy wasn't gonna help me, eventhough i signed up for it and deepdown i believe it can help. I guess that was a way for me to try to get out of these assignments. Now i realised that i signed up for the second time and now im really pushing myself and not contantly thinking if its gonna help me or not. If it works its great, but if it doesn't then at least i tried.
I think this therapy is very very hard. Possibly the hardest thing i ever had to do. Mostly because it's so difficult to stay motivated to put yourself in these scary situations and quiting is very easy. For example, the goal of ever having nice friends or a girlfriend doesn't really motivate me, because now almost everything that has to do with that scares me to death (like going to a bar or a restaurant with friends or having to go to birthdayparties). So much that it almost makes me NOT want to have friends
But i know thats the anxiety talking, because i remember from when i was young how it was to have real friends and not be scared for everything.I'm telling you this because i hope my experiences will help you making the therapy a succes. If you succeed i have the utmost respect for you (for anybody who does).
ps. The real you is not boring i'm sure. Its the anxiety and depression that makes you not be able to do what you really want. Blame it on the anxiety
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It might sound odd, but why not think of it in a different way? Like think about what you really want, maybe if you think how it doesn't matter what others think, you'll be OK with how you are. Why should we have loads of friends just so others can see we do? If we havn't come across the right ones who understand us, thats ok and not our fault.
You are right, but if you have always been concerned about what other people think of you its very hard to say: "Ok from now on i don't care anymore". That doesn't go overnight. I think this is a proces you have to go through by constantly monitoring your thoughts and doing the exposure. Eventually you stop caring too much how you might be judged by others.
PoisonedLollipops
Member
Have you ever considered ADHD? Just a thought that came to mind when I read that...
Peace
Hey Lakenda, what have you been eating? Just curious...
Because some foods and some behaviors can make ADD/ADHD or anxiety/depression etc worse.. (it depends, it can be related to other things too..) Are you on any meds? (They may have side effects too..)
Not enough movement/exercise or being online/on compuer too much, can make one ADD-ish/depress-ish too...
Also, these past few days have been quite stressful, with the things in Japan etc happening, I think there's a big 'shift' worldwide... (?) Maybe I'm imagining things, but the past few days I've been feeling really sucky, and at times this happened in the past too.. before/around some world-changing events.. (though I didn't know it at the time, before it) don't wanna call myself 'psychic' (and it was definitely for some other reasons too) but maybe on some level we are all sensitive to what happens on the other side of the world too..? like Jung's collective psyche or something like that maybe?
(on the other hand, maybe after something like that happens everyone can be 'smart' about it hmm..?)
I'm staying mostly off gluten/bread and sweets today and I feel better..
YOU are the only one who can assign people into category of 'friends' or 'not-friends/acquaintances'.. Nobody else will know.. (Shocking, I know!)
People have different categories and 'basic musts' for 'friends' so even those who you think of as 'acquaintances' may think of you as 'friend'... and there are no 'universal' rules for what a true friend is... and even if you are just 'acquaintances' with someone, your flatmates may think it's a 'friend'... hey, they thought my friend or my coz was my sister or that my sister isn't my sister, and other random things... You don't go around with 'friend ID' that says who is and who isn't a friend, and in what degree of friendship...
How do you define a 'friend' and what makes you say someone is a 'true friend'? What kind of friends would you like to find? (may give you a clue as to where to find'em... eg activities you could join etc.) Do you mean friends you could call and hang out with, that would come to the appartment? Some people just socialize elsewhere, and hey when you go to the library, nobody knows if you're in the library or with a friend or a few!! (unless they go to the library too and you could maybe become library buddies if you study there together?)
Some people don't wanna socialize where they live on purpose, to concentrate on studying better or to stay faithful to their bf back home etc, so there may be all sorts of cool people who just don't socialize much, for different reasons.. (and maybe you're a bit of an intriguing mystery to your house mates!!) Maybe they think, hey she's interesting, what's she doing...?
Also, you could become friends with (some of) the people you live with, maybe? Are they all horrible or could some be nice once you get to know them? You only need one friend/good acquaintance and others may see you're fun and want to become your friends/good acquaintances too!
Sometimes you can turn acquaintance into friend, by (focusing on what is important to you in a friendship) eg sharing good experiences and meaningful conversations etc. Sharing values of what is important or working for common causes etc. Or just going to the gym together, you can have all sorts of different friends... for different aspects of life...
a support group sounds great!
you can talk to us here, it'd be great to hear about your experiences with CBT ! I've only ever done it via books and journalling.. so kinda self-coaching.. I'm really curious how it is via therapist, and if it's any better than from books etc.
Just curious...Because some foods and some behaviors can make ADD/ADHD or anxiety/depression etc worse.. (it depends, it can be related to other things too..) Are you on any meds? (They may have side effects too..)
Not enough movement/exercise or being online/on compuer too much, can make one ADD-ish/depress-ish too...
Also, these past few days have been quite stressful, with the things in Japan etc happening, I think there's a big 'shift' worldwide... (?) Maybe I'm imagining things, but the past few days I've been feeling really sucky, and at times this happened in the past too.. before/around some world-changing events.. (though I didn't know it at the time, before it) don't wanna call myself 'psychic' (and it was definitely for some other reasons too) but maybe on some level we are all sensitive to what happens on the other side of the world too..? like Jung's collective psyche or something like that maybe?
(on the other hand, maybe after something like that happens everyone can be 'smart' about it hmm..?)
I'm staying mostly off gluten/bread and sweets today and I feel better..
YOU are the only one who can assign people into category of 'friends' or 'not-friends/acquaintances'.. Nobody else will know.. (Shocking, I know!
) People have different categories and 'basic musts' for 'friends' so even those who you think of as 'acquaintances' may think of you as 'friend'... and there are no 'universal' rules for what a true friend is... and even if you are just 'acquaintances' with someone, your flatmates may think it's a 'friend'... hey, they thought my friend or my coz was my sister or that my sister isn't my sister, and other random things... You don't go around with 'friend ID' that says who is and who isn't a friend, and in what degree of friendship...
How do you define a 'friend' and what makes you say someone is a 'true friend'? What kind of friends would you like to find? (may give you a clue as to where to find'em... eg activities you could join etc.) Do you mean friends you could call and hang out with, that would come to the appartment? Some people just socialize elsewhere, and hey when you go to the library, nobody knows if you're in the library or with a friend or a few!! (unless they go to the library too and you could maybe become library buddies if you study there together?)
Some people don't wanna socialize where they live on purpose, to concentrate on studying better or to stay faithful to their bf back home etc, so there may be all sorts of cool people who just don't socialize much, for different reasons.. (and maybe you're a bit of an intriguing mystery to your house mates!!) Maybe they think, hey she's interesting, what's she doing...?
Also, you could become friends with (some of) the people you live with, maybe? Are they all horrible or could some be nice once you get to know them? You only need one friend/good acquaintance and others may see you're fun and want to become your friends/good acquaintances too!
Sometimes you can turn acquaintance into friend, by (focusing on what is important to you in a friendship) eg sharing good experiences and meaningful conversations etc. Sharing values of what is important or working for common causes etc. Or just going to the gym together, you can have all sorts of different friends... for different aspects of life...
a support group sounds great!
you can talk to us here, it'd be great to hear about your experiences with CBT ! I've only ever done it via books and journalling.. so kinda self-coaching.. I'm really curious how it is via therapist, and if it's any better than from books etc.
You're Welcome It's nice to remember the student days!
hm, just ham sandwiches (=enough zinc I guess), maybe you could be lacking calcium or such? (or B vitamins if the bread is 'white'?) Sweets can be a problem, if you've been having any, stay away from those... And could you try a day with potatoes or rice instead of bread, to see if gluten could be a factor? (Potatoes or rice can be cheap too, no?) I get weird on just sandwiches/pizzas or such..
I think it's 'normal' to have "uni" friends and "home" friends and "work" friends- people that fit in different spheres... It seems you'd like more, so maybe you can start to work on it... You could maybe invite someone nice (it would be probably easier if a girl first, or a guy you're not interested in, or a whole group) for a cup of tea, and see what happens..
maybe start using the kitchen when a nice flat mate is around, talk a bit, express some 'easier' feelings/opinions (eg anxiety over exams/professors can be understood much better in exam season by other students who also want to do well etc)
It's not 'just all or nothing' - you can learn to express the 'easier' feelings that people relate to more first...
Sometimes it's even good to have people in different spheres... (so you don't get bored of one group too quickly, or if you eg go work or live elsewhere, or clash with someone from one group and may prefer to hang with another group then...)
What kind of life experience are we talking about? Like boyfriends and travel, or such? Many people may go to parties etc, but if you've been to one party, you've seen them all.. When people were speaking about past parties, some were so incredibly boring it's hard to tell - eg exactly what they got wasted with and where: b.o.r.i.n.g.!
And you can give excellent opinions or advice on boyfriend troubles even without having one! (Or help someone by just listening!)
In high school, I had practically no social life for a long time, just a few kinda-acquaintances/friends. Then joined the drama group and changed my life a bit and got some more acquaintances/friends.
At the Uni, do you think anyone wanted to know anything about my past social life or such?? huh, honey, we/they were too busy talking about present events etc!
Ask yourself, why would people even be interested in this and care? (in a negative way, I mean-?) Apparently you seem afraid they'd judge because of 'lack of social life/life experience' or such (?) But some people just think that people are content on their own!! You can be the 'cool mysterious girl' that everybody wants to know more about! (If you don't talk about parties or boys, it doesn't have to mean you weren't at any, maybe you're just not the 'kiss and tell' type?? stuff to consider!!) Some girls can bond over talking about relationships, but you can also talk about home/families/siblings... or hobbies/interests/films/music you like etc.
if you like singing and join or start a group that sings together, it may connect you more than talk of boyfriends and stuff!!
I only recently found out someone who I thought had lots of friends in primary school said she didn't have any friends at primary school at all! But in high school many were drawn to her enthusiasm and personality.. Some others 'bloomed' at the Uni or later! People change, and can learn better communication strategies or 'bloom late'
oh and if you've been smitten by a guy that can be a reason to not be able to concentrate too, hehe!! Maybe you need a confidante, but hopefully she'll not make you even more 'crazy' about this guy (or anyone else) before anything actually happens! Or try a journal?
If your friends/acquaintances talk about their friends and events you weren't at (it's probably boring for anyone who wasn't there, so you can maybe start talking to someone else in the group about something else?) or you can give your opinion on that, or just tease'em, or change the subject to something similar - or completely different!
Just be aware how lucky you are to be around all these interesting and amazing people! And to be able to meet new people etc! (I was really psyched before going to Uni, lol!)
Your enthusiasm is likely to be catchy and well, I don't think all these people were such hotshots back home either.. or maybe take a look and see some 'quieter' ones too, that you might have more in common with?
Do tell how the support group goes!
It's nice to remember the student days! hm, just ham sandwiches (=enough zinc I guess), maybe you could be lacking calcium or such? (or B vitamins if the bread is 'white'?) Sweets can be a problem, if you've been having any, stay away from those... And could you try a day with potatoes or rice instead of bread, to see if gluten could be a factor? (Potatoes or rice can be cheap too, no?) I get weird on just sandwiches/pizzas or such..
I think it's 'normal' to have "uni" friends and "home" friends and "work" friends- people that fit in different spheres... It seems you'd like more, so maybe you can start to work on it... You could maybe invite someone nice (it would be probably easier if a girl first, or a guy you're not interested in, or a whole group) for a cup of tea, and see what happens..
maybe start using the kitchen when a nice flat mate is around, talk a bit, express some 'easier' feelings/opinions (eg anxiety over exams/professors can be understood much better in exam season by other students who also want to do well etc)
It's not 'just all or nothing' - you can learn to express the 'easier' feelings that people relate to more first...
Sometimes it's even good to have people in different spheres... (so you don't get bored of one group too quickly, or if you eg go work or live elsewhere, or clash with someone from one group and may prefer to hang with another group then...)
What kind of life experience are we talking about? Like boyfriends and travel, or such? Many people may go to parties etc, but if you've been to one party, you've seen them all.. When people were speaking about past parties, some were so incredibly boring it's hard to tell - eg exactly what they got wasted with and where: b.o.r.i.n.g.!
And you can give excellent opinions or advice on boyfriend troubles even without having one! (Or help someone by just listening!)
In high school, I had practically no social life for a long time, just a few kinda-acquaintances/friends. Then joined the drama group and changed my life a bit and got some more acquaintances/friends.
At the Uni, do you think anyone wanted to know anything about my past social life or such?? huh, honey, we/they were too busy talking about present events etc!
Ask yourself, why would people even be interested in this and care? (in a negative way, I mean-?) Apparently you seem afraid they'd judge because of 'lack of social life/life experience' or such (?) But some people just think that people are content on their own!! You can be the 'cool mysterious girl' that everybody wants to know more about! (If you don't talk about parties or boys, it doesn't have to mean you weren't at any, maybe you're just not the 'kiss and tell' type?? stuff to consider!!) Some girls can bond over talking about relationships, but you can also talk about home/families/siblings... or hobbies/interests/films/music you like etc.
if you like singing and join or start a group that sings together, it may connect you more than talk of boyfriends and stuff!!
I only recently found out someone who I thought had lots of friends in primary school said she didn't have any friends at primary school at all! But in high school many were drawn to her enthusiasm and personality.. Some others 'bloomed' at the Uni or later! People change, and can learn better communication strategies or 'bloom late'
oh and if you've been smitten by a guy that can be a reason to not be able to concentrate too, hehe!! Maybe you need a confidante, but hopefully she'll not make you even more 'crazy' about this guy (or anyone else) before anything actually happens! Or try a journal?
If your friends/acquaintances talk about their friends and events you weren't at (it's probably boring for anyone who wasn't there, so you can maybe start talking to someone else in the group about something else?) or you can give your opinion on that, or just tease'em, or change the subject to something similar - or completely different!
Just be aware how lucky you are to be around all these interesting and amazing people! And to be able to meet new people etc! (I was really psyched before going to Uni, lol!)
Your enthusiasm is likely to be catchy and well, I don't think all these people were such hotshots back home either.. or maybe take a look and see some 'quieter' ones too, that you might have more in common with?
Do tell how the support group goes!
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