Can empathy be the solution ?

[LeoC]

Well, 2 weeks ago i somehow found a way to socialize almost normally which seemed impossible just the day before that. I've long thought that my problem is that I tend to block in a "fear" like feeling that makes me irrationally uncomfortable in social situations. What i discovered is that if experience consciousness from other people's point of view, that is if i try to really experience what they are experiencing or saying as if i were in their shoes, i find myself being rational and not just having fear. Of course it is not an exact science, it's an art of guessing and calculating what the other person is experiencing. It allows me to judge people impartially, and it helps me predict the outcome of the actions i may overtake or words i may say regarding them. To give an example, if i'm walking down the street, and it's a summer sunday morning, then i will think "all these people are taking a break from job, they are are happy, enjoying the sunny day", and then i will act in this context and not be paranoid as i would before. In general, i will be able to draw conclusions, understand the context of situations, foresee probable outcomes of my actions and words and act accordingly. At one point, i may feel afraid or anxious, but i may also come to the conclusion that it would be awkward to show that feeling. To give another example, i usually hated people staring at me, i felt threatened or insulted by it, or i thought there was something wrong with me. Now i am able to consider each case separately, so if the one looking at me is a girl i will think "well possibly she likes me, i will try to act the way she would like me to", if it really is a person seeking confrontation then i would ask myself of possible reasons he might have (like say, he's mad cause he had a rough day and i happen to be on his way, or he's really an asshole and i shouldn't waste my time thinking about it). If being with a friend he stumbles upon his friends, people i don't know, I won't just ignore them and look away just because i'm scared, because i understand their point of view and i realize that would be so rude and awkward, i try my best to notice them and be nice to them. I really can't tell for sure if the very act of thinking this way is the consequence rather than the cause of feeling less anxious, but right now i prefer the 2nd option. I remain kind of a shy and strange ("crazy hyperactive" type) guy, but i feel really less anxious and relieved just being myself more than before. Furthermore, it cuts the runaway positive feedback effect i had when i came out of an embarracing social situation totally demoralized, which caused me to be more anxious in the next one, and so on (for example, i DO still get tense at parties, but then if, say, i see a girl i know but haven't seen in a long time, i "switch" to rational mode and talk to her instead of stupidly ignoring her as i may have done before). I little detail: as i'm always nervous and anxious when i go out, i usually forget my things everywhere i go. Well, lately i find myself remembering to pick up my stuff, and i think it's due to the fact that i'm actually less anxious and able to think more clearly.

I'm 26 and i'm on college, I realize i'm new here but please comment, i'm really interested in your opinions I also realize this is hard to explain in words, at least in a helpful way...but it works for me and i do suggest you try this at home.

 

[PunkRotten]

This is good if you have panic attacks, seeing things realisticly is important. But this doesnt work for SA, it can help a little though. Problem is, you think too much, we arent suppose to worry whats on everyones mind, we cant read peoples minds, can they read yours? So you have to stop thinking too much, what others are thinking or doing in their day has nothing to do with you.


But what you are saying is fine for someone whos panicky/paranoid/sensitive

 

[Anubis]

Yes, it does work. And not just empathy, any "alternative-explanation" for a person's perceived negative action works.

In the end, thinking positively or negatively of someone is purely a guessing game (no one REALLY knows what anyone is thinking). So why not save yourself the heartache and suffering and just assume positivity?

It reminds me of a story I heard about this young male who was really interested in this girl he met at school. He liked her so much that he would occasionally call her to see if she was interested in going out to dinner. But every time he called her, she would state that she was busy. In fact, it got to the point where she was "mysteriously" booked for 2 months in advance. Now, any other person would just go ahead and assume the girl wasn't interested and would presumably take a self-esteem hit. But not this guy! Instead he decided to believe that this girl was so busy that she wouldn't have suited his interests anyway. I mean, who wants to date a girl who barely has time for you?

Now you may say that this fellow was deceiving himself, but in the end, it worked. Because he wasn't enveloped in the negativity of his first "rejection", he met another girl shortly after and he started a healthy relationship - one that eventually ended in marriage.

In the end, we really don't know what people are thinking. Positive-thinking, and Negative-thinking are both self-deception in some way because of this single fact.

But is there really anything in this world that we know with 100% certainty? Not even scientific knowledge is known with 100% certainty. So why not judiciously use the concept of faith to your advantage and not to your detriment (by taking unnecessary self-esteem hits).

 

[LeoC]

Well, you say it doesn't help SA but only "panicky/paranoid/sensitive" people. Correct me if i'm wrong, i think that if being "panicky/paranoid/sensitive" is a consequence of such daily and ordinary situations as making eye contact, meeting a stranger, being in groups of more than 2 people or going shopping for food, and that interferes enormously in your social life, well, that's the definition of SA. I think the reason you can't "read peoples minds" (in the methaphorycal sense) is not that you think too much, but that you think too much in the wrong way, because by focusing instictively only on narrow aspects such as a variety of embarracing situations you may end up in, you are not really able to be in the other person shoes and evaluate objectively what you look like from his perspective; but i repeat, this completely looses it's charm when i write it, the best way to understand is to try to experience it. And it's funny cause sometimes i feel just anxious as before, say when i'm on a crowded place, then i think the appropriate thing and i suddenly have this feeling similar to relaxing a tense muscle. To give an example of this last point, today at this big supermarket i was reaching for the lady at the counter and got scared she would think i'm a thief or something like that, then i thought "this is a lady who has worked all day and sees this young client coming at her, one of many, why should she think he's a thief? and if she did...well, she's got some problems..." and automatically i relaxed. I passed 100 times through that counters before and NEVER i was able to control myself that way. It's not that i have to do things like that every second, after a while i start relaxing automatically, but it's useful to cut a cascade of "panicky/paranoid/sensitive" thoughts at the right time. It works for me, and i would really be glad if I knew I was not an exception. Please let me know if you are still convinced I don't suffer from SA.

 

[LeoC]

Anubis, but other "alternative-explanations" may not be solid because they may depend on your mood and your optimism at any given time, while empathy requires only a change in perspective and the use of basic analytical rational tools.

 

[PunkRotten]

Oh no, im not saying you dont suffer from SA. I get more what you are saying now. This basically is just thinking positive and more realistic, which is a very good thing. Most people with panic/anxiety, SA etc, tend to have distorted thinking. So if you are using this positive and realistic thinking more, then you are on the right track. I use this kinda thinking myself it helps me get through situations easier. My point is to not obsess too much on your symptoms and thoughts.

 

[LeoC]

PunkRotten i see what you mean, i guess seeing myself from "outside" is a way of separating from my anxiety...
Anubis, maybe one could think of empathy (i feel as if i coined the term ) as the basis and of a more "positive" thinking as a complement to avoid negative thoughts, they sure don't need to be exclusive...the degree to which they interact may depend on one's personality and mood.

 

[freestylemonster]

Yeah this really helps me a lot...Like when I got to the store and I wanna talk to this girl that works there, first I imagine me being her and seeing myself talking to her and realize that if a person was being friendly and talking to me I'd like it

 

[meatcake]

Hey LeoC, that sounds like a good thing to do around people - I'll have to try it.