brought up quiet

[zinn99]

Hi,
I've been quiet all my life. My mom had said that when I was born I didn't cry but just stared up at everyone (my sister cried from minute 1 and still hasn't stopped being assertive and combative). I cried but I was told to stop whining most of the time. With friends as a kid I might cry but be told to shut up. Inside I am crying a lot (I used to cut and be depressed) but now I just channel into compulsions like eating, jogging, internet. I immerse myself at work as a distraction from my loneliness and to pay the bills of course.

So I am going on the first date-like thing in 11 years tomorrow night with someone from work. When I went on dates (more like hormone engagements) as a teenager I would be nice but I would always treat sex as the ultimate achievement of the partnership. After seeing those partners get hurt I don't want to do that anymore, but I have nothing to say to people ever that is constructive. When I do say something constructive or get a compliment, I don't recognize it as such so there is disconnect between what I think about things and what others think. Sounds like the date, if not the first then one of them down the line, is going to run out of steam.

On this date (just meeting to eat dinner somewhere) I dont know what to say. I have the feeling since she has thrown herself at me that I could once again try to steer towards sex but I think she would take that as pure undying love and so when I fell short in that category she would cry and we would break up. Then I'd have to deal with seeing her a few times a week and everyone at work would think I was a jerk.

So should I just be like I am at work (polite, helpful, empty) or should I pull a George Constanza and reveal my dark disturbing thoughts, or just do what people say people do on dates (what is that?).

Thanks,
z

 

[cawny]

I'm 21 and I've only been on a date once in my life when I was about 16 and I couldn't think of anything to say besides laugh and smile, and I had my first kiss, but I felt so happy but awkward at the same time. We met online through a video game and she happened to live close to me, so I told my parents to drive me to a certain place to meet her but I felt so ashamed and told them I wanted to meet up with a friend and drop me off early and leave so they don't see me with her. I went to summer camp a week later and I broke up with her there because I didn't want other people to know about us because I felt so ashamed even though she wasn't even that bad looking. I felt like a jerk after doing it and even her friends thought bad of me. I tried to never see her again so I wouldn't have to feel so awkward and avoid her when I know she notices I'm there. I always try to get back with her, then when I do meet her, she is happy to see me and even gives me a kiss on the cheek when I leave. I didn't even say much to her when I did go meet her. and she even tells me to call her when I get back home after dropping her off. but I don't call her and I avoid her phone call if she does call me. I again feel like a jerk and wish I change what I did, this happened once, and she rarely talks to me anymore after that. I only talk to her online btw.

haha sorry for just rambling about my life, and not helping with yours, but sincerely I wouldn't know what to do. I would probably continue being myself but feel really awkward with them. I would always hope for myself to change but I never do when I'm right in the situation.

 

[zinn99]

Hi cawny,
Yes thanks for sharing your story. I definitely see similarities in our views.

Thanks,
Dan

 

[Nikki1988]

well i think ur a jerk to assume that u would have sex with her, she would fall in love with you, and you would make her cry! biggest crock of shit ive ever heard actualy.
why dont u try getting tio know the person, rather than thinking how soon it will be before u shag her ay?

 

[zinn99]

Hi Nikki,
OK that actually helps relieve the pressure. It was just my experience with prior partners in my teens that give me those prejudices. I'll try to approach it with a laissez-faire attitude.

Thanks,
z

 

[zinn99]

Hi,
I went on the dinner+coffee and it was enjoyable. I am going to treat it as a fun evening with NSA because I've read that is what a first date is supposed to be - just an evening and nothing else. But she did kind of dress up for the date (I just wore normal office casual like at work) and she brought a little gift. I guess I thought it would be more of a get-to-know-you thing rather than a date but I suppose that is ok.

It's getting cyclical here so I will stop. But I will post further on this thread to complete the tragedy ;-)

Thanks,
z

 

[recluse]

I was also a quiet baby. My mum comments on how easy i was to look after because i was so content. In contrast my older sister was very vocal. But it seems i have been quiet all my life.

 

[Kamen]

I was quiet and peaceful baby, too.

 

[zinn99]

It wasn't just as a baby where I was quiet. I might have had playmates but most of my friends controlled the activities - I was at the youngest end of our crop of neighborhood kids and so always the follower. I was on a swim team from age 8 to 15 but that was pretty much decided by my parents and I was the standard butt of jokes for my awkwardness (got the hell out of that when I became aware I could). At some point around high school my friends started having interests outside our neighborhood and I never tapped into outside networks. Well, I _have_ left the nest but I just moved over about a mile and have more or less been there ever since in contact with nobody except for work.

Maybe there is something to being born irrevocably shy. OK that sounds like black/white thinking, but even thinking along a spectrum, some people have to be at the shyest end, right?

 

[Neph]

i brought myself up and now i see things from a very big picture perspective , i often look at things now with contempt