bridesmaid jitters!!!!

[maggie]

So I have this friend, have known her about 5 years or so, more of an aquaintance through work really, only see her at work. She is getting married this year, probably before Christmas, and wants me to be in her wedding. She was so excited to ask me, and I am really stressing about it. I am sure she knows there is something different about me, but we have never discussed my anxiety issues. 8O Although I feel honoured she asked me to be in wedding, can't see myself going through with it, the walking up the aisle with some dude I don't know 8O, sitting at head table with people I don't know (don't even know her very well, much less anyone elso gonna be there), and all the fancy parties leading up to wedding and beyond. Know what I mean? She will be hurt and disappointed if I decline. And in a horrible selfish way on my part, I hope they delay wedding or cancel, so I don't have to do it. Cowardly, I know

 

[Danfalc]

Not cowardly

First I want to say its not cowardly at all, seeing as youve got sp/sa its the same reaction most of us would have. I didnt want 2 go to a funeral because of my anxiety, but thats somthing you cant exactly miss, but anyways i went and it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be.Everyones going to be focused on the bride/groom so your not going to be the centre of attenion. My advice is go to the actual service but say you have to go afterwards, That way your friend will be happy that you accepted her offer, And you wont have 2 sit through the party and everything afterwards.

 

[Scottish_Player]

I was a God father for one of my cousins children once and i felt so uncomfortable,there i was at the front of the Chapel with around 200 people straing in my direction :? i was constantly shuffling and my hands where everyhwere,first they where behind me then in front of me and so on and i just coudnt stand still.I only did it because i didnt wont to let my cousin down.

i also thought it could help me in some way over come this,but it didnt help at all it just made me feel worse for not being able to do it properly.So i have not proper advice for you


Why dont you send the bride too be an annoymous letter say that her futre husband is having an affair and maybe then she will call it off and you wont have to do it :lol:

 

[maggie]

another thing...... the insufferable pictures, and video camera going around all night-yikes!!!! 8O.. Seriously, don't think I can do it

 

[Scottish_Player]

Maggie i was only joking about sending the letter i dont want you thinking iam a cruel person.

Sorry i cant give you any advice,but like it was said before most of the attention will be on the bride and groom and like you even said yourself it might not go ahead.

I hope it goes well for you when the day comes

 

[maggie]

Scottish_Player, not an entirely bad idea :twisted: What if letter said affair was with me, then won't have to deal with wedding, or her (after she kicks my ass :wink: ) .....KIDDING

 

[maggie]

o.k. that sounded nasty I would never do something like that, but I would do almost anything to get out of this wedding, cause not only how uncomfortable I will feel, but don't want others to notice my "uncomfortableness" and affect her wedding. And standing up there during the service, I can't fathom myself doing that. Don't want to hurt her, but gonna have to tell her, or suck it up and force myself to do it? don't know if I can :roll:

 

[Colin]

That sounds terrible, on the other hand it is a good opportunity to test your decision-making skills.
Is there an option of taking a friend or sibling along for company :?:

 

[maggie]

I could take a friend for company, but wouldn't be able to hang out with them or sit with them anyway, cause I'm gonna be paired up with guy from wedding party for dancing 8O and sitting at head table for dinner. And going for pictures in between (sounds like something out of one of my nightmares :x )

 

[Chilling__Echo]

hmm i fear my own wedding in the future. it just seems to me that alot of focus is put on the bride when by all means i'd be more than willing to make it even for the groom. matteroffact he can take all the attention if he wants. or we could elope but it's a fucking wedding!!! it's supposed to be the best day of anyone's life and to let anxiety run it?!?

ok that was a tangent. i'm not even engaged right now so i won't worry about it. but yeah, back to your post maggie, i feel your pain!! i had a friend once ask me if i would be a bridesmaid (one of two). the thing is, i didn't know his fiancee, i was good friends with the groom. i just told him that i barely knew her. later though he said that he had told her before he asked me that i was "shy" and prolly wouldn't do it - and he knows nothing about my anxiety so i was relieved.

i always bring up meds but if you could find something for performance anxiety and whatnot, maybe you could try that? along with alot of psyching yourself up before hand? that's probably what i'd do. just go in there knowing that i'd get through it, that i'd regret it if i didn't go, and that it's only one day. and remember, they're gonna be staring at the bride and groom!

if nothing else, maybe everyone will get wasted at the after party and you can sneak off and run home.

 

[Scottish_Player]

Just thinking about it,could you not trust your friend enough to confined in her your problem then iam sure she would understand more the reason you dont want to do it,as they say honesty is the best policy.That way you dont have to lie to her and iam sure she would respect you more for being truthfull with her.

 

[maggie]

I think you're right, probably gonna have to tell her, and soon. Has to be soon, cause she has to pick someone else, so don't want to leave it.(she will need someone else to try on those crazy dresses!! :? ) The telling is hard, I've never told anyone that I work with, so as weird as they all think I am, they don't know why, and I had no plans to tell them (haven't even told my parents 8O ) When I talk about something that upsets me or important to me, the tears start, and then I really can't talk, so I know it's gonna be hard...but have to do it.

 

[Scottish_Player]

Hi maggie ,if i was in your position i think it would be easier for me to tell the truth as iam not a very good lier and then once you have lied you then need to keep up the act of being ill and take days off work to make it look real

I know it wont be easy but i think you would feel better if you told her the truth,you also say that your work collegues suspect sumthing is diffrent with you so maybe it wont be such a big shock to her if you do tell her.

Hope it all works out for you

 

[pitkreet]

Well, I was going to suggest the same thing.....just tell her the truth.

I know it's easier said than done but if necessary, because you think talking to her about it may be too hard, consider sending her a letter. Doing it as a formal letter will at least look like you've taken the time and effort to write down the reasons, rather than just brushing her off or telling lies.

If you feel that she is a decent and understanding sort of person, you could use it as an opportunity to finally tell someone of your problems, explaining a little of the sort of things that you find hard, that it is a recognised medical condition. Sharing such private details with her may help your friendship blosom. And she obviously must like and trust you if she's asked you to be bridesmaid.

From experience, forcing yourself to go through with the wedding is quite likely to simply give you another bad experience which will just reinforce your SA.

I forced myself to go to my brother's wedding last year (not as best man, or anything, just as a regualr family guest). I really didn't want to go and had all sort of negative images going through my mind of what the day would be like, and how bad it was going to be. It turned out to be every bit as bad as I feared, endlessly being left standing like a lemon, by myself, with nobody to talk to at the reception. It was excruciating. So I left at the very earliest opportunity, knowing full well that people would frown upon this seemingly rude gesture.

It's the first time I've walked out on a formal social event like that. I'll never do it again because, so long as I have bad SA, I'll never let myself be in that situation again.

 

[Jordan]

Dear Maggie,

To tell you the truth, telling the truth is your worst option.

This is a lose-lose situation, but among the available choices, attending will leave you with less lasting effects, opening up will do just the opposite.

Your friend will be very offended, and without even the benefit of doubt that might come from a well-placed excuse. Furthermore, together with the slam you give her a hint on how to retailate. Forget about open-mindedness: it is not a very common quality, and people who are touched personally will forsake all the little they've got if any. This unless you are positive about her far above average understanding.

Earning an enemy in your workplace isn't a good thing, neither for your interests nor for your anxiety itself. Mental health issues are good pretexts to make you a subject of gossips. Don't ever dream that she will keep the matter secret!

I can imagine how you'll find it painful to attend, but as other have remarked, you will hardly be in spotlight. Once it will be over, though, you won't have to worry about the aftermath of your absence.

Should you at last decide to attend, you will consider some of the methods you use to face social events, and adapt them to this particular situation.

Best wishes,
Jordan

 

[maggie]

Jordan, you bring up some good points, cause I had never thought about the fact that this girl is going to talk to others about my phobia, even if I ask her not to. It's just her nature. And I am not ready to tell others at work, as I am afraid they will be watching me even more closely for signs of my anxiety 8O and it will make me even more odd-looking (and acting). still not sure what to do.... (and secretly hoping wedding is post-poned or something :twisted: )

 

[pitkreet]

Maggie,

I still reckon that, unless you can find a way coping with the wedding (eg take some drugs to help you through the days leading up to, and including, the wedding), then you're better to be honest if pulling out.

I'd not recommend you bring the term "mental health" into any discussion - certainly here in the UK, there is a stigma attached to that phrase. As soon as you say "mental" problems, you can be sure some ignorant people will be thinking "pyschopath". And if word of your mental health condition leaks out, your SA could soon mistranslated into schizo-psychopath nutter. Depends on the people you work with, are they the sort that like to dig up dirt, even when there's none there? I've certainly known people like that in the past, but most of my current colleagues would be more understanding.

But you could just say you have issues with anxiety at large social events, particulary when it'll be mostly strangers, and so don't think you could handle the wedding. I've never explicitly told anyone I have SA, but I have started to say things like "I get too anxious".

Alternatively, is it too late to book a holiday for the time of the wedding, and tell them you can't make it?

 

[maggie]

Well, pitkreek, you bring up some good points too Where I work it is mainly women, and they LOVE gossip (i'm not saying all women love gossip, but these ones sure do!!) So that is why I have never said anything. I have never taken anything as far as drugs for this, cause i'm too chicken to see doctor and very skeptical about medication, (although if there was something that worked I would certainly try it.) If I go through with this thing, I know I would make an ass of myself somehow or another 8O , so really don't think I can do t, but I feel like a loser, cause a wedding is supposed to be a positive event :x

 

[maggie]

so sorry, pitkreet, I spelled your name wrong before

 

[GettingThere]

I've been a best man twice and a groomsman another three times.

The photos weren't good but I got through alright. Lets face it, people are concentrating on the bride and groom and the rest of the wedding party are just extras. My biggest hassle was having to make speeches. I only managed because I had a number of drinks in me before the time came around.