Anonymous
Well-known member
Born to Lose
Hello fellow Losers, I'm new here, and this is my beginnning rant.
During most of my life, I had always believed that despite a few exceptions (as in the mentally retarded/downs syndrome people), a person generally had the ability to succeed and overcome all obstacles based on hard work and determination. I probably felt this because achedemics were always a breeze for me, and I loved them, especially science and math.
I ignored what most people i think believe, even science, that genetics largely makes up a persons potential. I believed this was true, but thought our potential was so much higher than what we are currently touching that it could not hinder anyone I knew.
Well here we are in 2004, and I have come to realize i've had Social Anxiety all or most of my life. I can point to 1 million reasons to rationalize my fear of people and interactions with them, but i'm not sure if those reasons are the true reasons that i'm horrified of public speaking and being the center of attention. I think there's a good posibility it could be genetic to some major degree, which is why i'm saying that I, like many others, must be born to lose. I know little of my father, but i think he has some anxiety issues and has been a long term alcoholic for as long as i can remember.
But anyway, I've ignored it a long time, and got through many terrifying moments with the power of HATE/ANGER. During many times in my life, I have made being anti-social somewhat of a cool thing,and gained acceptance in certain crowds, and have had many relationships. I must say much of this ability to associate with people though was through my HATE/ANGER/DISGUST though. At many times, going out with friends and meeting new people felt like stepping up to a fight, sort of invigorating and scary, but doable if you can find the rage in your heart. I mean how else is a person supposed to think about people when everyone at parties acts like a scene from mad max beyond thunderdome? They act friggin nuts. Am I supposed to really think its cool/normal to act nuts? Well it is normal, which is why i usually hate the normal. Maybe our problem is everyone else knows they're in a war, maybe we should realize it too and start fighting everyone like they do.
One conclusion about people I think i've gathered in my 25+ years of existance, is either join the war/team or be considered weak/shy. People everywhere are at war with eachother on large and small scales. Take a good look at the Jerry Springer show. This IS humanity. People love to see other poeple mess up, esp if they're not on the same team. People love to see things get destroyed and the drama of it all. Bad News is the news that gives good ratings. And people love to see a shy/weak man up on stage embarassing himself. I am aware of these things, and it adds to my Social Phobia which often adds to my HATE/ANGER of the whole situation. I dont know if any therapy would work, because it would mean erasing truths from my mind that I hold to be self evident. And I called a place, and they wanted to charge me $140/1hr session. There's no way I'll be supporting his BMW car payments.
Anyway, as I mentioned, I think my SP is probably a combination of gentic factors and my general dislike for humanity. I can no longer get through it like I used to because I've become more mellow of a person. Becoming more mellow has increased my Social Phobia significantly, somehow. I have all the symptoms and have been through all the experiences people in this forum have described, including blushing and sweating all the time. During my senior year of college, after giving a few speeches, which would be necessary all the time in my field. I decided that nothing is worth the intense pain of pre-speech anxiety, and during speech panic attacks. I could do it for a limited time, but not for a whole career. I got my B.S., but have not pursued secondary education.
I write this because it feels somewhat good to know some people will empathise with a person who had so many hopes and dreams and a type A personality, but yet has been crushed my natures cruel hand. I feel like someone with Mental Retardation who has dreams of becoming a Rocket Scientist. I dont think I have the energy for it. It sort of makes sense that evolution would prefer some social organisms to be the worker bee(non-leader) types, and may shape their personality so that they remain that way. I guess maybe I turned out to be one of those.
Sincerely,
Born To Lose
Hello fellow Losers, I'm new here, and this is my beginnning rant.
During most of my life, I had always believed that despite a few exceptions (as in the mentally retarded/downs syndrome people), a person generally had the ability to succeed and overcome all obstacles based on hard work and determination. I probably felt this because achedemics were always a breeze for me, and I loved them, especially science and math.
I ignored what most people i think believe, even science, that genetics largely makes up a persons potential. I believed this was true, but thought our potential was so much higher than what we are currently touching that it could not hinder anyone I knew.
Well here we are in 2004, and I have come to realize i've had Social Anxiety all or most of my life. I can point to 1 million reasons to rationalize my fear of people and interactions with them, but i'm not sure if those reasons are the true reasons that i'm horrified of public speaking and being the center of attention. I think there's a good posibility it could be genetic to some major degree, which is why i'm saying that I, like many others, must be born to lose. I know little of my father, but i think he has some anxiety issues and has been a long term alcoholic for as long as i can remember.
But anyway, I've ignored it a long time, and got through many terrifying moments with the power of HATE/ANGER. During many times in my life, I have made being anti-social somewhat of a cool thing,and gained acceptance in certain crowds, and have had many relationships. I must say much of this ability to associate with people though was through my HATE/ANGER/DISGUST though. At many times, going out with friends and meeting new people felt like stepping up to a fight, sort of invigorating and scary, but doable if you can find the rage in your heart. I mean how else is a person supposed to think about people when everyone at parties acts like a scene from mad max beyond thunderdome? They act friggin nuts. Am I supposed to really think its cool/normal to act nuts? Well it is normal, which is why i usually hate the normal. Maybe our problem is everyone else knows they're in a war, maybe we should realize it too and start fighting everyone like they do.
One conclusion about people I think i've gathered in my 25+ years of existance, is either join the war/team or be considered weak/shy. People everywhere are at war with eachother on large and small scales. Take a good look at the Jerry Springer show. This IS humanity. People love to see other poeple mess up, esp if they're not on the same team. People love to see things get destroyed and the drama of it all. Bad News is the news that gives good ratings. And people love to see a shy/weak man up on stage embarassing himself. I am aware of these things, and it adds to my Social Phobia which often adds to my HATE/ANGER of the whole situation. I dont know if any therapy would work, because it would mean erasing truths from my mind that I hold to be self evident. And I called a place, and they wanted to charge me $140/1hr session. There's no way I'll be supporting his BMW car payments.
Anyway, as I mentioned, I think my SP is probably a combination of gentic factors and my general dislike for humanity. I can no longer get through it like I used to because I've become more mellow of a person. Becoming more mellow has increased my Social Phobia significantly, somehow. I have all the symptoms and have been through all the experiences people in this forum have described, including blushing and sweating all the time. During my senior year of college, after giving a few speeches, which would be necessary all the time in my field. I decided that nothing is worth the intense pain of pre-speech anxiety, and during speech panic attacks. I could do it for a limited time, but not for a whole career. I got my B.S., but have not pursued secondary education.
I write this because it feels somewhat good to know some people will empathise with a person who had so many hopes and dreams and a type A personality, but yet has been crushed my natures cruel hand. I feel like someone with Mental Retardation who has dreams of becoming a Rocket Scientist. I dont think I have the energy for it. It sort of makes sense that evolution would prefer some social organisms to be the worker bee(non-leader) types, and may shape their personality so that they remain that way. I guess maybe I turned out to be one of those.
Sincerely,
Born To Lose
