Born To Lose

Anonymous

Well-known member
#1
Born to Lose

Hello fellow Losers, I'm new here, and this is my beginnning rant.

During most of my life, I had always believed that despite a few exceptions (as in the mentally retarded/downs syndrome people), a person generally had the ability to succeed and overcome all obstacles based on hard work and determination. I probably felt this because achedemics were always a breeze for me, and I loved them, especially science and math.
I ignored what most people i think believe, even science, that genetics largely makes up a persons potential. I believed this was true, but thought our potential was so much higher than what we are currently touching that it could not hinder anyone I knew.
Well here we are in 2004, and I have come to realize i've had Social Anxiety all or most of my life. I can point to 1 million reasons to rationalize my fear of people and interactions with them, but i'm not sure if those reasons are the true reasons that i'm horrified of public speaking and being the center of attention. I think there's a good posibility it could be genetic to some major degree, which is why i'm saying that I, like many others, must be born to lose. I know little of my father, but i think he has some anxiety issues and has been a long term alcoholic for as long as i can remember.

But anyway, I've ignored it a long time, and got through many terrifying moments with the power of HATE/ANGER. During many times in my life, I have made being anti-social somewhat of a cool thing,and gained acceptance in certain crowds, and have had many relationships. I must say much of this ability to associate with people though was through my HATE/ANGER/DISGUST though. At many times, going out with friends and meeting new people felt like stepping up to a fight, sort of invigorating and scary, but doable if you can find the rage in your heart. I mean how else is a person supposed to think about people when everyone at parties acts like a scene from mad max beyond thunderdome? They act friggin nuts. Am I supposed to really think its cool/normal to act nuts? Well it is normal, which is why i usually hate the normal. Maybe our problem is everyone else knows they're in a war, maybe we should realize it too and start fighting everyone like they do.

One conclusion about people I think i've gathered in my 25+ years of existance, is either join the war/team or be considered weak/shy. People everywhere are at war with eachother on large and small scales. Take a good look at the Jerry Springer show. This IS humanity. People love to see other poeple mess up, esp if they're not on the same team. People love to see things get destroyed and the drama of it all. Bad News is the news that gives good ratings. And people love to see a shy/weak man up on stage embarassing himself. I am aware of these things, and it adds to my Social Phobia which often adds to my HATE/ANGER of the whole situation. I dont know if any therapy would work, because it would mean erasing truths from my mind that I hold to be self evident. And I called a place, and they wanted to charge me $140/1hr session. There's no way I'll be supporting his BMW car payments.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I think my SP is probably a combination of gentic factors and my general dislike for humanity. I can no longer get through it like I used to because I've become more mellow of a person. Becoming more mellow has increased my Social Phobia significantly, somehow. I have all the symptoms and have been through all the experiences people in this forum have described, including blushing and sweating all the time. During my senior year of college, after giving a few speeches, which would be necessary all the time in my field. I decided that nothing is worth the intense pain of pre-speech anxiety, and during speech panic attacks. I could do it for a limited time, but not for a whole career. I got my B.S., but have not pursued secondary education.

I write this because it feels somewhat good to know some people will empathise with a person who had so many hopes and dreams and a type A personality, but yet has been crushed my natures cruel hand. I feel like someone with Mental Retardation who has dreams of becoming a Rocket Scientist. I dont think I have the energy for it. It sort of makes sense that evolution would prefer some social organisms to be the worker bee(non-leader) types, and may shape their personality so that they remain that way. I guess maybe I turned out to be one of those.

Sincerely,
Born To Lose
 

shep

Well-known member
#2
Hi BTL,
For a guy who feels like a loser, you sure have a pair of xxxxx! You seem pretty gutsy to me. I could not go to college (at least I convinced myself of that) and I feel that I also missed out on a lot because of this accursed problem. I believe that we have some sort of a chemical imbalance but I'm not so sure we are born with it. I believe that some or many are helped a great deal with drugs and other therapys while others are not. In my case, I have intentionally avoided drug therapy because I believe they will only treat the symptom and cause me other problems. I tried a psychologist and like you, felt that I was paying for his car while he got to drive it. I quit after four or five sessions. I have never experienced the hate/anger that you have dealt with and it surprises me how you managed to have the relationships you mentioned.
Nowadays, I try to avoid stressful situations and have an easier time doing that now that I'm retired. While working for many years, I found that some jobs are much more stressful than others. It is sad that you are not able to function in the field you were trained for but keep in mind that your mental health is more important than any career. Choose a less stressful job and in time you may build up some confidence to improve your situation. Anyway, you have not convinced me that you are a loser and besides, I don't feel that I am either or anyone else for that matter. This problem is a curse for many people and like you, there are many with hopes and dreams that may never be fulfilled to no fault of their own. It may be like being in prison for a crime that you did not commit.
Good luck and stay tuned to this and other similar sites which should help you and all of us on our journey.
 
#4
Born To Lose: Hmm, I really identify with what you're saying here... I've always felt that my own social phobia stemmed, in large part, from my animosity to general society. I never exactly hated people as individuals, but i hated them as they acted en mass. it always sounds a bit suspicious when you trumpet your own moral sensibilities over others, but I always felt peculiarly sensitive to suffering- things in the world, in the general way people treated each other bothered me where they didn't seem to really bother others at all. I'll save the stories and the tirades against society for another time... My usual way of dealing with it all, anyway, was to hole up with some good trusted friend or romantic partner in an inaccessible privacy and speak to the world thru a metaphorical intercom: you want to talk to me?; yes, what are your credentials and what do you want? Still, I had a hard time in work situations for example where i had to give the impression of enthusiasm for my job. My favored way of dealing with it was to smile desperatly for 2 months then quit in an implosion of soul revolt. Live off my savings till i recuperated, then do the whole employment thing all over again.

Anyway. I think I'll cut it short for tonight. I'm starting to overcome the social phobia, but that's its own topic...I don't think we're 'born to lose' at all really, although, in my darker moments, I can defintaly agree..I think everyone with social phobia should read: The Highly Sensitive Person- Elaine N. Aron- a much needed neutral, provacative read of the trait of 'sensitivity'. I'll leave it there for now...take care all :)
 
#5
Dear Born To lose... With all due respect your name should have been Born To Fight. :wink:

You know, some people wake up each day and arm themselves against the outside world. The "them" that exists somewhere out there, somewhere outside of themselves. But with all SA's our "them" is our very own minds. That is where our battle lies.

Somehow I refuse to believe that I'm genetically destined to be an SA for life. I know this cannot be true and my genes cann't be held responsible because I know if I had SA but was born in say a femily of great orators and politicians there is no way I would end up wallowing in SA unhappiness.

Our environments play in important factor in how we react to it.

More importantly how we ourselves perceive our environment always does the most damage. If we can change our thinking we can overcome our SA. Not totallly perhaps, but to a very manageable level.

Even Einstein himself said that talent/success/genius is 1% inspiration and 99% aspiration. Having SA might limit your capabilities but it does not hinder them.

Whatever it is you choose to do in life, it's important that you throw yourself into it and hope for the best.
WHATEVER it is , from overcoming SA to learing the proper techniques for nasal excavations. :p

My top year's resolution is to overcome my fear of public speaking. It's crazy thinking to an SA to speak in front of so many people. But I'm on the way there and I'm positive I'll make it.

I know I'm a leader type and though my SA overshadows some of my capabilities wherever I go people somehow are drawn to me and expect me to make the decisions.

What do I do? (What would you do?)

I don't back off and say, hey, you got the wrong gal, I'm an SA I can't do that.

I go along, I fake it to make it. Sooner or later I don't even realize that I'm so nervous. Once I'm able to take the focus away from myself and get lost in the events I am - for those few precios moments - not an SA, but just "normal".

Sorry, I don't intend to gloat here.

The point i'm trying to make is that it's VERY important that you believe your problems are surmountable and believe me, you're half way to solving them.

We are all born to FIGHT and WIN we will!

Good luck. :)
 
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