Being the "kind" one brings out the WORST in peopl

[Reholla]

did not know what antagnostic was- my bad

 

[Reholla]

Re: Being the "kind" one brings out the WORST in p

I didn't read all your posts because they are way too long but from what I can see in the first post, you didn't even give a specific example of you going out of your way to be "the kind one" to someone and that same person picking on you for the kindness you showed them. You should provide that in order for us to see it from your POV.
With that said, I do agree that some people take advantage of your kindness as they see it as weakness. But in reality, those people are the ones who's weak and stupid.

I'm sorry i do not have countless random acts of kndness i can recall on a daily basis to give you...maybe i dont think of myself so highly that i remember all of it to sit back and say- oh, i am such a good person, look what i did. all i know is most days i TREAT PEOPLE VERY WELL. My therapist who has known me for years outside of sessions, has told me "people pick on you b/c you are such a nice person." no, not my friends or parents, but people i have the real problems with.
Kindness isnt about "what you do" for other people. Thats why im a Christian, its about your heart. Kindness is HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE.
And ya I would have to agree that being civil w/ some one after they are saying things in a disrespectful way, is being the bigger person. And because im not insecure, i dont have to treat them bad back to feel like "i won." And it pisses me off, b/c like ive said they are using me as their personal punching bag for THEIR insecurities. OH YEAH just like this whole thread... So unlessu SAer's who are supposedly sensitive want to say something helpful. I think i will ignore the crap you call advice, and listen to my therapist who actually knows me.

where are the frickin moderators when u need them. the majority of u totally high jacked this thread and now we're getting all personal and talking about anti-agnostics. no thanks, have ur fun being disagreeable. im out.

 

[Slothrop]

I find that antagonistic people get picked on too.

the majority of u totally high jacked this thread and now we're getting all personal and talking about anti-agnostics.

You've misunderstood. The word noblame4 used is "antagonistic", not "anti-agnostic". Antagonistic means to be hostile, mean, or disrespectful. She's saying that unkind people experience the same thing you describe. She's not talking about religion at all. It's a simple mistake.

I think that this reinforces what I said previously, (and let me emphasize that I mean no disrespect in saying this) that miscommunication is more common than intentional disrespect, and that you should consider whether something hasn't been communicated properly before assuming people are being hostile.

And because im not insecure, i dont have to treat them bad back to feel like "i won." And it pisses me off, b/c like ive said they are using me as their personal punching bag for THEIR insecurities. OH YEAH just like this whole thread... So unlessu SAer's who are supposedly sensitive want to say something helpful. I think i will ignore the crap you call advice, and listen to my therapist who actually knows me.

Read what you've written again. At first you say you don't feel like you have to treat people bad in return, but by the end of the paragraph you're dismissing the whole thread and it's advice as "crap". As someone who has taken time out of my day to try to say something helpful, I for one feel this is disrespectful of you. I'm not angry with you though, because I don't think you really understand what you're doing when you say things like that. Even kind people can hurt others. It's not easy to be kind or understanding when you feel you're being disrespected, which is why it's so important to make the effort, and why we applaud people for being able to do it. The best part about making the effort, though, is that you start to feel fewer and fewer of these perceived slights, and feel more and more of the good that people are striving towards.

But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you

 

[Reholla]

like i said- this forum...bad idea.

 

[Reholla]

Re: Being the "kind" one brings out the WORST in p

Reholla wrote:


Kindness is HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE.
And ya I would have to agree that being civil w/ some one after they are saying things in a disrespectful way, is being the bigger person.

yes...i couldnt agree more with that verse. now, why dont you get back to me when you have a bad day and tell me if that verse makes it any easier to live out. thats why when you go to therapists (who may happen to be Christian) they dont shove scripture down your throat. My therapist knows my family, knows my personal beliefs, and we talk about God in a spiritual sense often. But as far as giving me advice, hes not gonna read the Bible to me.[/b]

 

[elusive_x]

i can see why you think this forum is a bad idea-- its hard to read replies that are critical--

But after reading your post i didn;t feel so alone-- Im glad you posted... I was pretty sad but then when I read it I was like-- yay! she sounds like me ( this of course mixed with empathy)

 

[dottie]

Re: Being the "kind" one brings out the WORST in p

But my view is, I treat people, LIKE PEOPLE. I treat them how i want to be treated, and I treat them well. If they don't show respect, I lose it. I have no patience for that.

Like today...I just got out of class and was going by Schlotzkys to get lunch on the go, I had a doctors appt. for my sprain after at 1pm. Anyways, this is exactly what i said, "hi, i'd like a thai chicken pizza and can i get that with no nuts?" and the guy was like "well theres nuts in the sauce we put on the pizza"...and i said "well can i please get them taken off?" (I have been to this same restaurant and ordered the same thing w/ NO NUTS i know it is possible) and he said, "like i already TOLD you, they are in the sauce." (RUDE). And i explained, actually, I have been to this location before and gotten this very order, WITH NO NUTS, so it would be great if you could just take them off."
Then he goes, "are you allergic?"
And i look at him puzzled like WHAT, WHY...
And the stupid nosy woman next to me goes, "oh he doesnt want you to go into shock or anything!"
So i just smile at her in that "thanks for your UNWANTED opinion" way...
and was like, "All i know is, next to Thai Chicken, there is a yellow warning sign w/ nuts.. I do not WANT them to add nuts alright?"
OMG seriously...Im like lets make life complicated??!?! Do you not have enough drama in your life, why are you acting this way.
Is it really necessary, do you need my whole medical history in order for me to tell you whether i want f***n peanuts on my pizza or not.

AND this is ONE example. I have this crap happen EVERY day...with SMALL situations and BIG situations like this.

i read only this post. i haven't read any of the replies but...

i work in the restaurant industry and peanuts are a hot issue because many people are severely allergic. the guy only asked you if you are allergic to peanuts because if he picked them out of the sauce for you, like you demanded him to (diva much?), there would still technically be peanut substance in the sauce which could cause you an allergic reaction. people can react violently to just touching peanuts. he didn't know if you wanted peanuts out because you disliked peanuts or if you were allergic & could get a violent reaction so he had to ask- he was doing his job! he was only saying that to you because he CARED about YOU! instead of being a bratty little twat, throwing a temper tantrum, you should have considered HIS perspective. maybe you have gotten it without peanuts before but perhaps they recently changed the recipe of the sauce to include peanuts. maybe he was just pointing out that there is peanut oil in the sauce just in case you may be allergic. maybe the guy was just new and made a human mistake. who knows, but i highly doubt he was just trying to be a dick. from what i read i think your reaction was incredibly rude, unlike how ~*~delightful~*~ you convince yourself that you seem. not everyone is out to get you, you know.

i don't care if this post pisses you off. i work in the restaurant industry, genuinely trying to help people and have to deal with demanding, rude people like yourself all the time. i feel sorry for the guy and the lady in line who had to deal with your bratty ass.

 

[dottie]

ps: it's really ignorant to be so rude to people who handle things you are about to put in your mouth

 

[bleach]

Methinks you protest your niceness too much. Particularly when you're acting like a total bitch to people that only posted here to help you. What do you want, to be coddled? To be told you are the nicest person ever and deserve to have your way at all times? Grow up lady. It's damned easy to see how you bring out the worst in people, but being kind has nothing to do with it, regardless what your hack therapist is telling you.

 

[ben12]

i got the same problem people just want to take there anger on me coz they think i wont stand up for myself and they can get away with it. just bullys really, not everyones like that thankfully!

 

[Reholla]

Maybe you forgot the TITLE of this thread.

Kindness brings out the WORST in people. You of all people should know this. I feel sorry for you if you cant stad up for yourself.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

thanks for judging me. you dont know me. "aint got no time for no haters." thankuverymuch.

where is your support for saying i am a "brat"?? oh thats right you have none. I would never accuse, call names, etc that all you people do on here to people you dont even know. Wow, i mean to take the time to write all of that negativity out...it shows it really bothers you. I feel really sorry for you.

I think i will stick with the reality that, YEAH, there are rude people out there. And here is an article i found, since none of you lovely people are helping. (if i am being accurate there were like 2 who did).


http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/259321/neutralize_those_annoying_putdowns.html




this thread is DUNZO....yall can say whatever the hell else you want, because your credibility went out the window when you chose to respond to this the way you did.

 

[Reholla]

One more thing. I am not claiming to be perfect. With all honesty i will be the first to shout from the rooftops what a screw up i am, sinner, and probably could be a lot better person than i am.

I AM DOING MY BEST, AND THATS ALL YOU CAN DO.

This is my life motto:

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you build today, people may destroy it tomorrow. Build anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It was never about them anyway.
-Mother Teresa-


What do you live by?

 

[dottie]

One more thing. I am not claiming to be perfect. With all honesty i will be the first to shout from the rooftops what a screw up i am, sinner, and probably could be a lot better person than i am.

I AM DOING MY BEST, AND THATS ALL YOU CAN DO.

This is my life motto:

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you build today, people may destroy it tomorrow. Build anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It was never about them anyway.
-Mother Teresa-


What do you live by?

oh yeah, the way you threw a tantrum over peanuts and yelled at the lady in line was so "forgiving," "kind," "good," (i'm pulling words directly out of your motto). that was so mother teresa-esque of you!

yeah, i took the time to write that post because i have to deal with many unreasonable customers, like yourself, only in normal circumstances i do not have the opportunity to tell them off. that behavior does bother me so it felt great to write that post! sorry i can't contain myself when it comes to mean people. i'm sure the poor guy at the restaurant and the woman in line would have liked to have said exactly what i told you, too!

it is one thing to stand up for yourself. it is another thing to act like an intolerant asshole. especially when you parade around insisting you are so kind and pleasant.

my motto is: call 'em like i see 'em. if it walks like a brat...

and ps: you're not a victim.

 

[sabbath92002]

oh yeah, the way you threw a tantrum over peanuts and yelled at the lady in line was so "forgiving," "kind," "good," (i'm pulling words directly out of your motto). that was so mother teresa-esque of you!

She didn't yell at the lady in line, she just smiled at her.

Neutralize Those Annoying Put-Downs Given to You by Rude People

By Carolyn McFann

Some people actually take delight in putting others down, whether directly or indirectly. If you've ever seen the movie "Bridget Jones - The Edge of Reason," you may recall the scene where Bridget's catty acquaintance takes some sort of wierd pleasure in zapping her with little put-downs. Words can cut like a knife, even if they are delivered with a smile. Actually, the most disturbing critics zing others while smiling. This is confusing to the recipient of the attack, because the facial expression (friendly) doesn't match the words being said (unfriendly.) This is very aggressive behavior, so people like this should be avoided if possible.
What do you do when singled out in the annoying radar of a "jellyfish" personality? Remember, this person's behavior isn't healthy, they are insecure and for whatever reason want to make you look bad so they appear "superior," which they aren't. Knowing this, consider the source and let it go in one ear and out the other. It isn't your fault this person is insecure and takes it out on others.

When someone is jealous of you, they may strike out verbally when innocently provoked by your good news or success. There are ways to handle it, if avoiding them isn't really an option. A close family member of mine is like this, and she cannot resist reminding me that someone I knew in the past has had more success than I have. For example, I heard recently, "So-and-so got married and is incredibly happy. He's a doctor and he treats her like a queen." (underlying message - 'but you are single, and your ex treated you poorly.') Or, "She has a very high paying job that you could have if you wanted to."(Underlying message - 'She makes more money than you do and your job isn't good enough.') My reaction is to have no reaction, other than a genuine, "Good for her." This wan't the reaction she was looking for, but it was genuine, and I didn't let the comment hurt. It was acknowledged, and let go, simple as that.

Logically, what was said to me isn't important in the scheme of things. I know my job is OK for me. I love being single and have chosen to be after a lousy marriage. My inner thoughts on things like this are very fleeting annoyance, but a chuckle deep down. Because it's amusing to see someone try to provoke a reaction and get absolutely nothing rewarding in return.This person wants to control me, and I refuse to relinquish my well-being and dignity to her barbs. Peace of mind and calmness are my rewards for not letting her get to me. If she keeps trying to zap at me, I politely make my exit, a silent boundary erected to protect myself from potential harm.

When I was much younger, and at an upscale nightclub with friends, I overheard another girl in the bathroom say, "She has too much hair," looking at me as she rolled her eyes. She and her friend giggled. I took it as a compliment, because in old age, I will still have my hair when hers was thin and would probably be even thinner in the years to come. Besides, it was the 80's, the big hair look was "in" back then. It didn't matter what she or her friend thought of me, all that mattered to me was that I was happy with myself.

Digging back at someone who puts you down isn't a good idea. Stooping to their level isn't necessary. As long as you feel good about yourself, that is all that matters. Just go with the flow. Don't let negative people bring you down. By being above the pettiness, you are showing class and dignity. How they react is their business. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are.

 

[dottie]

oh yeah, the way you threw a tantrum over peanuts and yelled at the lady in line was so "forgiving," "kind," "good," (i'm pulling words directly out of your motto). that was so mother teresa-esque of you!

She didn't yell at the lady in line, she just smiled at her.

oops i thought she literally told that lady, "thanks, for the unwanted opinion." it sounded very condescending nonetheless and really rubbed me the wrong way when i read it. i'm just burnt out from customer service and need anger management.

 

[IceLad]

As I have found out to my cost, being quiet and unassuming gives people the impression that they can say and do whatever they like to you.

 

[Reholla]

As I have found out to my cost, being quiet and unassuming gives people the impression that they can say and do whatever they like to you.

Yes and I agree with you. But my problem is i stand up for mysef, and have learned to be assertive, but since I am kind (i dont care if you people on here dont think i am. i know myself. and you havent exactly proven to be kind AND/OR unbiased b/c all of you with negative attitude towards this thread have said what bad memories you have of the restaurant/sales business. I am really sorry you have scares from working with the general public, but be fair, and dont take it out on this thread.) anyway, I have had people tell me, since you are such a kind person people take advantage of that. back to the whole threads topic. No one has said anything about why they think being kind brings out the worst in people, and that was my whole point of this thread.

 

[Danfalc]

Kindenss definatley gets taken for a weakness off some people.Its somthing your true friends and people you care about will appreciate it.But for people who dont know you... it just makes them think they can take advantage sometimes.Even friends will take advantage..Because i honestly like to help people if i can ive had mates in the past who have borrowed money off me then ive had to mither them to get it back for months,some people are just like that and are out for what they can get... some people see it as a weakness and if you give them an inch they will take a mile yknow?I think sometimes we feel the need to be kind to people because its how we want to be treated,but some people target what they think are soft people... so i guess be polite but save your true kindess for the people who deserve it.

I wouldnt sit here and go on about how kind i am and stuff,but id like to consider myself a polite person and good natured in general.Even before my anxiety i was a very laid back person.I get alot of people say to my mum what a nice natured person i am yet at first they thought i looked like trouble because i look like most of the teenagers round here,baseball cap hoodies ect so i do know how you feel i think.

But i honestly think your reading into things too much,which isnt suprising seeing as we all have a fear of being judged.Some people are just arseholes no matter how you treat them.And for all the stick you got on this thread...i dont think most people ment anything by it you just came across very defensive and pissed off,which isnt suprising cos you had a bad day by the sounds of it.Remember people on here are just as sensative as you

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Sorry for the irrelevance but... I'm more interested with the "nut" story. Uhmm... what happened after that? Did he gave you what you've wanted? Just curious.... :wink:

 

[Reholla]

Sorry for the irrelevance but... I'm more interested with the "nut" story. Uhmm... what happened after that? Did he gave you what you've wanted? Just curious.... :wink:

lol... well he indeed gave me what i asked and paid for. that is what i was inferring when i let him know that i came in to that same location and got the same thing, so i didnt think it was a big deal b/c they understood what i meant last time and didnt give me trouble about it.

and actually since then, i have been back to that schlotsky's, this time for breakfast on the way to school b/c they sell cinnamon rolls there. and the SAME Guy was there!!! so... i brace myself and just politely order my cinnamon roll. yeah, it wasnt a big deal, ordering a premade cinnamon roll isnt too complicated. It was just him at the counter, and i was the only customer. He acted a lot better, and was as polite as could be. Maybe he was just having a bad day.


DANFLAC:
I agree with a lot of what you said. And maybe i do come off defensive on this thread. Its just that when people accuse me, yeah, i get defenssive because the whole interpretation of my story was misconstrued. maybe you guys misunderstood the whole point of this thread, or maybe i misspoke. I am probably the opposite of insensitive, and i am assuming the majority of people on this forum are too. I guess the difference is, yeah i am sensitive, but i definitely dont dish out insults and judge people over the computer. I guess i was pretty shocked and thought this would be the last place people would direct such blunt labels at some one who clearly had a bad day and just wanted some one to say, hey ive been there, or i know what thats like.