Being a socially phobic parent.

[nedkelly]

Hi, am just wondering how people here with social phobia, and now being an adult with children, cope with being a role model for their kids.
And the social responsibility that comes with it...well eventually as my kids are pretty young, but time is running out to get better at it. My oldest who is 3 and a half is starting to notice i think.
So scared i will affect my kids, and miss out on having fun with them...which is all i seek. But i find it extremely hard to take my children outside at my house(i can take them other places...but can't seem to much at home..because fear of neighbours). I force myself occasionally, but it never eases.
I just want to enjoy them

 

[sands]

Hi, I'm new here, but I googled and up came your post, and it resonates so much for me.
My daughter just started school, and I dread taking her.
She's really sociable (thankfully), as is her father, but I find myself avoiding walking alongside other parents (even though she's friends with their children) and I even take silly routes, and in the playground I stand alone, watching everyone yap away, and I feel so sick at times. I sometimes have the courage to talk, but mostly not. I recognise they are mainly talking nonsense, but I just clam up and rack my brains to find words and I know I'll come across as strange to them, maybe even a snob (oh dear, that I am not!). I spoke slightly today but thought anything else I'd have to say would be boring, so it was short lived and like you no, I don't want my kid to be affected. Anyway sorry for the rant, but it's made me feel better Hello to you!

 

[terrified]

Hi nedkelly,

I'm a mother of two young children also with SP. Now that my older one is 2nd grade, I realized that I have to do what I could and stop focusing on things I'm not able to do. For example, I get really stressed out about going to parks or play grounds meeting other moms. I usually let my kids play in the back yard and I watch them through the window. Usually, they are just as happy with that though sometimes, they complain.

 

[Kien]

I think that if a SA person wants kids, the partner must be a really social person so that the kids will not have 2 SAy parents and become just like them.

 

[VioletTears]

Yes, certain aspects of parenting are definitely made hard by SA (and in my case anyways also by depression). On one hand I do give my son other opportunities that a lot of kids don't get (he gets to paint, dig in his sensory table, etc. on a regular basis, and we go to the farm a lot and go hiking... But in terms of building his SOCIAL skills I really don't feel competent at all... and I have a lot of guilt about that.

 

[nedkelly]

thankyou for the reply guys, much appreciated. yes, it's a bit of a hard one. I especially hate the weekends when certain people are around in the neighbourhood, and i do not have much privacy, which i cannot change due to finances. Would love to go to the country to live.
My partner is quiet too, but does not have social phobia. I wish i could take the kids into the backyard...but there are so many windows looking over it, and ican hear the people inside there house...so i know they can hear me so too speak. And i know they do not like me, it;s very obvious.
Im know it's only part of the bigger picture of my social phobia this particular problem, but changing ones personality because of certain people around is well' demoralising. And for my kids too i guess.

 

[terrified]

Hi nedkelly,

I understand what you mean. I feel guilty about being such a inadequate mom and wife. I have hated myself for a long time. Not any more though. It's getting better. I mean the self-hatred part.

It's such a relief that there are other people who feel the same way. I thought I was the only one. I just didn't want people to think I am crazy.

 

[nedkelly]

hi terified

Thanks terrified, yes, it's a little more comforting knowing there are others out there that think like this. It makes you feel just a little less lonely, and well crazy.(no that we are!)
If any of you guys want to chat, my email is [email protected]

 

[shymommy]

hi everyone,

first of all, i can relate to this topic on two counts: i really hate going outside because of neigbors, even ones i get along with; secondly, i am a soccer mom who just watches her kids play while all the other moms gossip, etc. i'm getting used to just sitting there in public places and kinda starting to not care what people think about me. but when i get home, i need to feel comfortable in my own yard, but i don't, and i can't escape my social phobia ever!!

my husband is completely the opposite of me. he accepts the fact that i am shy and quiet, but does not understand even a little about the true fear of it all. i keep asking him to get me a fence on the one side of our yard so we could have more privacy, but he doesn't get why i want it so bad.

my neighbor next door used to be an older lady who would wave and smile, but that was all. she was the perfect neighbor for me because i could wave back and be done. i could go outside and play with my kids, etc. now, we have an older couple that moved in, and they are ALWAYS outside. even the other night at 11 p.m., i'm taking out my trash, and they were taking out theirs also. what the hell??? i think i heard the guy make a comment about me to his wife, i assume because i didn't say anything to them, but could be my imagination.

my one-year-old just started walking, and she loves to swing outside. i haven't taken her outside really for over a month because those people are always outside, and there are no obstacles in between our yards. i'm afraid to play with my boys who are 8 and 6. if i go out on our deck, it's like i'm on stage, because we are in direct sight of each other. damn, i can't even walk my dog at 1:00 in the morning without the guy sitting outside facing in my direction. these people are an introvert's nightmare for neighbors.

they may be nice, but i won't ever know, or care. i just want to go outside and play with my kids and not worry about them. i don't know how to approach my husband about this without him thinking it's just some ploy to get a fence.

sorry for my venting. i am really getting used to being shy in public. i'm to the point where if someone makes a comment about me being shy or quiet, they are about to get an unpleasant earful. but i can't tolerate not being myself in my own yard/residence. this is getting to be intolerable. thank you so much for bringing up this topic. it is so comforting to know there are others like me

 

[sleepysparrow]

(goneeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

 

[Lei]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm coming from a different angle in that I was raised by a single mom who suffered from extreme SA and depression. As a result I had no friends growing up and had almost no exposure to the world beyond what I experienced at home and at school. I'm 33 now and have been to hell and back a thousand times to fight against the years and years of absorbing her beliefs that the world was a place to be feared and avoided. My perception of what life was like was so incredibly skewed but I always had a tiny little voice inside me that told me something was wrong with how I was brought up. That little voice is what ultimately saved me.

You are very aware of where you are at, which I think is awesome. My mom didn't have a clue that there was anything wrong with how she perceived things until I was in my late 20s. I think self-awareness is half the battle. The greatest gift that any parent can give to their child is to choose their child's ultimate well-being over their own immediate discomfort. I know how incredibly hard it is to reach so far beyond your comfort zone that you feel like you are going to get sucked into the abyss. But if you focus on what is best for your child you will look back on what you did and feel such immense pride in yourself.

Good luck.

 

[terrified]

Hi Sleepysparrow,

I have felt exactly the same way you do. My boys are 8 and 5 years old now. Here is what I did. It's a long story but I want to give you all the information so that you could decide for yourself what to do.

I enrolled my older son in mother's morning out program for 2 days a week when he was 2 years old. Because he was only 2 years old and the setting was very informal church environment, I was able to just take him when I felt like it. There were more days that he didn't go than he did.

When he was 3 years old, I started another mother's morning out program where it is credited. It was very nurturing and positive environment for him. He went for 3 days a week, 9-12:30. For the whole first month, he cried every time I left him but the staffs were great about it. I didn't go to most of the functions. When I did go, I felt miserable whole time and the day after.

Also, when I put my second son in the same pre-school when he was 1 year old, the one that is credited. He loved it. Both teachers were like grandmothers and very loving.

I think the fact that my second son started pre-school earlier than my first son helped him to socialize better. My second son has always been more social than my first son.

These days, if kids don't start some types of pre-schools before they start kindergarten, they are little behind when they start kindergarten. That is my experience and what I have heard. If you have different opinion about it, I have no problem with it. Some people feel that kids are starting school too early these days.

Now that my kids are in school for full time at public school, the school doesn't ask you to be there so much. A couple of weeks ago, there was academic night at their school, I asked my husband to go for both kids. He was not happy about it but I just couldn't bring myself to go.

I and my family just learned to do it with what I could at the moment.

I hope this helps.

 

[proudmummy]

Hi there my son is only 11 months old but I really worry about how I will affect him. I go out alot but its always to the same places, certain families houses where I have like a comfort zone, and I only usually go to parks, shops, activities if i'm with a person I'm VERY comfortable with like my partner, or my mum. I had a community parenting class person come out to do a visit on me yesterday and she gave me a leaflet on all the fun kiddies activities they do, then she asked why I havent attended any as its all free and sounds really amazing but I replied "that i've been too busy". She said its "good to mingle with other parents and it would be good for your little boy to socialise and play with other babies". I pretended I was keen on going, and I wish I could, but I know i'd be too petrified.

 

[joshueg]

Hi, Nedkelly!", well, i think that you' ve done a lot of things being a phobic person. You have a partner, who, i suppose, is aware of your anxiety problem and understands you, and you have children. That is great!!.
I understand perfectly the symthoms you described : (
I don' t think your oldest child is beginning to notice your phobia, sometimes we (phobic people) think other people see our symthoms clearly but it is only a thought.

 

[Elulla]

hi all, i am a single parent to three kids aged 15, 11 and 7 it is hard being a parent with SA i also have depression (which i was told began as post-natal after my first son), i hate having to go to the schools when there is any sort of parent evening or event on, i am just grateful that i don't know enough of the other parents that i have to stop and chat i usually get away with a smile back at them.

luckily my two younger ones are quite sociable, my middle child has his moments that worry me he'll end up like me but then the next minute he seems fine. by personal biggest concern is my oldest who just goes to school, comes home, live in his room on his laptop and that's about it. it hasn't helped them not having the best dad in the world (he doesn't really see them much for his own reasons) and that most of the relationships that i do have with men last a few years and the split up usually because of my various problems.

but anyway, i try my best to teach and show my kids i guess as any other parent does.

sorry about the life story, but thanks for reading!