paulmm
Well-known member
Well I spend a lot of time on this forum because helping others with their OCD makes me feel better about mine. But now there is something in my OCD that I really need help with.
My OCD obsessions are mostly sexual - fear of being gay, being a pedophile deep down, shit like that. And one of my major compulsions is that I can't let anything I feel guilty about influence my life.
For example, if I'm obsessing over whether I'm a pedophile or not, then suddenly I remember that I have an exam coming up, I simply won't be able to study for the exam, or in some cases go to the exam, because I feel like if I wasn't obsessing about being a pedophile then I wouldn't have ever remembered to go to the exam. And if I do study for the exam, or go to it, I'll feel like I really am admitting to myself that I am a pedophile because I allowed it to affect my life. Basically, I feel like anything that is influenced by a guilty thought is not real. Like it simply doesn't exist. And when I'm forced to avoid a compulsion and let my guilt affect my life, it's extremely distressing and dissociating because I feel like what I'm doing isn't real.
Anyway - here's my real issue.
About a year ago, I was really drunk and got really sick and vomited everywhere. Shortly after, I felt really ashamed and decided that the best option would be to kill myself to avoid the shame. (I am not a suicidal person at all - this was literally the only time I have ever contemplated suicide). While I was thinking about whether or not I should kill myself, I started obsessing about guilty thoughts and worries about being a pedophile in my head, and suddenly I couldn't figure out whether killing myself or not killing myself was the "real" scenario, since one would be influenced by the obsessions I was having, and one would be the path I would have taken if I hadn't started obsessing.
Obviously, I didn't kill myself, but ever since I feel like I should have died that night. I feel like I am not real, and the world around me isn't real. And everyone can keep their jargon to themselves - I'm a psych major, so I'm aware of derealization, depersonalization, etc., but knowing about them doesn't make them go away. I feel like I can never make something of myself because I won't deserve all my success since I'm supposed to be dead. It's like that movie Final Destination, only in my case it was something gross and guilt-provoking that let me escape death. I feel like all the interactions I have with people aren't real because I'm supposed to be dead.
I have long periods of time where I can tell myself "you have OCD, and in this case your OCD saved your life, and you should be thankful for that" but at other times I feel like I should never benefit from thinking about gross things like pedophilia and shit.
Any advice?
My OCD obsessions are mostly sexual - fear of being gay, being a pedophile deep down, shit like that. And one of my major compulsions is that I can't let anything I feel guilty about influence my life.
For example, if I'm obsessing over whether I'm a pedophile or not, then suddenly I remember that I have an exam coming up, I simply won't be able to study for the exam, or in some cases go to the exam, because I feel like if I wasn't obsessing about being a pedophile then I wouldn't have ever remembered to go to the exam. And if I do study for the exam, or go to it, I'll feel like I really am admitting to myself that I am a pedophile because I allowed it to affect my life. Basically, I feel like anything that is influenced by a guilty thought is not real. Like it simply doesn't exist. And when I'm forced to avoid a compulsion and let my guilt affect my life, it's extremely distressing and dissociating because I feel like what I'm doing isn't real.
Anyway - here's my real issue.
About a year ago, I was really drunk and got really sick and vomited everywhere. Shortly after, I felt really ashamed and decided that the best option would be to kill myself to avoid the shame. (I am not a suicidal person at all - this was literally the only time I have ever contemplated suicide). While I was thinking about whether or not I should kill myself, I started obsessing about guilty thoughts and worries about being a pedophile in my head, and suddenly I couldn't figure out whether killing myself or not killing myself was the "real" scenario, since one would be influenced by the obsessions I was having, and one would be the path I would have taken if I hadn't started obsessing.
Obviously, I didn't kill myself, but ever since I feel like I should have died that night. I feel like I am not real, and the world around me isn't real. And everyone can keep their jargon to themselves - I'm a psych major, so I'm aware of derealization, depersonalization, etc., but knowing about them doesn't make them go away. I feel like I can never make something of myself because I won't deserve all my success since I'm supposed to be dead. It's like that movie Final Destination, only in my case it was something gross and guilt-provoking that let me escape death. I feel like all the interactions I have with people aren't real because I'm supposed to be dead.
I have long periods of time where I can tell myself "you have OCD, and in this case your OCD saved your life, and you should be thankful for that" but at other times I feel like I should never benefit from thinking about gross things like pedophilia and shit.
Any advice?