Been bothering me for a while...

[paulmm]

Well I spend a lot of time on this forum because helping others with their OCD makes me feel better about mine. But now there is something in my OCD that I really need help with.

My OCD obsessions are mostly sexual - fear of being gay, being a pedophile deep down, shit like that. And one of my major compulsions is that I can't let anything I feel guilty about influence my life.

For example, if I'm obsessing over whether I'm a pedophile or not, then suddenly I remember that I have an exam coming up, I simply won't be able to study for the exam, or in some cases go to the exam, because I feel like if I wasn't obsessing about being a pedophile then I wouldn't have ever remembered to go to the exam. And if I do study for the exam, or go to it, I'll feel like I really am admitting to myself that I am a pedophile because I allowed it to affect my life. Basically, I feel like anything that is influenced by a guilty thought is not real. Like it simply doesn't exist. And when I'm forced to avoid a compulsion and let my guilt affect my life, it's extremely distressing and dissociating because I feel like what I'm doing isn't real.

Anyway - here's my real issue.

About a year ago, I was really drunk and got really sick and vomited everywhere. Shortly after, I felt really ashamed and decided that the best option would be to kill myself to avoid the shame. (I am not a suicidal person at all - this was literally the only time I have ever contemplated suicide). While I was thinking about whether or not I should kill myself, I started obsessing about guilty thoughts and worries about being a pedophile in my head, and suddenly I couldn't figure out whether killing myself or not killing myself was the "real" scenario, since one would be influenced by the obsessions I was having, and one would be the path I would have taken if I hadn't started obsessing.

Obviously, I didn't kill myself, but ever since I feel like I should have died that night. I feel like I am not real, and the world around me isn't real. And everyone can keep their jargon to themselves - I'm a psych major, so I'm aware of derealization, depersonalization, etc., but knowing about them doesn't make them go away. I feel like I can never make something of myself because I won't deserve all my success since I'm supposed to be dead. It's like that movie Final Destination, only in my case it was something gross and guilt-provoking that let me escape death. I feel like all the interactions I have with people aren't real because I'm supposed to be dead.

I have long periods of time where I can tell myself "you have OCD, and in this case your OCD saved your life, and you should be thankful for that" but at other times I feel like I should never benefit from thinking about gross things like pedophilia and shit.

Any advice?

 

[de-vin]

I have OCD as well, pretty much every intrusive thought there is so I get how you feel...anyway I've found the only way to help the obsessive feelings about not being able to study or go to the exam, is just go and do it, I know that it's fucking horrible, but if you just go ahead do the things you want to normally do sooner or later you get used to it and it wont bother you as bad...for example when I used to see violence I would obsess about whether or not I liked violence or was a murder inside, but once i went ahead and watched it, it stopped bothering me, even though at first it made my OCD horrible...

And about death...you die when its time to die...if you aren't dead obviously your not sopposed to be...you didn't die because you chose not to...yea you decided not to because your OCD, but it was YOU alone who chose, you made the decision. I know its easier said then done but just move on with your life and forget the past.

goodluck with everything...

-Devin-

 

[RedRibbons]

I don't know. My OCD is a sexual nature too, most of the time. It's the same, worry about being gay, worry about being a pedophile, worry about being attracted to people I am related to. Also, I worry about saying the "N" word in front of a black person, like, just yelling it out. I also worry about randomly making out with people, when they are too close to me (no matter how they are related to me, friend, family, co-worker).

All I can say is.. Try to just find humour in the way your mind works. And not focus too much on it. I know it's really hard, but I think eventually you will get a grip on it. It's taken me a long time to somewhat come to terms with all the thoughts. It started its course about 7 years ago... and I think the biggest hump has already been conquered, now it's all just residual, and well, I'm worried about something else taking up the space, once it clears.

I guess you can maybe try to feel better, that you're not the only one out there with the craziness, I know how you're feeling, somewhat.