I understand your sadness. I used to have the "electricity" feeling and the mad face all the time as well. Now I feel less nervous around other people so it has gotten better, but it's not completely gone. I take the bus many times a week and I can tell you that nobody is watching you. When I'm in the bus, I look around and everybody's talking or minding their own business. It's only the SA that's making you think that everyone is watching you.
The nervous gestures that you make, people don't notice them. They can see you making the gesture, but to them it's just a movement of your body. You're the only person who makes the connection between the movement and your anxiety. I'm self-conscious as well, especially in the bus. I probably replace my hair, replace my shirt, replace my neck so that my head is straight about 30 times. Imagine how much I do it in a day. But it's okay 'cause people don't notice that stuff, I'm the only who does and as I mix more and more around strangers, I get less nervous and I do these things less often. One day, I'll almost never do it. Constant exposure and patience is what you need to cure your SA.
One thing that has helped me a lot is instead of always worrying about other people looking at me, I look at them. When I'm in the bus, cafeteria, class, I look at the people around me and it made me realize that they are not looking at me. They are people just like me, minding their own business. The bullies are not gonna come and get you Saskia, and forget about those kids from school. They don't know anything because they don't know you personally. They probably don't even care about it. If they do, then they're young and immature and not worth your time.
I hope you'll feel better soon.
Newtype, thank you for your message. I like when you said ''Constant exposure and patience is what you need to cure SA'' I'm gonna do it.
I was downstairs, told my mom about it, she said, what about if you go tomorrow? I thought yeah, that's a good plan. But It made me think like, No.. It also makes me feel down because tonight I didn't reached this goal.
Even though it freaks me out, I should think differently.
I should enjoy this bus trip, like it's no big deal.
I notice when I think ''I'm relaxed, that's the way I wanna feel''.
Helps me alot, or think that everyone is as trustworthy as my closest friends and family.I feel less anxious around them, So If I imagine all my close people sitting around me, I'd feel much better, but still it's hard if I get back into reality. But what is Reality?
One thing I know, is that I should work on my body presentation, I should representate myself as a confident independent person. No nervous and strange gestures, Cuz It only makes me feel insecure about myself.
It's just the SA tics, I would call them. I start to act all anxious and don't look at people, constantly look around and want to hide and look away when people stare at me, I will look at them, although that's a hard task, I'd try tonight.
I will see this goal tonight, as a matter of learning how to cope with SA.
Tonight I'll be not focussing How Afraid I am, I'll focuss on How I can Cope With It, and think of all the POssiblities how to feel better in that situation.
I want to see this night, as observing myself, the invironment, my thoughts, feelings and all the POSSIBLE ways of coping with it and feel good about myself. Of course I don't want to be in the center of attention, just me in the background, still it's hard to feel afraid of people staring at me, and making eye contact *here goes my thought again* These people can just look at me, that's what people do, they won't check me out all the time, having all strange thoughts about me, because they Don't know me, and even though they Might think I'm a failure or whatever, I know I'm working hard on so many things, and that will keep me strong no matter what, Also in the presence, because I'm not gonna let this fear beat me up, I'll fight this monster.
Cuz.. of SA, I lose the grip on myself and tend to not observe everything around me, I need to observe everything around me, so that I'll find distraction from anxiety.
And focus not too much on what my anxiety tells me, try to not Identificate myself to my worried thoughts, but believe in the strong person we all hide inside.
I will keep an entry this entire road in the bus, thinking of good tricks to cope with SA and every thought what pops into my mind I'll write it down and will find a way, because I've had enough of suffering this pain.
It already helps, when I think I can focus on a better point, exactly the point what i want to reach in life, and that's a good thing to do. right?
I won't cancel tonight, I'll fight.
i feel sick of going by bus now.. cuz i feel so watched and it makes my throat dry and feel like i cant breathe its the most heavy scared feeling in the world, it feels like im going to faint. if i sit in the bus, i feel so self concious, like its a nightmare in real life, because of what i feel inside me :'( and the people around me could see how much scared i am and see me as a victim sufferer and hup.. the bullies can return to me and see how such a weak pity i am. 