Awkward! Aspie +/- ~SA, and NTs!(Neurotypicals)

[Lonestar473]

Edit: Sorry! Wish the 'have trouble eating infront
of others' thread that I just saw was at the top before I
started typing this thread! I didn't see it..
(Since this kind of covers there very same thing!) *Doh!*

Edit2: (Although on second thought for me its more the lack
of buffer space between me and strangers than eating
in front of strangers.)

(Its long, I know, sorry- I'm not good at simplifying)

Okay so maybe not the best title *EVAR* but after
10 minutes I gave up!

So I had an awkward experience this morning. And I don't
really know if its just me, or if it would have been any different
for some of you, or if you have a clue as to what might have
been going on what.

I have Asperger's if you don't know what that means,
search Google, and maybe rent a recent movie called Adam.

I also, because of the whole social skills issue, exhibit some SA
tendencies and feelings about some social situations in many
contexts.

So I went this morning to meet with my previous college professor
so he could be my 'Adviser' for registering for classes this fall.

That went fine, afterwords, I realized, hey.. I'm hungry!

It was just about the end of breakfast time, which was fine
because I didn't feel too much like breakfast food.

So I get my food, which was a little meh, but not the bad part.

I pick a seat on a little small table with two chairs, that's against
a wall that goes up to about shoulder height when your sitting down.

On the other side of the wall is a booth for 4 people. The table was a
bit dirty, and there were lots of empty seats all over. I kind of picked
one that was in the middle, but out of the way, except for this booth
on the other side of that wall.

So I don't really understand if its and NT thing or what, maybe you
guys could enlighten me since even if you have SA, you understand
the signals mostly even if you don't act on it/them/whatever. Ok, or
you would at least see them better than me.

An older guy, and a younger girl, he was maybe 50ish? and she
was like my age.. 25ish? Get their drinks and then walk around a
moment, look at me or my general area at least twice for a brief
moment, walk to the booth, see its dirty - and then sit down
there anyway!

So its basically like this:

=============
(Me)||(Him----)
[Tb]||[-Table-]
(--)||(Her----)

= and || are the walls that are shoulder height when sitting down
[ and ] is the tables and (--) is a chair and (-------) is a bench

So I have only eaten like 2 bites, which means that there is no hope
of being able to finish quickly and go. Thus I spent my entire time
eating being nervous, thinking about whether I could move or if that
would be taken offensively. Trying not to act conspicuous, ie - normal.

I think I failed. I was constantly staring off to the right, away from them.
Anymore and my neck might have got stuck

Or if not I was staring down at my food. I only glanced their way one time
and wouldn't it be my luck.. that would be when the girl looked my way,
and our eyes met for a brief instant and I jerked my head back away..

I hate it when I am just looking around, trying to act normal,
ie mimicking the looking around normal people seem to do and I
meet eyes with someone, I always feel like they will think I'm staring
at them and I DO NOT want to appear creepy!

So I finish my food without looking that way again, and they were
chit chatting - at times I almost wondered if they were intentionally
to made sure I could hear them, and they talked about.. well to me,
a huge variety of subjects. I'm guessing from what I heard that he was
like her father in law or something.

I know she mentioned giving birth to a son(whose name is my
name! of all coincidences!). So she was probably married. In case
anyone might be thinking she wanted to sit there because she liked
me or something. And maybe its dumb of me to even mention that,
I am not very attractive =\ and I don't really have any interest in
meeting a girl at the moment anyway, I have someone I care for-
though its complicated at the moment. So as far as I know and
understand- I'm sending any kind of signals that should say otherwise?

Anyway, I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible,
while trying to not draw attention to myself. The SA tendencies
in me kicked into high gear, and it took a lot of.. well something,
to stay put and not just either pick up my tray and run to
another table as far away from everyone as possible, or just
leave with my food in hand altogether.

I don't want to pretend or say I know what its like for someone
with SA, I just know I felt something that sure seems to fit the
tendencies, but if I had an understanding of what was really going
on, and didn't have the negative assumptions, I would have been
much better.

I just really don't understand.. why pick that seat? There were
plenty of other cleaner seats? Also if there was some reason they
sat beside me, why couldn't they just say something?

Is there some signals I'm missing or.. was that just generally weird?

And if/when anything similar has happened to you, how did you deal
with it, or was it even an issue - maybe its just an Aspie thing?

 

[Ritta]

I have a problem with people sitting next to me as well. I feel extremely uncomfortable. If I were in your situation, I'd probably pretend I got a text message and take my food and leave.

I remember one time I was on the bus and there were plenty of empty seats all around me, but this person chose to sit next to me and I have no idea why. I'm glad I had the window seat. Looking outside kept my anxiety more under controlled. ::

 

[BugsyShamone]

I think social anxiety can sometimes be a symptom of Asperger's because of not always knowing how to "fit in" or how to behave like other people. Is it just the closeness of people that bothers you or do other social situations make you nervous too?

I don't like people sitting too close to me either, like if I'm on a bus or train, especially if the people are sat so that they're facing me. Also, like you said about the accidental eye contact - I hate it when that happens as I feel like I've drawn attention to myself and the person will think I'm staring.

As for WHY they chose to sit there - it could be a variety of reasons: They may not have noticed the table was dirty or may not have cared; it may have been a quieter or more private spot; or sometimes people just have a preference for a particular spot. Who knows why people choose to sit where they do? I'm sure most (non-SA) people don't give much thought to it. You should try not to over analyse the situation because then it becomes more of a problem. But I do understand that it wasn't a comfortable experience for you. You should be proud of yourself for coping with it and with talking to your previous college professor too - I would have freaked out about that!

 

[Lonestar473]

Yeah, It was a little awkward with the professor thing, but not too bad, hes pretty easy for someone like me to relate to, since he teaches fairly advanced computer programming, so that created a kind of bridge, and hes also pretty
understanding and nice, unlike some teachers I have had the misfortune of
knowing in the past

And yeah the whole closeness and space issue is just one of a few things.

I don't like to be close to strangers, now if I'm with someone I know fairly
well then its near as bad but I still don't want to be close to bumping
elbows range with strangers. And prefer to stay just outside elbow range
with people I do know.

And I tend to shy away from any kind of prolonged social interactions unless
there is some specific subjects or activities that will make it not as easy to
have awkward silences.

I also don't like eye contact with people unless I know them really well.

But the whole space thing is probably the worst and what can really make
me show SA tendencies...

And Ritta!!!! How come you are so smart! I never even thought about pretending to get a text! I was hoping they'd both step away for a moment.

I guess thinking about it, it must have something to do with the whole lack
of deception trait Aspies have, as pretending to get a text feels like lying so
it never entered my mind

 

[Felgen]

I have Asperger's syndrome (diagnosed) as well. Allthough I don't have any problems with eating in front of others, I prefer to eat alone.

 

[Pookah]

Was diagnosed Asperger/SA/Depression. When I eat at work in the cafeteria, I turn my chair away from the whole room. I sit on the outskirts and face a wall.

 

[stephen]

Maybe they just like a booth. The low wall just sounds like poor design. I really hate that setup as it feels like you are sharing a table with all the implications of forced intimacy so I understand why it made you uncomfortable.

 

[hangbi92]

maybe i have asperger too

 

[coyote]

...it must have something to do with the whole lack of deception trait Aspies have....

Ok, so I definitely don't have Asperger's.

 

[Lonestar473]

Maybe they just like a booth. The low wall just sounds like poor design. I really hate that setup as it feels like you are sharing a table with all the implications of forced intimacy so I understand why it made you uncomfortable.

Exactly! Even though I was there first I felt like I was invading
their privacy. I mean someone else might have joined in and
it had a totally different outcome.

I really don't mind other people, I even like the fact that they are
there, I just prefer to observe from a secluded location where I'm
not likely to be noticed or be in anyone's way.

I think that's what it was, I felt in the way.. even though I was
there first, like I stole someone else's place, and they sat there
anyway, even though in this case it was a totally separate table.

Its not really the people that bother me, its the whole being
in the way thing. Now conversations are another matter altogether. ::

 

[dottie]

you just have to remember that the world doesn't revolve around you. why they chose to sit there 99.9999% probably had nothing to do with you. they may have been avoiding sun in their eyes or a draft, you never know. if they made me feel that uncomfortable i would have moved or left. why endure being that uncomfortable when you don't have to?

i definitely have SA and i've been curious for awhile if i'm aspie.

 

[Lonestar473]

I never meant to imply that I thought the world revolved around me.

There were just lots of other seats that were extremely similar and more
toward the inside, away from windows and draft(though it was cloudy
and its summer anyway). The table was dirty, and I'm quite positive
they noticed it, and they looked around at the other tables after
that one and came back to it. It just confused me.

As for not moving... well, wouldn't it seem rather rude to you if people
got up and moved away when you sat down somewhere? And even
though I don't go there a lot, I don't really want to do something
that might make it where I have to avoid going to places.

I know I could be worrying too much. What runs through my mind,
is, ok, I get up and move to another table, and it offends the people
who were there. And then what if they say something or whatever,
and somehow it ends up creating a scene, and I am not socially
adept enough to defend myself, so I could end up getting in trouble.

It used to happen to me all the time growing up. Anytime anything
happened, it always ending up with me being in trouble, even when
things had nothing to do with me other than proximity.

And god forbid a bully decided to do something to me, somehow
it would always get turned around and be my fault.

Even in situations where I've done nothing wrong, just being accused
makes me nervous enough and apparently I give off all the signals that
say I'm guilty. Like I could get accused of shoplifting something I bought,
and then I show the receipt and its like they still don't want to believe me.

Like at Wal-mart, I get stopped by the door people wanting to check
my receipt when I have sat and watch countless other people with
similar types of items never get stopped by the very same people who
stop me almost every time.

Enough rambling, that point is that if something happened, I would likely
be the one to lose any kind of argument. And maybe it sounds dumb,
thinking that moving to another table after some people sit down could
cause anything like that...

But some people around here are just jerks. I've been flipped off a
few times just for driving at or even 5mph over the speed limit...
when there is a whole other lane right beside me and its wide
open to go around, no need to ride my bumper 1inch away for a
minute before you finally blast past me with your engine blaring
and a middle finger raised.

And sorry if I sound like I think the whole world is against me or
something, I know its not, it just seems like every time I decide
to not be so cautious, like the moving tables thing, that something
happens. I really don't like being this way, but I don't know
what else to do.

If you don't mind, it would be helpful to know what part of my posting
gave off the impression you received, as I do not wish to portray that
because I do not feel that way. I do not like being front and center,
I prefer being behind the scenes and totally unnoticed.

Attention = bad

Ok, enough typing, I've typed too much ::