AvPD as giving up on anxiety related desires

[Artanis]

I'm curious if other AvPD sufferers share this trait - if their avoidance of anxiety provoking situations has led them to giving up on what they desire allmost alltogether? - I had anxiety from Social Anxiety Disorder but since becoming avoidant I have more or less given up on being really social with lots of friends... and from anxiety from love-shyness I've more or less given up on ever having a close intimate relationship with a woman in order to cope with the anxiety that once caused me...

Combined with an enourmous amount of escapism and other avoidant behaviours, I am no longer crippled and traumatized by anxiety, but the price is that I had to adjust to a life without friends and give up on hoping to one day have a girlfriend...

I started listening to yet another social anxiety tape series yesterday and noticed that it seems less relevant since I'm beyond the anxiety but I don't know if I need to get back into that state of mind with all of the anxiety, stress, depression, frustration, self-loathing, etc. in order to get better in the long term...

Do other Avoidants here understand this situation?

 

[TooShyShy]

This is a great question. I am not Avoident at all..just shy (in some situations more than others) but i know someone who is.

You keep mentioning giving up on intimacy and a girlfriend. Do you avoid women you like..or that like you alot? If you do, what are the reasons..what is it you tell yourself to get out of your own head - which is what is causing all this (the hiding) bcuz you know the fear itself, is not anything concrete or realistic!!!!

Its something your brain has registered and recognized as 'the truth' and inturn you now believe it. You can have a girl in your life if you learn to turn off the messages your brain recognizes as the truth.

You just need to make THE CHOICE to give someone a chance and take baby steps to be around her and connect. I know someone who does this. He creates mini goals for himself. And he makes small strides daily, then goes back a few steps every few days, but then tries again until he is back where he left off and it has gotten better.



I hope this makes sense

 

[theslowesthand]

Yep, i know exactly where youre coming from .. been there done that
Done the escapism thing .. and still doin it
Am the "master of avoidance"

I've more-or-less given up all hope of a normal social life, but funnily enough i still cling to hope of getting relationship/g'frind?! Go figure!
1 main differnce between us though i think, is ive never ever had a "social life" to begin with, so i hve no need to "give it up" (my norm = social isolation)

> I started listening to yet another social anxiety tape series yesterday and noticed that it seems less relevant since I'm beyond the anxiety but I don't know if I need to get back into that state of mind with all of the anxiety, stress, depression, frustration, self-loathing, etc. in order to get better in the long term...

Yeah, i think your very right about that - we "avoidants" are "okay" but ONLY while we keep avoiding, that is to say, theres a SH*T-LOAD of CR*P not too far below the surface .. which we keep avoiding (by way of avoiding situations, (& maybe) confronting our own misbeliefs about selves & world around us). Unfortunately this cr*p DOES surfcae from time to time, but thats the price we pay for continuing to "bottle it all up" constantly (ie sh*t builds ... EXPLOSION ... sh*t builds .....)

My advice, which i follow myslf, is to SLOWLY "chip away" at your THOUGHTS & BELIEFS, year-in-year-out, & BY ALL MEANS KEEP AVOIDING, as that is normailty & keeps you "out of trouble" - and i would steer well clear of therapy, hard-core self-help material & the like .. just keep your "therapy" it all LIGHT & EASY!

 

[Havocan]

I think it's a matter of realising that everyone will, sooner or later face rejection and not being able to archive the things they want at some point{s} in life. Hence the fact that we have to deal with this bloody awful feeling of humiliation, scorn, feeling inferior to others and so on whenever we get rejected, but just accept it as part of life^^.

 

[Artanis]

You keep mentioning giving up on intimacy and a girlfriend. Do you avoid women you like..or that like you alot? If you do, what are the reasons..what is it you tell yourself to get out of your own head - which is what is causing all this (the hiding) bcuz you know the fear itself, is not anything concrete or realistic!!!!

I'm not unattractive in appearance, I'm fairly normal looking for a modern Australian guy, but I've never had any girls or women take any interest in me...

Back when I was in high school and once more while I was in university I became deeply infatuated with a total of five girls after first of all having crushes on them. What I mean is borderline stalking behaviour. Enormous anxiety, limited social skills, virtually no experience interacting with girls throughout much of my childhood leading to chronic love-shyness, etc… all leading to an inability to be assertive towards girls who I had crushes on leading to infatuations instead of friendly interaction. The only way to stop myself from continuing this process of becoming infatuated with and thereby emotionally hurting both the girl in question and myself was to force myself into avoidance and deny myself the right to have those sorts of feelings for the girls and women I would otherwise be attracted to. This avoidance has become habitual and I don’t know if I can reverse the process or if I can even ethically justify reversing the process or if I can somehow bypass the reversing process (of depression, anxiety, stress, self-loathing, etc) altogether???

By staying avoidant I’m only hurting myself a little bit (as opposed to the 100% rate so far of greater consequences of hurtful infatuations which hurt both myself and the pretty girl who is unfortunate enough to have inspired feelings of attraction from me) and I’m keeping myself busy in other areas of my life…

 

[Artanis]

Yes I do this. I used to be crazy about horse back riding when I was little, and took riding lessons up until high school. But horses are expensive, and the only way to ride them is to go to my stable and get a lesson. But I'm too scared to go there again, because I'm not that good of a rider. I don't even think about going there anymore. Even though I still love horses, I've sort of come to terms with the fact that I probably won't ride again until I get a horse.

I'm sorry I don't understand how our situations are even remotely similar...

 

[gale]

Ah your stories sounds pretty like me.Been there too,trying to make friends and trying to have a lovelife just like any normal humans around me but sadly i end being alone,dumped or even judged(yes i think Im a bit paranoid but i always have this feeling that they think Im a wierdo say things like that behind me).But now I'm more in control since,i guess,coz I'm avoiding those situations now.But I have this one question in mind.Does anyone here in this site knows someone who got cured from this SAD/AvPD ?I mean someone who suffered just like us and then one day his/her SAD/AvPD is gone ,not suffering from anxiety anymore and now having a normal life(social,lovelife etc..).

 

[gale]

Or is it possible for us(people having AvPD/SAD)to get out from this disorder.I mean if only I know someone like me(SAD/AvPD sufferer) who completely got cured from from this disorder that would mean a hell lot of inspiration for me.But if nobody really can get out from this suffering well thats bad.Well i have accepted this disorder as a part of being me but if theres a way to get out from this thats better since that would mean I can participate in life normally just like them(the normal people),which is what we really want at heart right?Anyone can answer me?

 

[Artanis]

Or is it possible for us(people having AvPD/SAD)to get out from this disorder.I mean if only I know someone like me(SAD/AvPD sufferer) who completely got cured from from this disorder that would mean a hell lot of inspiration for me.But if nobody really can get out from this suffering well thats bad.Well i have accepted this disorder as a part of being me but if theres a way to get out from this thats better since that would mean I can participate in life normally just like them(the normal people),which is what we really want at heart right?Anyone can answer me?

I don't know I'm sorry to say...

My AvPD is the direct result of chronic Love-Shyness, so any cure for my type of AvPD is likely to come from something like practice dating therapy, which is unavailable anywhere near me as far as I can tell...

I'm pretty sure it depends on how the AvPD developed in the first place in order to treat it...

 

[meatcake]

I'm curious if other AvPD sufferers share this trait - if their avoidance of anxiety provoking situations has led them to giving up on what they desire allmost alltogether?

I am no longer crippled and traumatized by anxiety, but the price is that I had to adjust to a life without friends and give up on hoping to one day have a girlfriend...

I don't know if I need to get back into that state of mind with all of the anxiety, stress, depression, frustration, self-loathing, etc. in order to get better in the long term...

Do other Avoidants here understand this situation?

Yeah, unfortunately - giving up does seem to be a way of getting rid of social anxiety, but doing that is difficult because of all these other desires that come up. Plus economic necessity which makes you still have to interact with people. Bleh. I wish there were still jobs for lighthouse keepers.

It's like there's a balancing point between avoiding the anxiety of social situations and depression that comes from total isolation. In the long-run, I think you need to go back through the territory that induces anxiety. But hopefully with the right guidance, or at least a good roadmap, the anxiety can be minimized along the way.

But I don't know - I'm about to start therapy cause I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I guess I've lived with social anxiety so long I just think of it as part of me, that I just don't want to do social things. Which includes working with people!

 

[Pariah]

Yes. I find myself unable to make friends, and for years and years I accepted that, and didn't try and it felt pretty comfortable. I didn't think my life could be any different. It was only within the last few years I began trying, which has brought up a lot of feelings of depression, isolation and rejection that I didn't have to deal with when I ignored the problem. Part of what allowed me to ignore it for all the years I did was that I am married, to someone who is similar to me, and I work, so I have some human contact regardless how the rest of my social life goes.

I've suffered a setback recently and withdrew for months from everything except work (bills happen regardless of my feelings) and am now gradually putting a toe back in to the social pool. Its not comfortable.

 

[Plissken]

Yeah man I'm in pretty much the same exact situation as you. I've given up on it all. While there are good points to being social, it's just not worth the intense anxiety that I go through. I cut off ties with all my friends, am no longer working, have no plans at all. I have no anxiety anymore day to day because I no longer put myself in any situations that trigger it. I do miss my friends and actually going out and doing stuff, but it's just not worth it for me.

My only problem now is needing to work. Day to day I'm fine, but then my mom will start pressing really hard for me to get a job and the anxiety begins to stab away at me. I know I will never get a job at this rate unless there's some outside force.

I don't even want a job or career or something. My dream is to just somehow have just enough money to live comfortably on for the rest of my life without having to work. I don't care to be rich or anything. Then I'd get an apartment and never leave it.

 

[Pariah]

Plissken, have you tried any of the medications which can help with anxiety?

 

[Rodox]

I have given up being a normal member of society and girls,I am a pretty normal guy,I think I could get a girlfriend,but anxiety and fears take over, I dont know if its irrational,I feel that I am not good enough,ashamed people will see a guy who is a "complete loser" with her,or she will realise that I am not good enough and leave me or cheat on me,so I never really had a real girlfriend.

 

[Rheves]

Thats my whole issue as well. I just feel like a loser and that I am in no way allowed to be with a woman. I know its total BS but I cant get rid of it.

 

[Hocuspocus]

I totally identify with this situation. Over the past 4 years i've created my own little bubble where nothing can embarrass me, scare me or make me feel anxious.
I don't work and no longer want to. I've pushed any ambition i ever had to the back of my head. I've managed to push away all my friends except one who is 'unpushawayable' The only time i go out is to the supermarket and then only if one of the kids comes with me.
I've convinced myself i don't want another boyfriend ever again. Since i became AvPD i've put on 3 stone and i think it's a subconcious effort to make myself look unattractive and keep people away.
I don't have a landline and keep my mobile on divert so I'm not panicked by the phone ringing.
When the kids have left for school i stay in my bedroom with the tv turned really low or stay in the back of the house with the blinds down so no one knows I'm in. If anyone knocks on the door i get so scared i hide.
Because i avoid anxiety so much i haven't even seen a doctor. I can't find the courage to either call in or phone to make an appointment.
In my mind as long as i can go on avoiding things i'll be happy but i know i won't be able to avoid everything forever.

 

[Lemans]

Does anyone here in this site knows someone who got cured from this SAD/AvPD ?I mean someone who suffered just like us and then one day his/her SAD/AvPD is gone ,not suffering from anxiety anymore and now having a normal life(social,lovelife etc..).

It's difficult that avoidance can be cured when the person who has this problem is because is ugly (like in my case). I mean I'm avoidant because people avoided me as an adolescent, so I decided to avoid people in response. But I think I could be cured if I decided to have cirurgy in my face, so people wouldn't be so put off by my appearance, but honestly i don't care anymore, as I'm happy in my life of solitude.