AvoidNdaLies
Member
Never been much for this kind of stuff but I figured I should give it a try and see if letting my thoughts out, besides just in my diary, would help me get over some of my issues.
I guess I should start by saying that I cant believe how long I went without realizing that I have this kind of personality disorder. My therapist's have said everything in the book but what I truly feel I have. I can understand why they would get it wrong because I've been working at my emotional defense's every since as far back as I can remember. My mother busy with work and school, my step father raised in an emotional void, and my brother suffering from his own trials and tribulations. I was left to fend for myself and it was okay for a while. Faking the smiles and eagerly trying to please people through the fear the if I didn't my already low self esteem would deepen and I would surely die. My mind became my best friend and my worst enemy. My escape from reality, doubling as my one person prison for which I am to spend all my life. From one moment to the next switching between "I'm worthless I should just give up and crawl in the hole I belong in." to "I have a lot to offer and anyone would be lucky to have me as a friend." That is until I push them away because they have bad days that I think are my fault (knowing they're not). I run straight for the hills before they come their sense's and realize that I'm not fun enough, I'm to cautious, I'm only good for a laugh, and I never want to go out and even when I do I'm to up tight. My mind, like a dog watching from the foot of the bed, stalks me when the moment becomes just right enthusiastically singing the "Look at this" song. The chorus chiming in my ear. "Look at this leg ugly and thick, this arm irregularly unfit, this stomach with hair that should go under an arm pit." Then just like that I lay unsatisfied and my partner blaming himself for my shortcomings. My mind then begins to conjure up images of him satisfying another and I then begin to plan my escape from the impending doom. If that's not AvDP then I would surely love to know what is. I could write for days I'll leave you with that. Any kind of advice would help. I'm married to an amazing man but I can already feel myself gazing at the door afraid that I'm not worth any kind of affection.
I guess I should start by saying that I cant believe how long I went without realizing that I have this kind of personality disorder. My therapist's have said everything in the book but what I truly feel I have. I can understand why they would get it wrong because I've been working at my emotional defense's every since as far back as I can remember. My mother busy with work and school, my step father raised in an emotional void, and my brother suffering from his own trials and tribulations. I was left to fend for myself and it was okay for a while. Faking the smiles and eagerly trying to please people through the fear the if I didn't my already low self esteem would deepen and I would surely die. My mind became my best friend and my worst enemy. My escape from reality, doubling as my one person prison for which I am to spend all my life. From one moment to the next switching between "I'm worthless I should just give up and crawl in the hole I belong in." to "I have a lot to offer and anyone would be lucky to have me as a friend." That is until I push them away because they have bad days that I think are my fault (knowing they're not). I run straight for the hills before they come their sense's and realize that I'm not fun enough, I'm to cautious, I'm only good for a laugh, and I never want to go out and even when I do I'm to up tight. My mind, like a dog watching from the foot of the bed, stalks me when the moment becomes just right enthusiastically singing the "Look at this" song. The chorus chiming in my ear. "Look at this leg ugly and thick, this arm irregularly unfit, this stomach with hair that should go under an arm pit." Then just like that I lay unsatisfied and my partner blaming himself for my shortcomings. My mind then begins to conjure up images of him satisfying another and I then begin to plan my escape from the impending doom. If that's not AvDP then I would surely love to know what is. I could write for days I'll leave you with that. Any kind of advice would help. I'm married to an amazing man but I can already feel myself gazing at the door afraid that I'm not worth any kind of affection.
