Argh! I need some advice...

[columnmn]

Hi all,

I just found this forum, and I like the idea of having like-minded people around, hopefully who can help me with a problem I have.

I’ll give some background first.

I’ve got social anxiety, specifically dating anxiety, but it’s spreading into more areas of my life. I’m 22, and it has been getting worse for the last 4 years. Basically, whenever I speak to a girl I like, I begin to feel sick, and if I don’t get away I’ll throw up (which has happened more times than I can count).

So as you can imagine, my social life is almost non-existent. I’m in a bad rut, basically wake up, go to work, go home, go to sleep. And my days off are usually at home, playing on the computer. And I’m sick of it.

I tried a medication called Zonlof (I think that’s it), but it kinda messed with my head, and didn’t really work. I’m a bit of a writer, and I’d loose a good portion of my creativity, and I’d look at something and simply not see it. So naturally I went off it.

That was a few years ago, and it’s still getting worse. To the point that I feel a constant sick feeling some mornings, and it’s really annoying me.

But that’s still not the problem I have. Well sorta not anyway.

For the last year and a half, I’ve been dancing around a girl I really like. She works in a supermarket, and I can go in and buy something, flirt with her for a minute or so, and get away feeling good and not sick. She told me a few weeks ago that she had a boyfriend, and it felt like a kick in the guts; but I’d been dancing around and not making a move for over a year, so I had nobody to blame but myself.

Then last week, I was flirting more than ever with her, and the guy in line behind me asked loudly if I liked her, I proudly said ‘Of course.’ The next day I saw her again, and she said she had a massive fight with her boyfriend and that she was gonna break up with him. Yippee!

And then the, ‘holy crap,’ thoughts start on me. I can ask her out alright, just ask and run. But then the terrifying part is if she says yes. I seriously don’t like my chances of going an entire date without throwing up, I don’t like my chances of making the car ride to the movies without throwing up. And I’d probably spend the entire time concentrating on not throwing up, which would make things worse, I’d be very quiet, and the date would get dull fast.

And I don’t think throwing up, then smiling to her and saying, - “You should feel proud, you make me sick to the stomach!” – will help my chances any.

But if I don’t make any move, I’ll loose her, and I don’t want to go another year simply dancing around her; and I know she’s frustrated that I haven’t made any move.

My friends simply don’t understand what I’m talking about, they just say go for it. But I wish it was just that simple.

So do you guys have any tips for me? Any ways to get past the first date? Anything to stop my head from messing up my life entirely!

I know it’s completely illogical for me to get so physically sick. I really don’t think I’m shy, when I’m around people I’m comfortable with then I’m pretty confident – I can get friends laughing in stitches with incredible ease. I’m happy with how I look, and the sort of person I am (apart from the obvious.) It’s just…

Argh!

Any help would be greatly appreciated,
~Col


P.S. I just found a natural drug called Seredyn http://seredyn.com/ , it says it’ll easy or stop anxiety within 15 minutes to an hour. If it works then I’d be over the moon, I’m giddy at the thought it could work. Imagine going up to a random girl who smiles at me and being able to talk to her, or survive a date with a girl I really like!

I ordered some, but I don’t know how long it’ll take to arrive.

 

[Tryin]

welcome columnmn!

well i don't know how is it with you but some time ago I got tired from all the gettingup-goingtoschool-goinghome-reading-playingcomputergames-and-so-on and simply told myself: "enough is enough, now get up baby and go do something about your life". not that it was easy or that i had much succes at first - but i was TRYIN i know it will be difficult for you (much more difficult than it is for me, as i do not have real SF but am just extremely shy) but you want to change something don't you? so try...

good luck


PS: and why don't you TELL the girl about your problem? :wink:

 

[LemonKiss]

Not to sound strange here but I'll consider you mildly lucky. That is, you have a true reason to avoid dating. You throw up, which is completely not your fault. It sounds better to me to have a tangible excuse. Mine is more abstract and therefore harder to not feel guilty about.

I think it's wonderful you have this opportunity to ask out the girl you've liked so long! Awesome! What I do when I'm afraid to do something is: tell myself to stop being such a *insert inappropriate word* and just do it. Oddly enough, it always works.

Best of luck to you my friend.

 

[Bearly]

Try asking her out with the intentions of just being better friends, rather than a big romantic situation. When you were flirting with her in the store, you were all right. Just think of it as getting to know each other better and having a good time. Since she just broke up with her BF, she might not be ready right now for romance anyway. Maybe even go out with a group of friends. From what I can gather, you seem to be okay when the basis is friendship, it is romance that seems to make you nervous.

As far as the natural medicine you are going to try, I can tell you a little about the ingrediants. It is comprised of valerian root, passion flower and L-theanine.

I have just started taking L-theanine, so I can't tell you much about it.

Valerian root makes you drowsy and dream a lot (some strange dreams too). I don't like the strange dreams, so I prefer chamomile tea if I want a sleep aid.

Passion flower is okay, but the effects aren't very noticable.

I am going through a similar situation. I just started going to see a pychologist, maybe that will help. To relieve stress in general, I have found that working out, or yoga, meditation, tai chi all help to reduce stress.


I wish you the very best. Everyone deserves love in their life. We all have it, but romantic love is not something our friends and family can give.

Just to tell you that it can be done, I was dancing with someone I like a few months ago. I did not like her expression that she was giving though, as she has some anger towards men and I am over sensitive about people's expressions, and so I felt humiliated, which led to a brain jolt, my painful version of a anxiety attack. After I got my stuff together, I refused to walk off the dance floor, instead I walked right up to her and slow danced with her, which is not something I usally enjoy, as I feel shy about it. I was not going to let my AA problems ruin my lovelife. Holding her in my arms and seeing her smile was one of the best feeling i've ever had, and made me glad that I didn't back out and walk off the dance floor. Beats the hell out of any drug ever. I am going to she her next weekend, and I want to ask her out, which may sound funny, but I don't blame her or myself for my anxiety attack, it is just something that I have to over come.

So don't back out, give it a shot. Just try to be closer friends, don't make it a do-or die situation though.

Hope this helps, and i wish you all the best

 

[columnmn]

a do-or die situation.

Mate! That could work!

Get somebody to hold a gun against my head, and say ask her out or you're dead. The survival instincts will kick in, and I'd ask her out!

Although it is a supermarket, and going in with a gun to my head probably won't get the best reaction...

I'll keep it as a plan B.

Its more the fear of throwing up that's messing with my head the most, the more I concentrate on not throwing up the quicker I feel sicker. Its a self defeating cycle.

But she did just break up with the boy, so I was thinking about giving her my number and getting friendlier with her through text messages and things like that.

 

[Bearly]

8)

Just for the record, By do or die, I meant you pressuring yourself, i didn't mean threatening to kill her if she won't go out. But then again, maybe that's not a bad plan B. :wink:

If you can interact with women without getting sick when you are on friendship terms, just think of her as friends-with some possibility of benefits.

I get nervous around women after my attacks (and people in general).

I do a yoga class, which is comprised of mostly women. Yoga is geared towards calming the person, and the yoga instructors (all women) are very calming people. I come out of there feeling great and having a much better image and interaction with women. It's sort of like meditating with them. If you think you can handle that, try doing something like that to get yourself use to being around women in a calm, meditative environment.

Do you feel like throwing up around all women, or only the ones you have romantic feelings for???


One last word or advice, for what my two cents are worst. Don't give her your number and expect her to call. That almost never works. Instead, get her email or telephone number. Sorry, but that is the way society is set up. Men are expected to do the calling.

 

[columnmn]

I actually meant holding the gun to my head, not hers... The survival instincts would kick in.

But its pretty much every single moderately attractive female over 16 and under 30. I'd think, oh she's cute, I get even the slightest of a glance back and my stomach starts turning.

I wanna go back to high school when I had a stalker and more girlfriends than I could count...

 

[Bearly]

Oops, sorry your right, I read your post too quickly.

So you had lots GFs in high school, but are only having problems now? Maybe a therapist can pinpoint why you are having problems now and not before. Maybe you had a bad experience or lost confidence. I am afraid I can't help you much with therapy, it would be like the blind leading the blind. I am not particularly fond of therapists, but I bit the bullet and am starting to see one, because I need all the help/ advice I can get, as my romantic love life is very important to me. So I must take action and do my best and whatever it takes to overcome this problem.

All the best to you Mate. I know you can do it.

 

[columnmn]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Guess who just spent 20 minutes talking to the girl, without throwing up, and controlling the sick feeling in my gut?

Oh yes, me baby, ME!

She was stacking shelves, and I stopped and chatted to her. She's broken up with her boy, but it's still a little early to ask her out, give it a week and a bit maybe.


But I know how this anxiety crap started, not so much why, but how.

Social anxiety usually starts around late adoselence, 17 to 22, and builds during those periods. It started very simply when I was 17, my first time with a girl - got her naked, then started to feel really sick and climbed out of my car. I'd drunken a little before hand, so I accounted it to the alcohol.

Actually, the first time was before that, over at a girlfriends place. We were making out, and I was playing with my first set of boobies, and for the first time I had a girl leaning against my man-hood. I think I almost had a panic attack then, but I controlled myself, and calmed myself without her even realising. And it's never really been an issue for me.

Then I moved away from the country town I'd been living in. Away from all my friends, to a place I didn't know anybody. I got stuck into work (chef), I didn't go out much, so I got out of the habit of going out with friends - the work, home, work, home routine started; and I got too used to it. Then I started talking to a girl I'd been smiling at as we crossed paths lots, and wham, it hit! I made an excuse, ran off, and threw up.

After that, it continually got worse. But I'm sick of it controlling me, and I'm not going to let it anymore.

My brother is doing his PHD in physcology at the moment, and I've been doing as much reading up on social anxiety that I can (granted most of it is useless info.), so I don't really know what a therapist can do for me, apart from taking far too much money. I can't get the idea out of my head that its better for them to keep me partially better, but bad enough that I need to keep going back to them.

Its my self defeating attitude that I've gotta break, and loose the fear of throwing up, or the fear of the anxiety. Just gotta accept it's happening, and move on - without beating myself up over it. Supposidly it should get better over time.

*fingers crossed*

 

[Tryin]

i cross my fingers for you columnmn

 

[Bearly]

8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)

Alright!! Way to go. I knew you could do it!!

Its my self defeating attitude that I've gotta break, and loose the fear of throwing up, or the fear of the anxiety. Just gotta accept it's happening, and move on - without beating myself up over it. Supposidly it should get better over time.

I agree with you. It is also good that you're reading up on social problems. The more knowledge, the better the chances of finding the answer. Sounds like your off to a good start of correcting this problem already. I'm not a therapist, but you might want to think about why the concept of sex makes you want to throw up. Were you taught that sex is bad? Did you see movies where sex was displayed in a violent and unpleasant way, such as rape?

My advice, keeping talking to this girl, and remember, she is a friend that you have loving feelings towards, not sexual feelings for now, and if it does come down to sex, it is just a natural expression of the friendship and love you feel for this wonderful person in your life. Love is meant to be expressed at times and this person makes you feel great.

My fingers are crossed and I know you can do it!!!

 

[columnmn]

Oh, there's no chance in hell that I could look on her as just a friend; and I wouldn't wanna if I could. The fun flirting would go out the window.

You should have seen my hands shaking though. I tried showing her when I banged my hand at work yestuday, and I had to hold my fingers with my other hand to limit the shakes.

There isn't anything about sex that bothers me these days. When I was younger, there was the holy crap, what if I don't do it right? Does she think I'm too skinny? Is she ready for me inside? How long before we start? Does she really want to? I'm looking down is there anything looking back:roll: ?

But these days, when I'm comfortable with the girl, or don't really like her :? , I'd da man

I'm still feeling giddy. Can't wait for tomorrow when I see her again. (and without a sick feeling in my stomach) :lol:

 

[Bearly]

8)

I am glad that you are feeling confident around her. She sounds like the right woman for you

Sometimes with SA thats all it takes. Often it is not everyone that bothers someone with sa, or there are often varing degrees of anxiety with different people. So if you find someone that you're comfortable with, it's like a slice of heaven :wink:

It sounds like your starting to have fun with all this, and that's great and the way it should be.

 

[columnmn]

I just tried my new seredyn caps. AND THEY SEEM TO WORK!!!

Although I haven't put them to the real test yet, I just went for a wander though the shopping center, smiling and saying hello to lots of people.

The times when I'd usually feel the sick part coming, I could feel it starting, but when I get to the person to say hello, its disappeared!

Woot!

 

[Bearly]

I have been offline for a while. Just wondering how things are going for you.

 

[columnmn]

Yeah, not so good.

The drugs made things worse if anything. I couldn't even look at her without throwing up. I basically ran from the shop to loose my gut.

So back at square one, with no idea about what to do.

I'd been hoping they'd work.

 

[Bearly]

Sorry for the late reply, I have not been on this forum for a while. I tried straight L-theanine, an ingredient in what you tried, I didn't like it, it made me feel sick. Maybe you should ask some advice from your brother as you said he was studing therapy.

Sorry about your situation. I am a loss as to what to suggest. Therapist can really irrate me, but your situation is so unusual, I feel like I have to suggest one. Or maybe trying reading some litature about your problem, maybe your brother can suggest something to read to gain more information about your problem. Whenever I have a problem, I try to learn as much as I can about it so that I have a better chance of finding an answer.

 

[columnmn]

Yeah, I sucked it up and went out to see the shrink. Was helpful, basically said I needed to push through the anxiety, and it'd get a little less worse each time. Which is going to be hard considering pushing through means throwing up on somebody. But I'll manage hopefully. I got a few more breathing techniques, which seem to work.

But there is something good on the horizion. I met a girl online, then clicked pretty much instantly, have so much in common, I mean almost everything. And I found out a few days after meeting her that she has social Anxiety too, which is just uncanny I think. Only prob is that I think she has a boyfriend (although she's really friendly, and flirty), but I'm planning on stealing her if she does. Which isn't something I'd normally do, well never done, but I really like this girl.

I also gave her the addy for this forum, so she might stumble onto this post... I so wanna steal you.

:lol: :lol:

 

[Bearly]

I am glad that you are getting help, keep it up. When you first told me your problem, I was thinking that you were throwing up because a thought disgusted you, a bad association. I had a thought this morning that I was wrong, and that it was fear or anxiety that was causing you to throw up. I should have thought of that earlier, but I associate throwing up with nausea, so forgive my slowness of thinking. Yeah, you really should push through it if it is anxiety or fear related. Also try to be around women a lot that you don't throw up with (as in no sexual attraction) and become friends with them, maybe even discuss your problem. You need to make some positive associations with women. See some romantic movies perhaps. I am just throwing out ideas of course and am not claiming to be a therapist, but what I am saying makes some sense.

Never run away from something you fear, because your mind will make it so much worse next time and so much worse than the reality of what it is. Of course use common sense and use that advice with a grain of salt, if your life is actually in danger, get the hell out of there.

 

[columnmn]

I try really hard not to run from anything I fear. I usually have to realise I fear it first though, which is the tricky bit. I can handle nerves, they are fine. It's just the throwing up part that gets to me. Its hard to push through something when you need to run off and throw up.

But I'll manage.