"Approach Anxiety" problem

[Juggalo]

This is a common problem for shy guys, guys who struggle with social phobias I know. It can be exceedingly difficult to approach a woman and just chat her up, let alone ask her out.

The point i want to get to in this thread is this: If you're a virgin with no previous experience dating or trying to pick up women, you have no past successes to look back on, how can you get over your approach anxiety and approach a woman with any kind of confidence? Its a chicken and egg thing. You have to be able to approach them with confidence, but for me with my lack of experience to fall back on it seems like my approaches are doomed to failure. If I could succeed once, I feel like I'd start getting more confident with that past success to look back on and start doing better in approaching women. But thats the problem, I haven't been able to approach women succesfully in the first place.

 

[klytus]

By knowing that you are worth her attention and certainly a better choice than most alternatives she may have in your shared social environment. Of course, you have to find out why you think you are a viable mate, first, before you convince yourself. It has to be realistic.

The point is, you are making your life unnecessarily difficult by attempting to do the most improbable. That is, wanting to be with someone while being unsure about your relationship with yourself. It very seldom works.

Your being a virgin is immaterial to this problem. Whether you have had sex doesn't influence your social interactions with women. You can easily talk to women. You just have to know what kind of woman you want and then confidently go for it, with the required assertiveness and strength that a mentally mature lady wants in a man.

What is it that you are anxious about?

 

[Juggalo]

By knowing that you are worth her attention and certainly a better choice than most alternatives she may have in your shared social environment. Of course, you have to find out why you think you are a viable mate, first, before you convince yourself. It has to be realistic.

The point is, you are making your life unnecessarily difficult by attempting to do the most improbable. That is, wanting to be with someone while being unsure about your relationship with yourself. It very seldom works.

Your being a virgin is immaterial to this problem. Whether you have had sex doesn't influence your social interactions with women. You can easily talk to women. You just have to know what kind of woman you want and then confidently go for it, with the required assertiveness and strength that a mentally mature lady wants in a man.

What is it that you are anxious about?

I don't feel like I'm attractive deep down. It has as much to do with what I think of myself as anything else. I think badly of me, so I can't be confident. I assume no woman finds me attractive. And when I look back on my past and how I've never had sex, never kissed a woman, never had a g/f, never been on a date or even known of a girl whos ever liked me(if there was I never found out). Looking back at that, it becomes IMPOSSIBLE to convince myself I'm attractive.

 

[klytus]

Well, you certainly have some qualities. You should make a list of aspects about you, you find great, and a second list of things you find unattractive. Regardless of how you feel, your experiences, or your lack of them, doesn't determine your quality as a man, or a human. You are with certainty as much worth as anyone else, and it is likely that you have additional attributes that increase your mating qualities tremendously, provided you make proper use of them.

Your main problem is that you are convinced you are worthless. This conviction is visible to other humans, and they, too, will think the same. When it comes to women, you can imagine what devastating effects this inevitably has on their romantic interest in you.

I am a virgin and I can easily talk to women I find attractive - probably because I have realized that I am superior to most other men, when it comes to aspects of life I, personally, deem important. That realization is reflected by my behavior. In general, the conversations are quite pleasant, especially as I only talk to those with whom I have interests in common. Why would I talk to anyone else? Unfortunately I am yet to find a girlfriend. But then I am not really making an effort to meet many new people. It's a numbers game, after all. At least women my age talk to me now, contrary to how they treated me back in high-school.

 

[Juggalo]

Well, you certainly have some qualities. You should make a list of aspects about you, you find great, and a second list of things you find unattractive. Regardless of how you feel, your experiences, or your lack of them, doesn't determine your quality as a man, or a human. You are with certainty as much worth as anyone else, and it is likely that you have additional attributes that increase your mating qualities tremendously, provided you make proper use of them.

Your main problem is that you are convinced you are worthless. This conviction is visible to other humans, and they, too, will think the same. When it comes to women, you can imagine what devastating effects this inevitably has on their romantic interest in you.

I am a virgin and I can easily talk to women I find attractive - probably because I have realized that I am superior to most other men. That realization is reflected by my behavior. In general, the conversations are quite pleasant, especially as I only talk to those with whom I have interests in common. Why would I talk to anyone else? Unfortunately I am yet to find a girlfriend. But then I am not really making an effort to meet many new people. It's a numbers game, after all. At least women my age talk to me now, contrary to how they treated me back in high-school.

Yeah, it is a numbers thing somewhat. Which is why I know my inability to approach has been devastating to my dating life(the result has been I have no dating life).

I know its all in my head. I mean I know I've seen some FUGLY guys, a lot less attractive than me, with women. And not just with women, but with women who seem attractive. So I know its an attitute thing. I just have to keep working to fix THAT part of myself.

And trying to think of some ways I'm superior like you do could help. I DO have a 140+ plus IQ, among other things. In the past I've felt like women don't like that but still, I have to TRY to think positively about myself. Its honestly a new thing for me.

 

[klytus]

What would a "successful approach" be like in your eyes?

 

[Juggalo]

What would be a "successful approach" in your eyes?

Well the most IDEAL version of success would be getting a phone number or something like that. Setting up a date, whatever.

But for me successful could just mean being able to approach a girl at all, and once I've done so not making an idiot out of myself because I'm so nervous. Being made fun of or her acting like "eew, who is this weirdo" would be the worst case scenario.

 

[klytus]

Hm. Where do you meet most people in your everyday life?

 

[Juggalo]

Hm. Where do you meet most people in your everyday life?

I don't. I live in a rural location, and I haven't had a car the last couple years. I have a job passing out fliers for my dad's company because thats the only job I can get without having my own transporation. Obviously, working for him he drives me to work. The main place I meet any women is at the stores we frequent on a regular basis, the women who work there. Those are the only women I meet more than once in my life in a passing situation. I've had crushes on a few different chicks who work at the grocery store, lol. I don't have a comp at home, Im on my uncles. So without regular internet access I havent been able to use the net to meet any women.

EDIT: So most of the time when I meet a woman I find attractive, I'm faced with basically only the choice of making a "cold approach"(asking out a woman I'm meeting for the first time). And with my social anxiety/shyness troubles, that has been impossible.

 

[klytus]

I admit that yours is an extraordinarily unprovidential situation. You have to increase the number of people (amongst them women your age) you meet on a regular basis. Regularity is important. Seeing them once isn't going to make it. That is, you could make it a habit to frequent a club, or a similar place - perhaps at a city nearby - at Friday night. Otherwise it's unlikely you meet anyone you could get into a meaningful conversation with any time soon.

 

[Juggalo]

Im trying to get a job now, well, have to, because Im on a food stamps now. Maybe a having a real job with co-workers will help me.

 

[klytus]

Im trying to get a job now, well, have to, because Im on a food stamps now. Maybe a having a real job with co-workers will help me.

Anything that makes you meet new people can help.

 

[Remus]

Yup working can be hell at first but you do get used to it
It can be theraputic if you find the right place

 

[Nack]

The answer to approach a lady is.....*drum rolls*




Approach with the intent to become friends, not get laid, or to get a date. :\

Its hard with beautiful women though :T

 

[be_noticed]

i have that with my classmates ::
and the doctor's at this point. i dont want to go there ::

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Approach with the intent to become friends, not get laid, or to get a date. :\

This. When you don't expect anything to come upon your interaction with a woman, then it eases the pressure on you to perform at your peak, and then you can loosten up and talk without feeling like you have to take things further.

 

[k_sami]

Hey, this is a good thread so thanks for starting it.

I've had this issue before, the main thing to remember is that the anxiety will always be there, but you can get it under good control... so it doesn't control you. Breathing exercises helped me a lot.

I visit this site often, and it's one of the best resources on approach anxiety... enjoy - Approach Anxiety - Turn Your Fear of Meeting Women into Confidence.

Cheers.

 

[k_sami]

Sorry, accidentley posted again in this thread. So post edited.

Hope the site above helps anyhow that I recommended.

 

[mrbryan3]

Your issue sounds all too familiar. Sounds like my life. I suffer from OCD, SA, and an inferiority complex. I have never had a gf, or dated or kissed a girl. I'm 32, it eats away at me and I feel like people can tell. I feel no matter what I do I will never be truly happy. Some people say fake it to make it, what happens when all of it is fake and theres never any making it. You are not alone. Unfortunately I cant convince myself of that.