Anyone got any suggestions to tweak my brain back to normal?

[Rye]

Hey errbody,

I'm 24, male, and I have social anxiety, OCD, and slight depression.

I'm super shy, especially around women, but the main issue is my codependency with my mother.

She, too has OCD. She has violent thoughts about harming me, and it dominates her life. She is also an alcoholic.

Her alcoholism led to my codependency. I worry about her more than myself. A lot more. It's almost as if I'm living her life instead of mine. That pretty much sums it up.

She has a fear of driving, thus, I have a fear of her driving. You could also say I have agorophobia for her, not myself. Sounds pretty strange right?

I feel the need to drive her everywhere, and when she drives herself, even to the gas station down the street, I am afraid she will crash and die. I know this is irrational, but you all know how OCD is.

She is managing her alcohol now, but, of course, I firmly believe if I stepped out, she would fall back into the drinking every day. She drinks once a week now, and as soon as I leave the house, she slips up. Every time. So as you can see, I feel trapped. I have no social life, it's basically me and my mother (my dad's around too, but he is self sufficient, and does fine, I love him just as much, but I don't worry about him like I do my mother).

I know it's untrue, but I feel like I love her more than anyone else loves their mother. I'm sure other people think this as well about their loved ones.

I feel if I lost her, I would have no reason to live.

So basically, my goal here is to build a life for myself, separate from her, so when, god forbid, the day comes when she is no longer around, I can move on with "my life". As of right now, "my life" is her life. Does any of this make sense?

All I'm really looking for is some advice on how to begin. I take 2 Klonoping .5mg a day, but that is it.

Any guidance is greatly appreciated. Thank you all.

Ryan

 

[coyote]

Hi, Ryan. Welcome to the forum. You are sure to get some good advice here.

 

[BlueDays]

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[Rye]

Thank you guys very much!

 

[Pookah]

Hopefully some other OCD sufferers will come and reply. (I just have Social Anxiety/Aspergers.) But I am assuming you go to therapy and such?

Like I said, I don't have OCD, but I know to a lesser degree what you mean about fearing for other people more than yourself. I worry all the time about my brothers or my mother that they might get hurt or killed doing every day things. (Going on amusement park rides, driving into the city.) I think it is technically about me though because I don't want to lose them or see them hurt.

It seems you know you can't live like this so it comes down to figuring out how to remedy the situation. Your dad and mom are still together? Then it should really fall to your father to take care of your mother. A child should not have to take care of their parents until they are well and truly unable to care for themselves. (Old age, illness etc.) I can tell you love your mom so maybe you can both get help together.

Do you go to school? Have a job? She must want you to be able to take care of yourself and find your own way. What does she say about it?

 

[Rye]

For a while I was going to school. I got my associates, I am on sort of a hiatus right now.

I agree about my dad helping her out. He mostly works to support her financially and can't really do much until he's home.

I really do think she is able to care for herself but kind of allows me to help her because it, well, helps her. She asks me about going back to school so I know she wants me to go on with my life, but at the same time, doesn't mind me helping. I guess hence the co-dependency.

I see what you are saying I should tell my dad to step up a bit and get back in school.

Easier said than done I guess.

Thanks for the response,

Ryan

 

[agoraphobickatie]

ryan, there are so many parallels between your situation and mine.. i lived with my alcoholic mom alone (just me and her) from age 12-18. i completely understand your worry for your mom. that's exactly how i was. i came home from school/etc to her really drunk and depressed every night and went to sleep worrying if she'd wake in the morning or kill herself or something.. more than once i had to wrestle pills/knives out of her hands and whatnot. it is truly nothing any teenager (or any age) should have to deal with, and i really feel for you.. neither me or my mom has OCD, but the way you say you kind of have OCD from your mom, that's how i am with my anxiety/panic attacks.. she has panic attacks and i started having them when i was 14 or so.. i constantly worried about her and felt that if i lost her i would have absolutely nothing to live for. no matter how unfair my situation was, or how mad i got at her for being drunk, she was always my best friend and i always loved her to pieces..

the only way i am able to be a little more free now, is because when i was 18 she went to rehab and then relapsed after about six months.. i was so angry because everything was going so great and then she messed up.. she stayed drunk for an entire weekend and told me to pack my sh!t and get out. it was horrible, but that was the beginning of the best part of my life. i obviously forgive her, i still love her and she's still my best friend. but being separated from her really forced me to worry about myself and my own situation for once. i still feel very close to her, but it's easy for me to dismiss her own problems. she has eased up on her drinking, and i do still worry for her, but i realize that the most i can do is just pray for her and let it be. it's not my responsibility to take care of her and worry about things that i have no control over, ya know?

it's definitely harder said than done, and i guess i was forced, but it has helped our relationship and helped me tremendously. my mom is actually about to move four hours away to live near her sisters, and i can say now that i am so excited for her. for so long she's been lonely and unhappy and goes home to a small apartment every day. and when she told me she was moving, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.. it will be good for her to live closer to her sisters and be happy. i really hope one day you can live for yourself, it's a great feeling

 

[Rye]

Thank you Katie that is very similar to my situation. I appreciate your support! Your story inspired me to try to do the same. I am glad that you are doing well and that your mother is on the upswing as well! I will have to take baby steps. I hope to achieve a similar situation at some point. I really appreciate it!

Kind regards,

Ryan

 

[PunkRotten]

Both of you should get therapy. While you are at it, send your mom to AA and you should go to al-anon and CODA (codepedacy) meetings. I have some issues like these with my mom too, shes old and it guilts me when she talks about dying, makes me think I cant live my life because I have to take care of her. Both my brother and sister are too selfish and ungrateful to help at all, so it leaves me to take on all the problems.

 

[christinecanada]

I agree therapy will help you on the right path

 

[jrm]

You both need the help of a psychiatrist, maybe also a group sessions or two so you can discuss openly with each other the codependence.

Also, you need to toughen up a bit. I suspect you may be enabling your mother's behaviour and in fact achieving the opposite of what you want. You have to make sure she goes to therapy and do not tolerate alcohol. You gotta be a bit of a bully sometimes because inside her (and you) there's a great mental bully telling you these irrational thoughts and telling her its ok to have another drink.

Also about the trouble you have with girls... some may try and make the fraudian connection with your mother but I believe it just comes down to your lack of confidence.. feel free to talk to me, i am eager to help out

 

[Rye]

I thank you all for your advice. I have already called a psychologist in my area. I am going to schedule an appointment. I really want to get the ball rolling here.

jrm I thin you nailed it, I don't think my situation with girls has anything to do with my issues with my mother. I grew up overweight, and I'm still overweight, and have VERY low self esteem and little to no confidence.

Once again thanks for the advice everyone.

Ryan

 

[MissAnthrope]

You need a hug (((((HUG)))))

tHERAPY I'm against for myself, but in your case yeah you could really benefit from it. I hope things get better soon because at times it can get rough, I understand.

 

[Pookah]

I thank you all for your advice. I have already called a psychologist in my area. I am going to schedule an appointment. I really want to get the ball rolling here.

You sound like a pretty positive/goal oriented person. I wish you luck. Glad to hear you will be receiving professional advice. Sometimes it is just of matter of finding out where to start.

Hope you stick around and let us know how you are doing or chime in with the other threads.

 

[jrm]

I thank you all for your advice. I have already called a psychologist in my area. I am going to schedule an appointment. I really want to get the ball rolling here.

jrm I thin you nailed it, I don't think my situation with girls has anything to do with my issues with my mother. I grew up overweight, and I'm still overweight, and have VERY low self esteem and little to no confidence.

Once again thanks for the advice everyone.

Ryan

I used to be have little luck with girls but once I decided to be confident that all changed. Confidence is a decision - you decide that you are of value and that others cannot bring you down. If you force yourself to think this way eventually it will become natural and girls will be drawn to you.

Even though I am a very confident person I still have self esteem issues - I think of myself as obese or ugly even though I am currently a healthy weight and very good looking - the thing is, I ignore the self esteem issues because they are silly and will only bring me down.

You really need to get to gym and start working out and eat healthier, being overweight is not good for you physically or mentally (I know I have been overweight numerous times in the past). If you want any fitness tips I can send you a great fat loss and healthy eating guide that I think you would find really useful - let me know