Anxiety attacks over trying to be assertive


Well-known member
Yes so its Rugs the schizophrenic partner I have:shyness:

I ask my therapist how I could be more authentic towards him as I have felt that I have been harboring all this 'stuff' and it was always getting to me and adding to resentment even more and more. She told me that I should speak up to him about things that were important to me that may hurt me or whatever. She told me that it could mean that he may not want to be with me anymore if I were to speak my truth and that - I would have to be ready to perhaps encounter even boundaries of that. On the further end of the scale that is.

So Ive been more assertive with him lately. The thing is due to my anxiety- I do it mostly by messaging and later than when what ever bothered me happened. So he sees me all laughing and being happy in person- and then all assertive and telling him this happened today that made me upset.. in writing. Like its two completely different scenes.

But what happens is that I just find it very hard to be up front in person with him about things because for one, its so hard to even get his attention. And for most part, that is what the issue is in the first place.

Then there is just all the schizophrenia symptoms - esp the lesser known ones- unless you have been around a schizophrenic - you probably wouldnt know about them.

I feel so overwhelmed and get frequent anxiety attacks lately about it. Trying to find a way to tell him about things that are giving me resentment and hurt and frustration - how bad it has been because I feel like I really need to let it out to him - to really want him to understand how hard it is to be able to be in a relationship with him- but I get so overwhelmed as I can see things in other ways and things hitting back at me that I just get spun out and in an anxiety attack.

What I end up doing is messaging him and writing automatically to him. And then regretting it, and having abuse my way from him (telling me mean things)- and then having to apologize and saying that Im not well and emotional and make some excuse.

And it sux.

I end up feeling like there is no merit to what I was frustrated about. Like I have no right to feel that way. But anyone would feel that way and there is merit to my feelings.

I just get so overwhelmed with how do I approach this etc.

He has so many things he does that is not aware of how rude or inappropriate or selfish his behavior is and Im tired of just having to accept it all the time and say nothing when I get so frustrated.

Its like the minute I stand up and say what I think I get attacked. And then more resentment comes.

I understand that we can really only experience one emotional path at a time and I jsut get into these negative spirals of resentment and trying to value myself and trying not to hurt him..

Im not sure how to approach this. Not even sure what Im asking.

The other thing is that he goes on Instagram now and I told him how it gives me alot of distress to see the millions of selfies (he basically is on it all day taking the same selfies of himself- then looking at himself and ignoring me.. he is a 33 year old man.. not only selfies but videos of himself (alot of them very immature) and glorification words hes written about him - and then there is random things he takes photos of - like things in my bedroom or stuff -private things without asking .. ) I tell him I get distressed and he tells me to get over it and not follow me on there. It is so disturbing because it shows how hate to say it but 'nuts' he is. He rambles on how he is not on facebook anymore and how people will never be his friend even though they want to be - and they like his photos... that kind of thing.
Its like I could so easily pin him down and tell him what I think. And I really want to- but from a nice point of view where I am showing him what its like on my end. But because he cant even see things on his end - i doubt that he could on my end : /

At the end of the day- I feel like Ive given 100% and hes given 20%. That he doesn't deserve anything Ive given. And I go into these things where I decide Im not going to give to him anymore. And what happens is the relationship just halts. he just turns up but cannot give. And encroaches my boundaries and time. I have stopped being the initiator or like a tourist guide and taking him out and doing so many things for him- when he can only do things for himself (like look at selfies of himself all the time and stuff like that- worry about himself). I stopped doing alot for him for months and months. Id given up. But still do small things. Its so annoying tho because hes not aware he is like this and thinks hes doing his best.

Ive never had to be assertive to anyone like this because Ive been a hermit for a long time.
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This seems like it has gone on for a WHILE.

Being assertive with a difficult person is kind of iffy because if you haven't done it before and you're bottling up all these negative feelings then it can be REALLY easy for the situation to escalate and turn into a huge argument that doesnt accomplish anything.

I recall one time when I was a teenager I was being a selfish **** (like some teenagers often are) and I didnt realize how much it was effecting my mom until one day she addressed it and actually started crying . Then I realized what a **** i'd been. She use to write me notes and stuff to get her point across but it never worked .

anyway, when you confront him remember that yelling is just going to make things worse. dont yell and remember to not blow up at him (that might be hard if being assertive is new to you) Just let him know exactly how you feel, maybe give him an ultimatum , and then maybe say " I'm going for a walk. I'll talk to you later." and get up and leave. ..give him some time to think about how he's treated you. it IS true that some people dont realize what they had until its gone.

also, I'm currently reading this book and it has a lot of good advice on how to deal with tense situations while still getting your point across . I think learning how to be assertive and stand up for yourself is important so this doesnt happen again with your next boyfriend.
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