Always trying to imitate others

[gustavofring]

This is kind of weird, but ever since I was a child, I used to imitate people from movies, etc.
I used to pretend I was Blackadder or some Disney villain. When I got in my teens I wanted to be Che Guevara. Well, not really being that character or person, but trying to emulate their personality in my own. The way they carry themself I guess. Always when I would watch movies, I would be impressed with a certain character, and take some of that with me.

As an adult, I find that I still look for qualities in others that I admire and want to desperately possess myself. Not necessarily from fictional characters anymore, but sometimes people in real life. It's kind of a sad childish quality to do and basically a testament to my lack of natural sense of "self".

I also find that when I am in the company of people I like, I always start talking like them, behaving like them. But when I am meeting people I absolutely don't have anything in common with, I tend to turn inwards and very reserved.

Can anyone relate?

Also as a sidenote, I think I don't really belong to anything. I can't fit myself into any existing stereotype or subculture or group in society. Maybe part of my loss of identity. I mean, I have belonged to groups and organisations and stuff in the past, but none of it has stuck with me. It's like I can't really choose to be anything. It's frustrating. Am I in a permanent existentional identity crisis?

I often wonder what drives "normal" people. Do their actions and behavior come naturally to them? Or are they actively trying to be perceived a certain way?
Sorry for the rambling, it's late, I can't sleep and all these things pop up in my brain.

 

[OceanMist]

There are times I've tried to imitate people and it worked out positively because I was imitating an outgoing person. I did a Jerry Maguire impression on the phone that went well, and I've acted like my friends at times and it went well.

I don't have the energy to do that all the time, though.

I can definitely relate with you. I also feel like I'm on an island. Relating to others is really tough. I've found that even other introverts are usually tough for me to relate with.

It does seem that everyone else has their own personality, and I don't have one. It obviously has to do with my quietness.

 

[arvind]

Well, this post seems to be old, but i just got to find it.

When i was kid, i used to imitate James bond 007 in movies. I read in books that confident people look in the eye. I tried to imitate that. To be honest many times. I scared people, and many thought i was creepy. My friend made fun of it. Before that i tried to imitate a next twist and lip biting, that one smart and intelligent class mate used to do. One of friends asked me why do i twist my neck, and i had no answer and caught off guard. I was confused, I stopped that later, but tried to imitate others.

Even before that, when i was, may be in 8th grade. I desperately wanted to be like, one guy i read in a book. The man in book was so simple yet very kind, intelligent, wise, etc. Well, i bought simple clothes, while everyone else in class was trendy. I never told i behaved the way i did. It was embarrassing to admit that I was imitating others. But i had strong desire to imitate successful people, and wanted to be admired by others. I had no regret imitating others, but was terribly embarrassed admitting it.

I am very uncomfortable with conversation. I am always lost in thoughts, that remotely useful to me. I usually think about planes, or day dream about computer viruses, chasing bad guys, but i never hated others because it was below my level to do something bad or even think without good reason.

To this day ( i am 37 years old), i cannot figure out the reason for compulsive thinking, anxiety, lack of sleep. I tried to read books, tried to consult psychiatrist, nothing worked. I guess everyone is different. SOme like me have to live with problems. I am just glad i am not suicidal.

 

[ComplicatedGirl]

I think i dont have a real personality either.

 

[Odo]

Interesting thread.

I was like this when I was younger, mostly due to low self-esteem and the fact that I felt like I needed to hide my true self. School can be pretty rough and kids are crueller than adults... especially if you don't really fit in anywhere.

My elementary school was full of some really rough redneck kids so I pretended to be stupider than I was and stopped being interested in a lot of things I actually liked because I thought they would be considered 'gay' or effeminate. I was like this for a really long time... and I didn't mellow out until much much later. I was constantly searching for the 'perfect' identity that would finally lead to acceptance, and was constantly questioning myself and wondering if I was behaving the 'right' way or if I needed to change something about myself. I spent a long time dreaming of the day I would finally be who I always wanted to be and would finally be accepted/loved/respected/whatever.

I think that growing up in that environment set me back a lot in terms of coming to terms with who I was and what I actually liked, and it probably also plays a big role in why it's so hard for me to enjoy a lot of things, to have fun, turn off my brain or to let my guard down. I'm still sort of worried about exposing my more 'effeminate' tendencies and being ostracized, even though I've long since stopped being homophobic and have a pretty solid grip on that part of myself.

I suppose a stronger person would have just stood up to the people who were trying to make me feel bad about myself... but I suspect that the people who are capable of that probably have a strong support network at home, or at least don't have any objectionable mannerisms or personality traits.