Neddy, I read your post just now , you’ve already got some really good advices and i’ll try to give my own contribution
- all this applies to your first post, I only realized it was written days and days ago, after I wrote a whole novel ...so I’ll post my reply anyhow – might be usefull.
The way you feel is not caused by others picking up on you, but because you didn’t know how to respond on that. If you think about it, you’ll get my point here. And because you didn’t know how to respond on that then (which is understandable as you were much younger and you coudnt understand that way of dealing with people), it doesn’t mean you can’t learn.You are not that child anymore, (that’s what my therapist said to me
), you must accept now - even though you cant understand it - that there are unfortunaltly many people who will want to hurt you for no reason. You will always through life come upon some people who will try to find your weeknesses so they can use them in order to take control over you. And if you let it happen, than you are creating a very bad self image. That’s something I thought I’ll never learn because I hate fighting with people, I always wondered why would anyone want to hurt someone on purpose, but I guess one cannot change that, you can only ajust to it. As far as your familly is concerned, just say to yourself “ah, screw them, they might not understand me, but I know many people (us here :wink: ) who can. I want my life to get better, and even if I find only one person who will take me as I am and who I can relate too, it’s worth of trying.” When youre isolating yourself no one can approach you, but out there are many people who would want you as a friend. You just tend to think of everybody in a bad way, as your closests ones didn’t understand you.
One more thing - don’t mix your natural quietness with SA, I mean I know you have SA but if you’re naturaly a quiet person (you have to figure that out), that’s just the way your are and its perfectly ok. My doctor told me about his friend who is a very very quiet person, doesn’t talk much unless someone addresses to him, but doesn’t have SA nor low self asteem – on the contrary hes very succesfull (a psychiatrist too), maried, has a happy life and so on.
I’ll tell you a story – my own big triumph.
Some time ago my friend made some really bad comment about me and I was so mad but thought if I start fighting I’ll get confused, I’ll lose control, he will see the way I’m emotional and it will be a huge embarrasement. So I didn’t say anything. But later on, the thought of it didn’t leave me and I was so angry at myself for not responding (I figured that feeling was worst then if I responded, even on cost of loosing him as a friend) and I decided that I was gonna call him and say all I have to say. I took a deep breath, made a call and when I heard his voice I started trembelling and although my voice sounded like I was being attacked by a maniac or something, I started yelling at him and I almost burst in tears. He was shocked I must say, but he really did offend me and he deserved it all. At first I know it sounded like I’m overreacting (freeking out actually) but as I talked and talked I felt peace coming over me and by the end of our “conversation” I was totally calm. And it really felt good. I stood up for myself, although he’s my friend for 10 years and we never had any fights before. After that, we didn’t talk for several weeks and then he rang me and we started hanging out again. Now, I can feel he respects me more than ever, his total attidute towards me has changed in such a positive way. When we had that fight, I did sound too emotional and stressed out, but nevertheless I’ve gone through it.
I expended the subject (sorry, can’t help it :lol: ), but I think you’ll get the idea - as your fear of socializing is that initial fear “what if someone might hurt me again, I’ll be completely shattered”. At least mine was.
My point here is that however you may look or act if you stand out for yourself, even if you totally freak out or start to cry or I-don’t–know-whats-worse-then-that, that person will never pick up on you again. They’ll find another victim. Don’t forget, those people who act that way are usually pretty much insecure themselves and reacting on what they’re saying will put them down for good – as far as you’re conserned. And they don’t certanly deserve giving them such a credit – letting them affect your thoughts about yourself.
Oh, and one more case. I have a friend from school who use to be the meanest person of all, she was always the one who use to make fun of someone she concidered weeker than her, was the first to make evil comments and she was really cruel. For some reason she never picked up on me, so I still contact her from time to time and I recently found out she is suffering now from the worst deppression and panic attakcs…. what a twist, huh?
Take care,
Alex
