Advice on ROCD (New Member)

[Kazah]

Hello people,

I am new to this forum and I am looking to talk to people who suffer with ROCD who are in a relationship or not.

I dont have OCD/ROCD myself but my boyfriend does. We first met over seas where we were both studying about 8 months ago and we hit it off straight way, we just got along so well and loved spending time together. After a few times catching up my bf told me he had OCD and that we couldn't have sex because he was worried about getting me pregnant or that I had HIV and he would catch it. I was really surprised to hear him say this because he showed no signs of feeling this way. I told him that it was ok, my dad had OCD so I am aware of the disorder and that if he felt funny about having sex cause of the thoughs he was having then we didn't have to do that. A number of weeks went by and we got closer and closer to each other and eventually ended up sleeping together but he freeked out afterwards and didn't wanna see me but eventually we caught up again and spoke about what happened and things were ok again.

The time came when we had to leave each other and head back home. It was really hard saying good bye because we had got pretty close to each other and wanted to stay together. We decided to keep in touch through Skype and talked everday when we got home and decided to have a long distant relationship and work out how we can be together.

I will be flying to see him in January and stay with him for 2 months which we are very much looking forward to. I bought my ticket the other day and within a few hours his OCD started acting up really bad and he told me he was worried that it wont work out and I will end up hating him and with that came alot of other worries that I wont mention. He told me when we first met that he has never been able to hold a relationship down for more than 6 months because of his OCD, he said the thoughts get really bad when he is in a relationship and it becomes to much for him to handle so he breaks it off. Every time he breaks it off it is not what he wants to do but he does it because the thoughs go away and he can have some peace. In all of his other relationships he has never told his gf he has OCD he has just kept it to himself but with me he tells me everything we always talk about how he is feeling and he say it makes a big diffrence. However, even though we talk about this stuff he said it still might not work out he still might break up with me if the thoughs get to much for him but this isn't something he wants to do because he loves me so much. He said I need to understand that it is hard for him to tell me this because he is worried I will leave him and thats not what he wants, he wants to be together but just in case it doesn't work out he thought he should tell me so I wont hate him.

I would really like to hear peoples thoughs on my situation. I really love my bf and want our relationship to work. Do you think the fact that we talk about his OCD would help us to stay together, I mean will his thoughts become more easier to manage if he talks about it with me?? I think he is just afraid our relationship will end bad like all the other relationships he has had but he never spoke about his OCD in his previous relationships so I am not suprised it failed. Is anyone else in a relationship and it is working out? Tell me how you get by and what you partner does to support you.

Some advice would be much appreciated

 

[DWToCd]

Does your bf go to therapist to discuss his OCD? I think it is good that he is open about it with you, but sometimes it is also good to have him discuss it with someone who is not involved in the relationship.
If he does, maybe he would be open to have you join him at one of his sessions as well?

 

[Kazah]

Yes my boyfriend has been seeing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist for years he has also tried different medications and CBT which has helped him. He is really open about things with me and I am sure he will let me sit in on his Psychologist appointments.

Thanks for replying to my post . I have to say though I dont find this forum very helpful at all! I know I dont have OCD but I am someone who is wanting to understand it more so that I can be as supportive as possible to my boyfriend and only one person out of 160 people have replyed. Surely there is someone out there that is in a relationship who could have shared with me how they get along and what works and doesn't work for them. I think I will cancel my membership and look else where for some advice.

 

[Feathers]

Well it's a free forum, it's mostly a social anxiety website, you can also look at other forums (we did too!!) and if you want expert advice maybe you can talk to OCD specialists too? Like maybe ask a counsellor/therapist who specializes in OCD? Or could you guys go see a therapist together? (Not just to 'listen in', but to talk about the things that concern you both!) His therapist might also know about other couples like this or could maybe even introduce you to others or a support group?

Did you get tested for HIV and such? (And after 3 months or so again?)
As for getting you pregnant, did you discuss it? If you reassure him that you'd be okay with it even if he gets you pregnant, and that you'd be a 'single mum' if needed, maybe it could help?
(You could tell specific steps eg where you'd get food/money/support...)
Many marriages today don't work out regardless, so showing you're strong about this (and what you've been doing to only go for wanted pregnancy) might help.

Maybe he's not ready to be a father? Is he still a student, could you and he support a family? (Or get enough help from relatives/organisations... if something happened?) This may be a factor..
If you find enough help financially and otherwise (you need a support system!!) you could ask him about his concerns, especially if you think he might be a great father? Tell him that you think he'd be a great father (if you honestly think so!) and reassure him that living with your OCD dad was allright (if it was). Or what you guys are doing that it would be better!!

Or would babies 'gross him out'? (I don't know the nature of his OCD or his concerns...) Would he be concerned about the baby's or your health or what?
Anyway, you need to find out his concerns and then try to find a way to address it... And you need a support network for you *both*, you can't do this alone!! (Like, is there a support group for relatives/partners of people with OCD/other mental health problems?)

I'm not currently in a relationship, last time I was dating we did discuss the pregnancy thing a bit (I got scared of stds and pregnancy too) think I scared him away too lol (maybe I was too direct about it, he didn't want to get tested, and I said he'd need to pay for the baby if he made me one lol - it took some time before this guy ever dared to call me again lol).
I only later developed more OCD-like symptoms (and found out about Pure O), though I think I've had it at times before too, never really sought counselling for that or been properly diagnosed, I try to cope with nutrition and DIY CBT (from books like The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr Burns etc).
Maybe it could be helpful if you learn the basics of CBT (and nutrition) too? There are books and websites about OCD too...

As a new member it's also polite to talk to other people here on the forum, they may be more inclined to reply then too!!

 

[silent9love]

really..in all my relationships i didnot tell my partner about ocd..and at the end it fail because of ocd thoughts...yeah ocd is ahuge thing that cause not only fail in relationship..but it cause failing in all your life
in my opinain to succeed in your relationship you must support him talking about his thoughts and try to solve them and always tell him that you love him to be trust you..cause ocd make him doubt about everything..then make him trust you by tell him ever that yiu love him more and more..this my experiance about this ****in ocd

 

[Fitchy]

If I woulda seen this earlier I surely would have replied. I have always had anxiety and OCD but just recently came to terms with it. It has f***Ed with me in every aspect of my life but mainly relationships. In the past it was good because I found my obsessions and paranoia helped me fight off the had guys bt now I have an amazing supportie bf and it sucks! I tell him everything he knows my deepest darkest and keeps my chin up. He is the only person I have ever told everything too and it has helped tremendously. Unfortunately with OCD when onethought leaves another enters. One obsession you finally deminish and another one comes.. Try so hard to be there for him. If he stays open with you and you are supportive it will help you both have an amazing relationship because you will know each others brains and that is such a greAt thing to have in a relationship. I hope this works out for you and feel free to message me I'm always willing to spill my guts.

 

[Fitchy]

And feathers I really like your posts btw. Going into detail like that will really help his worries go away. Great thinking(=