Accept quiet people
- Thread starter Maybeth
- Start date
Its the same way for obese people, (not saying that i'm obese) but the way people talk about them. Like it's so easy for them to lose weight, I mean all they gotta do is eat healthy and they'll eventually lose the weight right? Wrong. For some, there are other factors that weigh into their eating habits. Such as depression, anxiety, disorder, etc.
So I try to keep an open mind about such things, i "try" not to do discriminating things, but sometime it can't be helped and I feel horrible for this. People usually don't think about these things, they do whatever makes them happy. Just like we come here to find happiness, even though sometimes it momentary.
So I try to keep an open mind about such things, i "try" not to do discriminating things, but sometime it can't be helped and I feel horrible for this. People usually don't think about these things, they do whatever makes them happy. Just like we come here to find happiness, even though sometimes it momentary.
Alyosha
Active member
I have had the same experience. When I was reading your post it brought back painful memories in childhood of always feeling like I was a bit of an outcast. Many people see my hesitancy to talk in group situations as a personality defect, I used to also believe this to be the case, and to be totally honest sometimes I still do, but one thing I've noticed as I have gotten older is that once people get to know me they tend to respect me and most of the relationships I form with people last a long time. I don't have a lot of friends but I have a few very close friends.
ripewithdecay
Well-known member
You know what, I get this a lot. I work in a warehouse with 100 people every day and somehow i'm automatically 'the quiet guy'. Even though half the workers are immigrants and dont even speak ENGLISH let alone talk to others!
I think what people are trying to tell us is that they want us to talk to them more because they're interested in us. I'm not sure that it's really meant to be an insult or anything like that. But yeah it certainly doesn't feel good, you might wish a cripple could walk but you dont go up to him and say 'hey why are you such a bad dancer?'
One experiment i've tried is not changing how often I talk but how loudly and clearly I talk, it seems that when im in a group and talking a bit louder and clearer that people tend to not treat me like the shy guy. Even if I just say one short sentence.
I think what people are trying to tell us is that they want us to talk to them more because they're interested in us. I'm not sure that it's really meant to be an insult or anything like that. But yeah it certainly doesn't feel good, you might wish a cripple could walk but you dont go up to him and say 'hey why are you such a bad dancer?'
One experiment i've tried is not changing how often I talk but how loudly and clearly I talk, it seems that when im in a group and talking a bit louder and clearer that people tend to not treat me like the shy guy. Even if I just say one short sentence.
very_shy
Well-known member
I totally relate to the opening post! Really. With me being a listener more than an active participant I agree that it is not the quantity of words said that counts, but quality.
I don't know for you, but the lack of skills I tend to notice in myself is not just how much I talk (It could be more), but also how I tend to reply to another opinion or statement. For example, if I say to someone, e.g. "I will fly to the Moon next week", it would seem some people really would care about it, their eyes would become bigger, their mouth would open in surprise. You know, they will show their feelings. It's like they really care.
But when somebody would say this to me, I think my reply would be more passive, like I am not happy for one who will go to space. I will be happy for him/her, just don't have the skills to show this. And maybe someone will think, hey, he thinks only of himself.
It is easier to be quiet when you have a group of people knowing your character (e.g. "(s)he speaks little but when it does it is a joy to listen"). It is harder when you meet other people not knowing "you". They don't know that you can talk even while you don't talk.
I don't know for you, but the lack of skills I tend to notice in myself is not just how much I talk (It could be more), but also how I tend to reply to another opinion or statement. For example, if I say to someone, e.g. "I will fly to the Moon next week", it would seem some people really would care about it, their eyes would become bigger, their mouth would open in surprise. You know, they will show their feelings. It's like they really care.
But when somebody would say this to me, I think my reply would be more passive, like I am not happy for one who will go to space. I will be happy for him/her, just don't have the skills to show this. And maybe someone will think, hey, he thinks only of himself.
It is easier to be quiet when you have a group of people knowing your character (e.g. "(s)he speaks little but when it does it is a joy to listen"). It is harder when you meet other people not knowing "you". They don't know that you can talk even while you don't talk.
planemo
Well-known member
I think that accepting ones self is much easier if you get a general positive feed back from those around you. I know it is always said to be yourself and not to care what others think, but sometimes other peoples perception of you affects your life, be it negative or positive. Sometimes you can't help but feel overwhelmed by what others feel, especially if their feelings take precedent. For me it was the feelings of my father. As a small child and being under his 'control', and I use control because he is a very possessive person, I was led to believe that being quiet made you some thing strange and in some ways intolerable. Growing up in this environment made me feel really worthless, because it seemed that most adults only liked you if you were someone with a lot of emotion. The general rule of kids in my neighbourhood was that you had to be of a certain amount of attitude and self confidence. I never had this, so I was picked on constantly, for seemingly no reason other than having a less threatening demeanour. As a kid I admit this made me feel undesirable by those around me. One teacher constantly asking my sister if I was 'sick' also made me feel that being quiet was something rather alien and something which is frowned upon.
So in that sense my immediate surroundings helped to shape in me a negative feeling about myself. If maybe people around me were more accepting then maybe I would have a different feeling about myself. It is important to note that I developed these thoughts as a young child, and although these days I can say "I'm quiet, if you don't like it, then buzz off" in my early years I could not.
So in that sense my immediate surroundings helped to shape in me a negative feeling about myself. If maybe people around me were more accepting then maybe I would have a different feeling about myself. It is important to note that I developed these thoughts as a young child, and although these days I can say "I'm quiet, if you don't like it, then buzz off" in my early years I could not.
I totally agree, I think its very wrong to be judged just because your quiet. I've had people make jokes to me to my face or behind my back for being quiet. Before, when I was younger I didnt get what the big deal was, and mostly ignored it. But now like you, Im painfully aware how it bothers people. I feel if I push myself to be more talkative or extraverted, I feel drained afterwords..and dont feel like I accomplished much. I feel like Im trying to be something Im not.
CPA23
Well-known member
I can definitely relate to everything everyone is saying. Being known as the "quiet person" is definitely not a good thing in most people's eyes. I really don't see what the big deal is and why people constantly point out how quiet I am. People definitely get the wrong idea about me. People might think that I'm stuck-up or snobby which is the total opposite of who I am. I always speak when I walk in the room and try to make some small chit chat. Other than that, I'm pretty quiet and I guess that would unnerve most people.
Now I try to find anything to start a conversation because it is awkard being the only quiet person especially if there is only one other person besides you. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking or I just don't have anything to say. My job requires me to talk to people. I have no problem doing that for the sake of my job. Other than that, I'm pretty quiet upstairs in my office while other co-workers are downstairs talking and laughing. I also can definitely relate to being a group and being ignored when I do talk. Usually I just say forget it and continue to be quiet.
Now I try to find anything to start a conversation because it is awkard being the only quiet person especially if there is only one other person besides you. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking or I just don't have anything to say. My job requires me to talk to people. I have no problem doing that for the sake of my job. Other than that, I'm pretty quiet upstairs in my office while other co-workers are downstairs talking and laughing. I also can definitely relate to being a group and being ignored when I do talk. Usually I just say forget it and continue to be quiet.
They always say it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for. BS...
Talkative people scare me.
Talkative people scare me.
Sadly the username I chose for this site reflects the fact that I was made fun of at work "behind my back-in front of me" (they would call me this when they were talking about me when I was around). I kind of got the feeling that this Maybeth person was me by the things they would say but it was confirmed by one of them accidentally calling me Maybeth to my face and then trying to cover it with some lie. I realized a few months later that they were calling me this after a fictional character who has the same issues of not speaking alot and people thinking she is retarded or something is wrong with her. She's from the book "Homecoming".
I didn't make the connection until I read the book later. I was really identifying with this character and then I remembered them calling me that at work. I don't work there anymore. People can be really cruel sometimes. I don't get it.
I believe that I am on the autistic spectrum because part of the reason I don't talk sometimes is I can't relate socially to "neurotypical" people. It's difficult to pick up on cues or sometimes I am such a black and white thinker it takes me a long time to realize that someone was joking. Plus, I just don't have that need to talk. Most people who judge the quiet types seem to have this absolute need to be talking and communicating with each other.
I didn't make the connection until I read the book later. I was really identifying with this character and then I remembered them calling me that at work. I don't work there anymore. People can be really cruel sometimes. I don't get it.
I believe that I am on the autistic spectrum because part of the reason I don't talk sometimes is I can't relate socially to "neurotypical" people. It's difficult to pick up on cues or sometimes I am such a black and white thinker it takes me a long time to realize that someone was joking. Plus, I just don't have that need to talk. Most people who judge the quiet types seem to have this absolute need to be talking and communicating with each other.
U
userremoved
Guest
I'm beginning to think that the reason talkative people are so upset with the quiet one's is because of their own personal fears and insecurities. Since they're talkers they've probably grown to expect certain reactions and responses from people because of what they say. Of course if they don't get the response they want, they'll handle it the best way humans know how, by getting mad and saying that you are the only one with the problem.
bitingthepea
Well-known member
Same here 
we cant help being quiet, and i no for a fact i wish i was more sociable but probably thats one thing that aint guna happen
we cant help being quiet, and i no for a fact i wish i was more sociable but probably thats one thing that aint guna happen
combat
Well-known member
Wow... that was exceptionally juvenile of them. What a bunch of *******s. Just remember that not everyone who gets frustrated with us "quiet people" is trying to be mean though. Some people just want to get to know us and feel like we are putting up a barrier preventing that from happening.
I acknowledge that not all people are insensitive. But, unfortunately for me, I have had my share of issues with those who lack empathy. I guess I had a bad day yesterday with a handful of people behaving in a bully-like fashion towards people like me. It happens. But your right, there are cool people out there that are more accepting of the various personality types.
I was at work one morning, and it was really early still so it was only myself and another woman there, so it was just a perpetual awkward silence until she just looked at me and said, "you don't talk very much, do you."
And I just said, "nope, not so much."
And she said, "oh, ok, that's cool."
And she still talks with me in the mornings and it's gotten a lot more comfortable and I can hold conversations with her now. She accepted my shyness, but still tried, which was nice.
However, everyone else there pretty much sees me as "the quiet one", so it can get quite awkward sometimes. But I'm used to it
And I just said, "nope, not so much."
And she said, "oh, ok, that's cool."
And she still talks with me in the mornings and it's gotten a lot more comfortable and I can hold conversations with her now. She accepted my shyness, but still tried, which was nice.
However, everyone else there pretty much sees me as "the quiet one", so it can get quite awkward sometimes. But I'm used to it
Yes, Ive found it stems from insecurity too..but its like Im not going to talk more..just to make someone feel better or more secure. If they dont like silence thats their problem, not mine.
But yes I have seen the flip side..they are insecure as well That's, why I feel too..even the most seemingly confident people have insecurites..everyone does.