So, I've been dealing with a lot of stuff lately, and have been looking for some sort of support. I am really down as of late, and I just cannot pick myself up, and I am hoping I can find other people here who have similar experiences that are willing to share.
I have been, all my life, a loner, not so much by choice, but generally out of necessity. As a child, I was relentlessly tormented by my class mates, to the point where I locked myself up, and became imprisoned in my own head. It didn't end there, everyone in my life at one time or another has used me and abused me in some fashion, and I have become more and more distant. My parents even, were never openly affectionate towards me, not that they didn't love me, they did, but they were never able to show it. And, as a result, I push myself away from any means of affection, even though I do seek it dearly. I have basically though years and years of suffering come to a point where I fear the one thing I want most, and that is real human companionship. I cannot be hugged without cringing, or be told I love you without shutting down inside, but all I want is someone to just take me as I am, accept me and let me truly be myself with them. The problem is, I have been gone from my own life so long that I don't even know who I am. I have acted the part of "happy normal guy" so long that I have lost myself in the act, and I now find myself going from totally numb to everything to being so overwhelmed with emotions and having no outlet for them that I am a total mess inside.
I have one friend that I feel I am really close with, but he is more closed off than I am, and I am sure he has demons of his own, but he at least externally is very stoic and very stable, all the things that I am not, and he cares for me a lot, we are basically brothers, and I have learned to depend on his stable nature to keep me stable, and it helps that he doesn't rely on my to be an emotional rock, or that he doesn't rely on me for anything openly emotional at all. We have formed this relationship with each other based on the need for each other to not need the other. But, in the short of it, we do need each other, and I especially need him. In fact, I have become so dependant on him, so addicted to his stability that when I am not in his direct company I am just a total wreck. His friendship means the world to me, and I fear I am pushing him away because at times I am more than demanding of him, as far as monopolizing his time goes. He is very good and accommodating to me however, and his girlfriend is as well, but deep down I know sometimes he wants his space, so I am in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I can either monopolize his time, and feel guilty because I am taking all of his time from him and fearful because I may be pushing him away, or I can back off and suffer intense pain because I am apart from the one person in life that can actually make me feel normal.
Has anyone else here experience anything similar to this, and if so, how did you deal with it?
I have never been one who has made friends easily, or connected with others. To be quite honest, I've never had any really solid friend ships with people other than those who I was close with as a child, and Tim, the person to whom I referenced above is the only friend I have made since childhood.
I feel as if I am all messed up inside, and I have no idea what to do, I have been, lately, very depressed and just feel as if I am lost.
I have been, all my life, a loner, not so much by choice, but generally out of necessity. As a child, I was relentlessly tormented by my class mates, to the point where I locked myself up, and became imprisoned in my own head. It didn't end there, everyone in my life at one time or another has used me and abused me in some fashion, and I have become more and more distant. My parents even, were never openly affectionate towards me, not that they didn't love me, they did, but they were never able to show it. And, as a result, I push myself away from any means of affection, even though I do seek it dearly. I have basically though years and years of suffering come to a point where I fear the one thing I want most, and that is real human companionship. I cannot be hugged without cringing, or be told I love you without shutting down inside, but all I want is someone to just take me as I am, accept me and let me truly be myself with them. The problem is, I have been gone from my own life so long that I don't even know who I am. I have acted the part of "happy normal guy" so long that I have lost myself in the act, and I now find myself going from totally numb to everything to being so overwhelmed with emotions and having no outlet for them that I am a total mess inside.
I have one friend that I feel I am really close with, but he is more closed off than I am, and I am sure he has demons of his own, but he at least externally is very stoic and very stable, all the things that I am not, and he cares for me a lot, we are basically brothers, and I have learned to depend on his stable nature to keep me stable, and it helps that he doesn't rely on my to be an emotional rock, or that he doesn't rely on me for anything openly emotional at all. We have formed this relationship with each other based on the need for each other to not need the other. But, in the short of it, we do need each other, and I especially need him. In fact, I have become so dependant on him, so addicted to his stability that when I am not in his direct company I am just a total wreck. His friendship means the world to me, and I fear I am pushing him away because at times I am more than demanding of him, as far as monopolizing his time goes. He is very good and accommodating to me however, and his girlfriend is as well, but deep down I know sometimes he wants his space, so I am in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I can either monopolize his time, and feel guilty because I am taking all of his time from him and fearful because I may be pushing him away, or I can back off and suffer intense pain because I am apart from the one person in life that can actually make me feel normal.
Has anyone else here experience anything similar to this, and if so, how did you deal with it?
I have never been one who has made friends easily, or connected with others. To be quite honest, I've never had any really solid friend ships with people other than those who I was close with as a child, and Tim, the person to whom I referenced above is the only friend I have made since childhood.
I feel as if I am all messed up inside, and I have no idea what to do, I have been, lately, very depressed and just feel as if I am lost.
