A serving of mood swings anyone?

[Lou-s-Darkness]

I'm kind of hesitant to post this....ehh.....here goes! *covers eyes and hides under table*

I absolutely hate the way my mood is constantly shifting. I try to isolate myself from people, because when I see the way everyone I once called my friends now living happily, I just get upset. It's not just that, it's the constant loneliness ...I can't take it anymore. All that would weigh in on me. I would be in a relatively alright mood until my negative side is triggered and called to serve its time. My mood literally swings back and forth between unbearably upset/depressed vs a mildly sedated state of mind (in other words happiness, if we can go as far as calling it that). It's affecting my studies and the way I behave, any relationship I wish to hold on to with anyone, the way I see myself, and the list goes on...I can't even look in the mirror without seeing a monster being reflected. I wish ....I really wish sometimes....scratch that. I wish all the freaking time that I could get hold of some magical drug or something and all this would go away.

At times I wished I was never born...my insecurities become too much for me to handle. I just want an escape, yet I can't have that. I'm always thinking about how good it feels to cut...and how I can just go away and never come back.

No one will even care if I fade away...they all think I'm a lunatic or something.

There's this constant emptiness inside me...a void, and it's like becoming numb.

I just want one friend...is that too much to ask for? A person that will care for you? Alleviate your pain? Damnit...

I know that ranting can be annoying to most people.....but I'm kind of desperate....

I honestly feel that I can be myself on this forum (even though I don't like myself)...in real life I constantly have to pull an act, so that people don't completely disgrace me....

Does anyone else feel like 'ugh...I can't take it anymore'?

Who else can relate? :crying:

 

[DukeOtakuNukem]

I can certainly relate, you are not alone in this struggle! At one point, I literally had no friends, as my best friend would call me a "psychotic freak" when he found out that I had depression, and have been hurting myself, and I would avoid people, knowing how the interaction would go, so I did not have anyone I could relate to, as everyone was against me, thus felt depression, and always dreamed of having friends, and had to visit psychiatrists and psychologists to no avail. I have eventually turned towards alcohol to drown my sadness after the last straw, which was being rejected by Japanese language partners I tried to communicate with, because my Japanese skills were poor, and am not aware of certain customs that caused the problems. After that, I fantasized killing humans in whatever gruesome ways I could think of, especially the one Japanese ex-friend who stopped talking to me after some mistakes I made in a conversation, whom I met in middle school. I was interested in knowing things about his culture and their media, since coincidentally I got into anime and manga at the same time I met him. I was willing to acknowledge my mistakes, and improve, but I wasn't even given that chance, thus developed the will to hurt people. In other words, you are not alone. Rejection is not a good feeling to deal with. The only thing I can say is hang in there! I found some extra hobbies like learning to program in C++, which helped dull the pain quite a bit, and reluctantly trying to learn Japanese again, despite rejection. At least those are helping a bit. Finding new hobbies that you actually enjoy will help, I promise!!!

 

[Lou-s-Darkness]

:3 Where have you been all this time lol I need to socialize with ppl like you...Ok why isn't there a place where people like us can just rejoice and chill?

Honestly, dude, reading about what u went through sucks...I'll be your friend, if you want lol.

But, your friend had no right to call you a psychotic freak...sigh...loneliness is a curse I wouldn't want to wish upon others...but at times I want others to feel the same pain I feel and worse, just to see if they can take it. I do picture pretty gruesome ways of hurting others as well. Especially the ones that have caused my life to be a living hell. I hold deep and strong grudges...frightening at times, really. I am also into anime and manga. I actually draw too ^^...it's funny because I was in computer science in my first semester in College, and only got so far as learning to program using Java...C++ and Oracle and all these other programming tools were later on...just wasn't my thing so i left...I do have many hobbies such as watching anime, reading, writing and drawing, but sometimes I don't even have the energy to do these things...they become daunting tasks and not some activity that would bring me pleasure.

Sometimes we just need hugs and the elimination of the disease I call human stupidity that many people seem to carry nowadays

*shakes head* <U_U>

 

[DukeOtakuNukem]

Indeed so! I am very glad also that I am not the only one suffering from what I have dealt with for the past eight years. I am in the third year of college now, but unfortunately the negative encounters with one of my best friends in 2005, and the rejection from my Japanese ex-friend that happened at the same time started my vicious cycle of depression, being at its pinnacle in 2009, but I am fortunately starting to get a bit better from discovering some new hobbies. I look forward to speaking with you, and hang in there!

 

[Lou-s-Darkness]

Yes, definitely. Rejection can be the hardest thing to go through if it hits in all the weak areas....then creates conflict within a person...and a chain of issues.

Thanks for sharing and for the encouraging words, I wish you the best as well.

 

[Amitush123]

Know it, changes every minute...it's like one minute, even the idea of standing in front of a firing squad can't bring me down, the other I'm down although I have everything I need..that's crazy