worrywort
Well-known member
argh, I just came back from this thing, and I thought I was doing so well with my SA until suddenly tonight, I just froze up, and totally recoiled inside myself.
I go to this bible study with these guys, and I knew they were gonna do some praying tonight, which really weirded me out to begin with. I didn't know how I felt about it. On the one hand it seems harmless. But on the other hand I really hate doing things when I'm not sure about them, or being fake.
But everybody started praying apart from me, so this made me feel guilty. I thought they might be getting angry at me for not contributing.
then I started feeling like everybody else were all friends cause they all go to church and I left church last year and so it was kind of me vs them...isolating myself further.
Then they all decided to go the pub afterwards and I delcined cause my head was spinning by this point and I really didn't know who I was, what my opinion was or how I felt about anything, so I just said no thanks....and they all seemed fine with it, but I started convincing myself that they're either angry at me, or I'm causing them grief for being a pain and being weird etc.
on the way home I kept thinking about self pity and how in a weird way I kinda like this feeling....but then maybe in a strange way I'm addicted to it....but then again, I really didn't consciously intend tonight to go as it did, and it's really hard to prevent......and ergh
I think it started because I didn't feel right with the group....I didn't feel in control.....I had stuff on my chest that I wanted to release....and I didn't....they even gave me the oppurtunity to be prayed for....and I should've said yes.....I was desperate to be prayed for and get all this shit off my chest.
why do we do the things we do?! I'm sure there's a simple answer, but I get so confused sometimes I just resort to what I know best.....recoiling back inside my shell!
oh well...I'll try again next week!
I go to this bible study with these guys, and I knew they were gonna do some praying tonight, which really weirded me out to begin with. I didn't know how I felt about it. On the one hand it seems harmless. But on the other hand I really hate doing things when I'm not sure about them, or being fake.
But everybody started praying apart from me, so this made me feel guilty. I thought they might be getting angry at me for not contributing.
then I started feeling like everybody else were all friends cause they all go to church and I left church last year and so it was kind of me vs them...isolating myself further.
Then they all decided to go the pub afterwards and I delcined cause my head was spinning by this point and I really didn't know who I was, what my opinion was or how I felt about anything, so I just said no thanks....and they all seemed fine with it, but I started convincing myself that they're either angry at me, or I'm causing them grief for being a pain and being weird etc.
on the way home I kept thinking about self pity and how in a weird way I kinda like this feeling....but then maybe in a strange way I'm addicted to it....but then again, I really didn't consciously intend tonight to go as it did, and it's really hard to prevent......and ergh
I think it started because I didn't feel right with the group....I didn't feel in control.....I had stuff on my chest that I wanted to release....and I didn't....they even gave me the oppurtunity to be prayed for....and I should've said yes.....I was desperate to be prayed for and get all this shit off my chest.
why do we do the things we do?! I'm sure there's a simple answer, but I get so confused sometimes I just resort to what I know best.....recoiling back inside my shell!
oh well...I'll try again next week!