A Life in the Day of Amp

[user deleted]

I decided to keep a journal-thread-thing. I know I haven't been here long, so sorry if it's kind of weird.

Writing this is kind of difficult for a number of reasons. Firstly, I'm really uncomfortable actually starting a thread, it feels almost, uh, narcissistic. Illogical, because other people's threads don't seem narcissistic or self-involved to me. I guess I'm just unused to it. I've kept a diary for years, and it used to provide me a comfort, a way to feel like I still existed despite spending most of my time disappearing, intentionally or otherwise. I guess now I just need a bigger fix. It's like getting my feelings out, but in a more public way. I'm hoping this will help me become a bit more sociable.

Hi, I'm Amp. I'm 26 and I have mental health problems. Since this is a forum for Social Phobia, I'll focus on that.

I've always been awkward around people. Even as a kid I couldn't really interact properly with people, I found it really hard to make simple requests, and I found it difficult to be sociable. As I've gotten older it's progressed to the stage where I barely leave the house. I don't like going out, I have panic attacks, and being around other people generally unnerves me. Strangely, going to a doctor's appointment or something like that isn't so bad for me.. the waiting room is tough, but the actual appointment goes fine. It's the social thing.

I'm in my final year of University. I know that seems like everything is easy, and I can't have a problem, but that isn't really the case. I do the vast majority of my work at home. In my first year, I attended the absolute minimum of classes, and last year, I attended even less than that. I never went to a lecture, as they don't take attendance, and I went to around six classes out of four twenty-four week modules. Though I get concessions because of mental health issues, it's really important for me to attend this year as the end of last year was really hard for me, completing a bunch of assignments with absolutely no direction. So that's my biggest challenge from here on.

I don't know how to interact in seminars. I haven't really talked so far, and I think if I do open my mouth now it'll just be weird as everyone assumes I'm mute, I think. I'm scared of having another panic attack.. I'm scared of making some strange noise or something in the middle of a lesson.. I'm scared of falling over... I've tried my absolute best to make myself invisible so that people don't really notice me, but it's hard to do as I'm overweight. Moreover, deep down, I don't really want to be invisible, I'd love to talk to people, but I can't see any of them wanting to talk to me.

The other big problem I have is re-thinking social exchanges.. I can't let things go. Sometimes, when I do speak, I say awkward things which I feel absolute shame for later that I can't shake. I revisit them over and over in my head, I analyse every word said by every participant of the conversation, and I get a sinking feeling of.. shame? despair? I don't know. It's awful. It even happens with Facebook.. I spend ages plucking up the courage to comment on someone's post, or message them about something, and then I feel awful about it after, especially when they don't reply.. I assume they're just wanting to delete me but don't have the heart.

Well, due to the prolixity of this post I should probably end this here. I'm sorry that I type so much, I think it's probably because I spend so much time not saying anything, it all spills out sometimes. If you've read this far, congratulations, have a lollipop.

 

[Razzlecherry]

The Beatles- A Day in the Life - YouTube

 

[user deleted]

I've had a mixed few days.

Tuesday, and today, I managed to talk to a few people. I got some great feedback from my tutor. I was really happy, but at the moment I'm struggling a bit with how I feel.

This is a really long story. It's more for me to just get out than to put out for anyone to read I think.

I've always had problems with anxiety, and issues with social interaction. I've been more and more reclusive over the past few years. One of the things that has contributed to my current situation, however, is that up until June I'd been harassed, and for want of a better word, stalked, for just over a year. It all started out as a friendship over two years ago that I made with someone online, (who, for the sake of anonymity I'll henceforth refer to as A) which progressed to meeting. Things went a little wrong from there on I guess.

I don't think what we had could ever be considered a relationship, there definitely lacked the boundaries and activities one would expect in a relationship. That being said, we had a close bond with one another. A and I had a lot in common, including a difficulty with social interaction etc.

A little way into our friendship, A started to become very demanding of me. The first time I remember was after New Year's Eve, I'd been to a friend's house to have a few drinks. As it ran into the early hours, I hadn't really checked my phone. When I got home, I had a string of texts and messages demanding to know where I was, with very strange almost-threats like "We'll see.." "As if you think you haven't crossed me.. I deal with that now". The next day when I spoke to A I remember he was full of apologies.

I probably should have realised then.. but I was so lonely it almost didn't matter. From there A was increasingly demanding of my time, and increasingly paranoid about my activities. Even though we had both agreed that we were not in a relationship, A obsessed over me meeting someone and leaving him. I explained even if I did find a relationship (which I wasn't even looking for) that we'd still be friends. A eventually began to check up on me, firstly finding online contacts and the online profiles of people I knew in real life that he could question about me. He mentioned to them that he was concerned about me because he said I was indulging in self-injurious behaviour (I wasn't). He also told them that we were in a relationship. I confronted him, and he broke down, threatened suicide and I didn't know what to do. I e-mailed his mother and told her, and I explained to him that we needed to have a break for a while. A wouldn't accept this. He started e-mailing me abusive/guilt-tripping messages at first, so I changed my e-mail address, because he was calling and texting me almost constantly, I changed my number. He then began calling my mother's house and telling me if I didn't speak to him that he'd just show up. I didn't really think anything of it, but he did. Not to my front door, but to my university. As we'd talked nearly every day he'd been aware of my schedule and had just waited for me outside one of my classes. I couldn't believe it. I should explain that he lives a fair drive from me.. it isn't around the corner by any means, and it takes some forethought to drive down to where I am. I managed to calm him down, and we sat and talked for a long while. He promised to leave me alone, but asked me to just e-mail or text him every day, just to let him know I was okay because he was 'worried about me'. He went back home and we talked for a couple of weeks before things started to get bad again. He oscillated between hatred and spite, calling me all the names under the sun assuming that I was in a relationship and wasn't telling him, and then begging me not to let him be alone. Eventually I broke and told him if he didn't leave me alone, I'd consider involving the police, as some of the things he was saying really worried me, and I also couldn't cope with the guilt left by the suicide threats. I e-mailed his mother again.

Soon after, he sent out a video to people that I knew from one particular website. He also sent it to two of the people I know in real life. The video was of a woman performing sex acts on him, but it was fairly dark and you could only see the back of her head. Because she had similar hair to me (long and dark) he said it was me in the video. I think to this day some of my friends believe him. We'd never even had a sexual relationship, I was really hurt and sent him a string of abusive e-mails about it which probably wasn't the best thing to do. I told him I thought he suffered from borderline personality disorder and NPD, and I told him a lot of things I'd noticed about him which I knew would push his buttons.

He didn't respond for a while, which was a little worrying. I just assumed that what I said had made him realise he needed psychiatric care. I did worry that perhaps I'd caused him to hurt himself, but at the same time I was terrified of starting up that line of communication again, so I hoped for the best.

I got a wreath sent to my doorstep, and then I started getting weird gifts. Never with a card, but I of course knew it was him. When I say weird, some of them were 'normal' gifts, such as fairy tale book I'd always loved (which he knew), and some of them were frightening. I got a rape alarm and a sort of mace spray (It isn't exactly mace, as mace is illegal here.. it's sort of a red spray that you spray in someone's face but doesn't cause permanent damage.. just marks them.. but it does the same thing as mace.. i.e. it's intended to ward off sex attackers or muggers). By this point, I was paranoid basically all of the time. I couldn't go anywhere without worrying I'd see him, I wouldn't go anywhere alone. I know I definitely saw him a few times, but then I know that I probably hallucinated more than once due to the stress I was under. My sister told me he'd turned up at her house asking for me, telling her that I'd threatened suicide and that she needed to find me a.s.a.p. She told him to leave, and from there she's helped me get through everything. I felt like I had lost my mind, I went back into therapy. I had a kind of breakdown I suppose. I figured that because of harassment laws being so awkward I wouldn't have grounds for the police to do anything. However, some of the threats he made were apparently enough to be considered breaching harassment laws, the fact he sent me things that were intended to cause distress also worked in my favour. Since the involvement of the police, and subsequent action, he has left me alone for the most part.

Despite the fact I know logically he won't follow me anymore, I'm constantly still worried that he'll show up in places. I also worry about anything I put out online in case he's reading or following it. I worry that he can read my messages and what I'm doing (I found out he'd managed to gain access to my e-mails - still not quite sure how).

Today, after I walked out of class I was sure that I saw him. I started shaking and burst into tears. It was horrible, as I had nowhere to go, people everywhere, it took me ages to find a safe place. Unfortunately this exacerbates my SP, because now everyone in my class must think I'm a complete weirdo, after all the progress I've made lately I just feel back to square one. It's ****. I try so hard to make myself invisible, and yet now I've just created a big neon flashing sign that says 'look at me'. I hate it. I feel like I don't want to go back there.

This post is difficult to write, I'm a pretty reticent person, and part of the reason I wanted to have a blog-type-thing like this is to teach myself to talk about my emotions. I know people go through a lot of different things, and this honestly isn't a 'poor me.. pity me..' post, I just felt like I had to get out everything I've been feeling today.

 

[Nathália]

That's so evil of that person to do that to you. You are strong Amp, you are, it's painful to read your story. I don't know what to say to you, the moment were I wish I really knew. I'm so sorry you had to run across a jerk like that.

 

[user deleted]

That's so evil of that person to do that to you. You are strong Amp, you are, it's painful to read your story. I don't know what to say to you, the moment were I wish I really knew. I'm so sorry you had to run across a jerk like that.

Thank you for your kind words. I really don't want to be all self-pitying, some days it just seems unavoidable

 

[Nathália]

Thank you for your kind words. I really don't want to be all self-pitying, some days it just seems unavoidable

I know. Sometimes you just really have to cater to your emotions, like you said it can be unavoidable. If you feel pain, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you trying to express that.

 

[user deleted]

This week has been really trying. I've been obsessing over stupid things.

I've been thinking a lot about gender politics. I guess lately I've been seeing everything through a somewhat Butlerian lens. I'm becoming more and more focused on the idea that there is no such thing as 'natural' gender. Of course we are biologically sexed, and biologically there are differences (by biological, I'm including everything physical and mental) but gender itself to me is just a performative social construct. When we're born, we don't have any preconceptions of the world, but slowly and slowly we're shaped more and more into delineate entities. As children, depending on whether we were male or female we were given things like toy cars, or dolls. Even as children we were infused with ideology that pushes into traditionally 'masculine' occupations, or groomed into being nurturers. At the heart of it, though.. it's all fake. None of these gender constraints are real. Most of us (including me) just accept and perform our gender roles.

Now, here's what's bothering me. I'm obviously performing my role, just like anyone else. I wear make-up, I dress in a typically feminine manner, and carry in some ways a particularly feminine demeanour. There's no argument that I'm participating in the reinforcing of gender roles. I don't want to act differently, or dress differently, or look differently, but I feel like such a hypocrite..

In the past, when I've spoken to guys sometimes I get the distinct impression they're agreeing with me/laughing at my jokes simply because I have a vagina. Now, this is by no means all men, or even a majority, but in my experience, men like this definitely exist. I feel like I've been cut more slack simply because I'm female.. I've even gone out of my way to make dumb assertions just to see how they're received.. I've joined places and put my gender as male instead of female (yes, I'm a jerk, and a weirdo.. no need to tell me), said the exact same things I've said as I have as female, and received entirely different responses. Not just from men, either, I've received opposing attitudes from women, too (flattering vs bitchy).

I don't think any of this has anything to do with me being desirable or special in any way, I see it with other people too all the time. It just bothers me. On one hand I like to be 'feminine' and on the other hand I don't want gender to exist at all. I try to combat being 'feminine' by doing my utmost to completely de-sexualise myself, I go out of my way to avoid sexualised topics or doing anything that makes me seem like a sexual entity. The problem with this is it mostly just makes people call me 'uptight' or people find me unapproachable. I just wish I conversations were more genderless, maybe that's why I like online. Then again, I obviously do want to be identified as 'female' so how can I really expect anyone to ignore that.

This rant is going nowhere. I just needed to spill this somewhere as it's been bothering me. Ugh. I'm an idiot. And a hypocrite.

 

[HappySquidward]

Sometimes gender roles, double standards, and "false" equality, can get my thoughts all rallied up. I geuss it's just one of society's failures.

 

[Foxface]

I will read this later, don't have the energy right now. But I will read ti later, I promise.

 

[MikeyC]

I just read your post about A, your stalker. What a loser! I'm so sorry. ::

 

[user deleted]

Sometimes gender roles, double standards, and "false" equality, can get my thoughts all rallied up. I geuss it's just one of society's failures.

Sometimes it bothers me more than others. This was just one of those days I guess. Sorry about the semi-coherent ranting.

I just read your post about A, your stalker. What a loser! I'm so sorry. ::

Thanks for reading. I think at least I've learned something from it though. All experience is positive in some way, or something like that.

 

[MikeyC]

Thanks for reading. I think at least I've learned something from it though. All experience is positive in some way, or something like that.

Yeah, hopefully anything positive comes out of that because that is seriously messed up.

 

[user deleted]

So, I'm trying to pick apart the barriers I face with socialising. Ignoring the meeting people, initiating conversation etc, I'm thinking about the way I conduct myself when I do converse.

The first problem is that I've been told that I give off some kind of aura of intellectual elitism. By that, I don't mean that I am an intellectual, but people seem to believe I think I am, and that I think I'm better than others. I've also been told that I come across as thinking that I know everything etc. I've been hailed as a 'wannallectual' by someone I went out drinking with once.

The thing is.. I really don't consider myself an intellectual. I'm not putting myself down, I don't think I'm totally stupid, but I'm definitely not a part of the intellectual elite. I don't generally consider when talking to people whether I'm more or less intelligent than them. I actually really hate that anyone has this impression of me, because I'm really not like that at all. I don't feel superior to anyone, and I don't make value judgements of people like that. I know that there's the whole 'who cares what people think' thing, but the reality is I do care, as it affects my ability to forge and maintain decent friendships.

I got to thinking today, why is it I come across like that. I thought about it a lot, and I came up with the following conclusions. I spend such a vast amount of time living internally, that when I do speak to people I tend to 'gush'.

At times, I have the propensity to embark on prolix rants about whatever topic comes up. I throw out a bunch of completely extraneous information which I think not only bores people, but comes across as obnoxious, like I think I know it all. I have so much to say on some topics that it's like a flood and I feel unable to meter my output. Part of that is also nervousness, however, I talk a lot because I can't bear gaps, and I often say things I later regret. I really lack impulse control in situations like that. It's odd, because it completely contrasts my regular demeanour, which is almost mute.

I also feel like I withdraw a lot after an initial interaction with someone for fear of boring them. I might speak to them once or twice, but then I obsess over the fact I've bored them so I give up talking to them.

I really feel like I need to work on not just 'gushing' a bunch of information at people. Additionally, I feel I need to engage myself in other interests to diversify the conversations I do have.

I also need to try and not come across as so cold and clinical, as I'm sure I do at times. Somebody once commented that I have all the interpersonal warmth of a prostate exam. The thing is, I concentrate so much on ritualistic behaviours and other weird internal processes that I just forget my body language etc completely. I come across as rude and unapproachable.

It's so frustrating, because inside, I feel the complete opposite.

Typing that out really helped.

 

[21NZ]

I have all the interpersonal warmth of a prostate exam.

omfg what a horrible thing for someone to say! Amp i kinda think you are intellectual or at least so good with words you appear that way... some people probably find that intimidating. i know it's hard but try to kept claim and listen more than talk? idk.. people love to talk about themselves & it should technically be easier to interact that way with less regretful moments. have you read "how to win friends and influence people" that's quite a good book.

I feel I need to engage myself in other interests to diversify the conversations I do have.

wouldn't that cause you to 'gush' a bunch more of information at people? couldn't you just ask them questions and act like you interested?

Anyway i don't really have any good advice, all i know is over thinking causes more problems then it could ever solve..

 

[coyote]

.....Typing that out really helped.

i have had alot of trouble with same issues throughout my life.

one thing that has helped me is to learn to let things go and not become overly invested in the conversation or my own opinion, and to not take myself too seriously

maybe age has helped - i no longer feel it necessary to share all the thoughts i've already shared before with other people

but there are still often times that i encounter new topics or ideas that i become passionate about and want to express my thoughts on, and... well, i tend to gush

and so i still get the same responses from others that you mentioned - even on this forum - when i feel exactly the opposite inside

sometimes it's not about you at all - it's about what the other person thinks of themselves. you're just the trigger for their feelings so they blame you for making them feel that way.

 

[user deleted]

Thanks for replying.

wouldn't that cause you to 'gush' a bunch more of information at people? couldn't you just ask them questions and act like you interested?

Anyway i don't really have any good advice, all i know is over thinking causes more problems then it could ever solve..

Maybe it would, I'm not sure. I just feel like the things I'm interested in are boring. I do actually spend most of my time listening to people, what I mean by diversifying my interests is just that I find it really hard to have things to say in response when we're supposed to be having a conversation. Maybe if I shared different interests I'd be able to talk easier.

one thing that has helped me is to learn to let things go and not become overly invested in the conversation or my own opinion, and to not take myself too seriously

maybe age has helped - i no longer feel it necessary to share all the thoughts i've already shared before with other people

but there are still often times that i encounter new topics or ideas that i become passionate about and want to express my thoughts on, and... well, i tend to gush

and so i still get the same responses from others that you mentioned - even on this forum - when i feel exactly the opposite inside

sometimes it's not about you at all - it's about what the other person thinks of themselves. you're just the trigger for their feelings so they blame you for making them feel that way.

It makes sense that maybe I shouldn't invest so much in conversation. I've noticed I do have a tendency to do that, which obviously then leads to over-analysing everything at a later date. Maybe not doing so might help, if not I guess there's always duct tape. It's helpful to know that you manage a lot better with things now.

It actually helps a lot to know that other people experience similar things. Not in a schadenfreude kind of way, but you know.

 

[coyote]

the worst part is when you pull the duct tape off your schadenfreude