Hi. This is strange. A user called "peelme" (on YouTube) told me that I was being discussed here, so I signed up. I'll take a look around these Forums now - I didn't consider that a forum like this existed.
So anyway.
I just got addicted to YouTube. The idea of vlogging fascinated me and I wanted to join in and make online friends. The first video I put on YouTube was the one where I couldn't talk yet. It was completely honest: I was trying to raise my voice and talk to the webcam, but just couldn't talk, even though I was alone in the house. It was the same feeling as being afraid to use the phone. I felt so stupid. Instead of quitting the whole idea, I thought, "Hey, I could still make a video... just make it about that."
I think the result is a bit emotionally manipulative. The music, editing, tone, etc. I felt I was being honest, but when it gets put together like that it's a bit "cute". It's also the video I'm least happy with because it fits my pattern of trying to get sympathy from everyone. I'm trying to get away from that and have a good personality now, so I don't want to go on about my problems much.
I bided my time by uploading a video of my cat; but I still had this nagging urge to make proper videos of myself talking. I don't really know where the urge came from... just a newfound excitement about putting myself out there socially. Not quite the real world, but more real than just typing text.
I bought a bottle of vodka, which is rare for me because I hardly ever drink. I waited until my parents went out on Friday night, because I don't feel comfortable talking out loud if they're in the house (parental issues make up most of my therapy discussion). Then I drank half the bottle and made a bunch of videos! Most of it was unusable because I was too slurry (partly the drink, partly being bad at speaking), but I made enough material to post a couple of videos.
Then the next time my parents went out I drank the other half of the bottle, and made some more. Then the next time I didn't have to drink - I'd proved to myself that I could use my voice out loud without feeling too stupid. It still doesn't come natural, but once I start talking I'm not too bad.
So... um... do I have social phobia? I don't really know what term I would be diagnosed with best. I'm afraid to use the phone, travel on my own, walk into unfamiliar buildings, go to loud places like clubs and loud pubs, etc. I get physical feelings of anxiety, but I admit I probably wouldn't have a full-blown panic attack if I tested myself. But I just don't test myself! I've given up on life. Depression, or general negtivity, is probably what keeps me most trapped now. And the situation of not having any friends and therefore not having the means to go out anywhere. So I don't know which board on these forums I'm most suited to, but there you go - that's me.
A little more about me, since I'm introducing myself here: I'm in group psychotherapy once a week. I did a year of CBT, but it didn't work - or rather, I didn't want it to work I guess. I've never used anti-depressants because I don't want to complicate the issue with chemicals. I've never had a full-time job, and I'm on quite a lot of benefit... which I feel guilty about, and I'd quite like to be off the benefit by next year. I can walk around the shops of my own town and stuff, but haven't tested myself for years with anything bigger.
I guess making these videos proves that I'm doing better than I thought. That's a good thing. A few people have said I speak just fine. So this has helped me to assess where I am right now on the path to becoming "normal". If I can keep it up, and believe the compliments I'm getting, then... damn... I might have to get a life.
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