A 19-year-old APD guy.

[Jazzz]

Me.

It took about 2 minutes of reading the APD entry on Wikipedia to see that this is what has been torturing me my whole life. I matched up 100% with every symptom they listed, including dependency on a substance (marijuana).

Right now I'm 19, going to a community college, stay home all the time, stay high all day. I avoid people, I avoid their phone calls, and I'm insecure to a point of insanity. I have had beautiful girls who call my phone, including last night (new years eve), and I could probably hook up with any of them if I actually tried, but I can't. I'm too afraid.

I'd like to get more physically fit and I've had people try and pressure me to sign up at the local gym here, but the thought of working out around people is ludicrous to me. I could never do it.

I long for a relationship, but I'm so shy and insecure it doesn't even seem like a possibility. The thing is, though, you would never know this if I wasn't telling you. I put on such a mask around people that until they get to know me, they think I'm some social butterfly. I can speak with feigned and convincing confidence, as well as crack a few jokes, but it is all very forced. When I'm posed with a question that I didn't have a preconceived thought-out answer for, I stutter sometimes, as well as say things that come out all wrong and I end up being embarrassed about it for months, sometimes years. Sometimes I think about a time when I unintentionally said something that was taken as rude or stupid, and it still hurts so bad just thinking about it, as if it just happened. I obsess over things like this.

When I was young I played baseball and I didn't have problems like this. I was too shy to go to school dances back when I was about 10, but I could still go to the post-season baseball team party and be around all my teammates. Now the idea of even that is ridiculous. By the time I got to high school I knew there was no way I'd ever consider joining the high school baseball team. It got worse and worse as I was hoping it would get better. I thought I'd bloom in high school; the opposite happened. I was well known in high school. In fact, if I had actually spent time with all the people I met in school that liked me, maybe I'd have been one of the most popular guys there. But I couldn't. I never went to a party and always turned down meeting up with other people. There were times when I hung out with a friend or two of mine but that was it.

I've had a couple of people talk to me about my problem over the years, but they were "normal" I guess you could say, and they just couldn't understand. Maybe I could get some help here.

 

[Generical]

Yo welcome, its a good thing you found out what your suffering from as its a lot easier to overcome when you know what it is. There are quite a few options you can go with to overcome it, there are many psychological techniques, self help advice.............books etc. going to a doc to talk about stuff and possibly meds to help, anyways ther're just a few, have a good look around the forum as their are many tactics people use. A good thing to start off with is trying to build up your confidence and try to shrug off your insecurities, the thing is this is all in your head and although your symptoms are strong its always possible to overcome em and try and view stuff from a different perspective. So yeah hope you find some useful stuff, besta luck.

 

[Sirius]

What's up Jazzz?

After searching through this forum I felt the need to reply to your post. I am a 20 year old male going to community college who also just discovered APD and realized I have most if not all of these symptoms.

I can definitely relate to your experiences and a lot of other peoples' experiences on this forum. I too put on a mask for people just as a way to appear "normal" and avoid any sort of confrontation or rejection. I am worthless at social situations as people talk about all these random pointless things and expect me to comment on them. I usually just shell out a "that's cool" or "I know what you mean" and frantically pick my brain for some sort of "meaningful" response for them. Relationships, although I long for them like you, appear to be unachievable because of my low self-confidence, low self-esteem and insecurities. And I can tell you that I'm not even a bad looking guy, but that really has nothing to do with what's on the inside. I usually just push girls away that have an interest in me and then I'm disappointed in myself afterwards. After repeated occurences of embarrassment, rejection, and then obessing over it afterwards this mask has turned into for the most part an impenetrable wall that blocks people from knowing who I really am. It is a viscious cycle that has caused me much depression, anxiety, and contemplation of suicide.

I can tell you now that I have achieved some sort of peace attributed to logical thinking, awareness of myself and current emotions/state of mind, and always trying to improve on the understanding of myself. I have recognized what I like and pursued those things, realizing that that's ok to do. Before I had needed some sort of approval, because if I wasn't doing what everyone else or my family viewed as ok then doing those things caused much anxiety. Little things that have helped me are meditation, deep-breathing and definitely music. Also always trying to gain a different perspective on life and the world in general, realizing that you are one person among billions, which is not something of debilitation but motivation. It should give you some peace in being who you are and realizing that you as an individual in your only time on earth have a right to be you. However, this is not to say that I have rid myself of these symptoms, but rather that I have learned some way of coping with them. Any day can be a battle. And I must add that one solution is not right for everyone.

Hopefully this isn't too much of a ramble. I just wanted to let you know that we have similar experiences and are of similar ages, so if you ever wanted to talk I'd be more than happy to.

 

[dystortion_d]

wow, ditto ditto and ditto. i'm 18 and going to community college because it's good on my wallet and i am too undecided/depressed to do otherwise. yeah there are great books out there, plus try studying other people like you/or you were like you. they didn't become outgoing in one day, they learned how to talk to people, trust me it becomes second nature, you sound like me, just super depressed. once your happy, talking to people is pretty damn easy.

 

[Jonesey]

Jazzz, We have a lot in common. I'm 19, in college, and up until a few months ago, I smoked copious amounts of marijuana and wanted to go to the gym, but thought it would be weird working out around people. One thing I would recommend is to stop smoking so much marijuana, or at least don't do it around other people. For me, it seems that when i'm high and around other people, it just seems to bring out my AvPD more. Don't get me wrong, I think marijuana is an amazing substance that can lead to unprecedented insight and creativity, but it doesn't seem to help in the social scheme of things. Also, about going to the gym, I also felt that it would be really weird to work out around other people, I guess I thought everyone would look at me and wonder why I was there (I'm rather skinny). But, after gathering the courage to go, I found that the gym is actually very conducive to AvPD sufferers, because everybody there is kind of in their own little world. Also, after going to the gym, you really feel like you've done something that normal people do, and it actually feels good (unlike some of the other bullshit normal people do).

 

[SilentType]

I'm twenty and I have been past trying to go to college for about two years now. I first went to college at 17 and struggled with just getting myself to go to class so much that I always just quit the battle to soon, except for the one semester that I spent at a community college (3.75 GPA that semester woot!). I attended a year and a half at other universities and just couldn't fit in wherever I went... I would be a senior in college next year at 21 if this anxiety bullshit hadn't came along and ruined my life. Instead, I'm stuck in my house most of the day. The only time I get out really is when I smoke weed, haha, so marijuana actually has been socially stimulating for me. When I smoke I tend to "get out of my shell" a little easier than if I was sober, and I can go on long talks that just lead in circles sometimes.

Just my experience...

Peace

 

[Tab]

After reading your post I looked at the article on Wikipedia and it related to the way I fell a lot. I'm 19 too and go to university and avoid people as much as I can. I don't let people get close to me either and I push them away. I don't talk to anyone about this and this site is the only place I've ever told anyone about it. Just thought I'd respond so you'd know your not alone, along with the others who have responded.

 

[LUMINOUS]

thought there would be a forum like this, but I never thought about checking it out, though.

i am 19 years of age, and will be 2 in oct, we are all in the same stages of life but I still can guarantee that some of our lives will still be drastically different from each other despite having similar traits.

for quite some time (longer than I can actually remember) before I was an alcoholic and marijauana user, things were still the same. I've been avoiding people all my life, i think that is what stresses me out a lot.

 

[scorpion]

The grearest problem about APD is that "normal" peopel dont get it. They just think we dont want to change, They just say that we can do it but just dont try hard enough of want it realy bad. Its so not true.
The thing that makes mo soffer more is to realize thats the way my friends think. If they only could know that its the other way around, I realy want stuff, normal stuff, normal people do all day whitout having to suffer about it for months, but i just cant, wend the moment of truth arrives, the brain starts to beep the red light and every defence mechanism comes to stop me persuing whath i wanted.
Only someone that knows that feeling of frustation can understand a APD sufferer, and from the people i relate, I dont know anyone but me.
sometimes its like AGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR :evil: :evil: :evil:

 

[Sirius]

I feel your pain scorpion. I definitely have those "argh" moments and very frequently too. For instance, Im hanging out with someone and we have the potential for a great relationship. I see this potential and I want this connection but looking at the sheer scope of everything makes my head spin and sends me into a state of social debilitation. Frustration is a very appropriate word that you used. There are countless examples of this and Im sure you have them too. We all have the same pain and that makes me feel comfort. Comfort that Im sincerely grateful for. My main philosophy since Ive started to try to better myself has been honesty. Honesty to myself and everyone around me. At least if Im honest to myself and others I feel ok about being rejected in any kind of situation because I know it wasn't because I was trying to be something Im not. I was just being me. That's a good feeling. I love be able to speak truthfully and openly in this environment and feel safe. It is very therapeutic. Thanks everyone.

 

[stellar]

hey, everything you just explained i can relate to alot. My biggest problem is ignoring ppl ect. p/calls/friends/possible dates....I think its stupid how ppl do things sometimes. cant explain it.

 

[bsammy]

jazzz-ugh you remind me so much of myself when in high school and right out.i was great at baseball growing up, sports in general.but avpd kicked in full time when i hit high school and my parents made me sign up for baseball..i made it eaasily thru tryouts but i couldnt handle the presuure so i quit around game 3.no one understood why..i could have helped the football team too but too scared to sign up..same way with girls, i missed out on so many life experiences with buddies and girls.these girls were hot and wanting to go with me but i turned them away..hated going to class and giving speeches, i basically almost dreaded everything.back then though i had no idea whay avpd was, i didnt have the internet(im 35 now) back then to find out what was crippling me..i thought i was losing my mind back then..

thankfully alcohol helped me loosen up and have a few good times with friends but after the alcohol wore off, back to the same old me..btw, no one can figure me out either as i put on a very good social 'mask'..but if people get to know me they realize there isnt much to me at all..i really dont have much advice to you other than seek professional help and maybe get on some medication that can help..you do NOT want to waste any more time because thats what i did and im haunted by it.