14 years since first making SPW account


Well-known member
Hello, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here. Honestly forgot about the website to be honest. Remembered it for some reason, thought I’d see if it’s still around. Guess it is.

I wanted to share a bit and maybe give some people hope that there can be change, it just may not happen as soon as you’d like. But it can happen if you really work at it.

When I made an account here, I was 24. I didn’t have a drivers license cause I would get to anxious taking the driving test and driving made me nervous cause I felt everyone was judging me. I had barely gotten my first job only because my uncle knew the manager. Applying for jobs made me sick to my stomach if I turned applications in in person. I hated interviews. I had zero friends. I hated buying food at the grocery store or walking across the street in front of all the cars I felt were looking and judging me. I hated myself, I hated life, I was so lonely and felt no one could understand my struggle so talked about it to know one. I just wanted to die.

Today, I’m a completely different person. Not saying I don’t still struggle in some areas. But compared to where I was when I made this account, it’s night and day and anyone who knows me aside from my family, will tell you I’ve changed so much in the last 15 years, 10 years, even 5 years.

What changed? I know this is what everyone wants to hear cause I was there my self looking for answers on these very boards and elsewhere. I wanted an easy fix. Everything people suggested felt like an impossible mountain to climb so I was doomed to dwell in my loneliness and self loathing forever.

Unfortunately, there is no easy fix or simple answer. But don’t let that get you down. I hope you will find the following encouraging. One thing that always stuck with me was a post from these very boards. There was a 60 something year old man posting about how he struggled with social anxiety and was alone all his life. He wished he could go back in time and just try to do things different cause he said he would of been past all of the anxiety stepping out would have caused and he may have been a different person by now.

I always pretended in my head that 60 year old something man on was here me in the future but I got the chance to go back in the past and the chance to do things over.

Even so it felt so it still felt so hopeless. Many days were spent crying myself to sleep, dreaming of taking my own life but the thought of that man in my head. I said to myself that would be no life so I either have to change or just kill myself cause to live life like that would be pointless.

My first real step was trying to find a local therapist. The first one I found I just emailed and came in for an appointment. I was so anxious. I broke down crying to this stranger never met and I left after 45 minutes feeling like the biggest loser ever. So I went to another one for a bit. And another. They never helped much but it became so routine that it did become much easier to talk about my problems. Each one I’d have to start over and after a couple months I found it was just a waste of time and find a new one and maybe they could help.

While it seemed fruitless, maybe now looking back not so much. At work there was a guy who didn’t talk to me like I was retarded or weird. He was everything I wanted to be. He was confident, lots of friends, a family, hard worker. We weren’t friends but he would talk to me when I was working in the warehouse every so often. It would hurt me inside so much cause I was like why couldn’t I be like this guy. And he’s talk to me like I was anyone else and I wish so much to have friends like him.

Well my birthday was coming up and I always got the worst around my birthday cause just another year wasted in my eyes. I told myself therapists are not working and if I can’t change I need to end it. I thought about opening up to this guy… I didn’t know what he could do but I didn’t know what else to try. I was like, the worst that happens is I’ll just feel like an idiot, what else is new? In 10 years, he won’t remember this interaction anyway. On the positive side, having an obi wan to my Luke to help guide me a little could be a positive change and change the trajectory of my life.

I dunno what I was thinking but we were talking in the water house and I asked as he was walking away, “hey, can you help me?” This started for me which was one of the most awkward, nerve wracking conversation I ever had. He’s like sure what’s up bud? And I guess all the times going to a therapist made it easier to just get to the point and just said I struggle with social anxiety and depression and I want to be like you. That was the gist of it. He was super encouraging about and was like maybe we can go to lunch one day and have a beer.

My emotions were a rollercoaster after that. I felt like the biggest idiot and just wanted to shoot myself. Then there was a rush that he wanted to go have lunch and that I had opened up about it to someone I wasn’t paying to talk to.

Long story short, even that convo didn’t fix everything. But the seeds it planted changed my life forever. There was so many more lows and I even did just about kill myself a year or two later. Knot slipped out and I fell to the floor and regained consciousness. And I’m glad it did. I’d miss out on so many of the blessings I have today.

That man I talked to that day, today is my best friend. We talk just about every day, even if it’s just checking in. And I have many friends today. I even lead a bi weekly class at church to help those struggling with addiction, anxiety, depression etc.

I’ve gone camping with friends, gone to other states, even to another country. Not only learned to drive but also motorcycles, dirt bikes and quads…. Which came with a couple broken bones 🤣All after I had turned 30. I have a great job with great co workers.

I rarely feel anxious doing much anything anymore. Except asking girls out lol. It was a long hard walk to get here but what got me here? I never gave up trying. I felt like the biggest loser after trying something that made me feel super stupid. And I’d hate myself for it. But a month later, it barely bothered me so why not keep trying? You have nothing to lose but everything to gain from a couple minutes of awkwardness.

I wish I could reach out and give everyone out there reading this and hurting a hug and you could just speak your heart out and I’d just listen. There is no easy fix but there is hope and you can do it. If I can, anyone can.

14 years may seem like forever to younger ones here reading this. But in the span of life, it really goes by quick and I’m glad I took the risks I did trying to overcome anxiety. Pretend wherever you’re at right now, you’ve already lived your life and it was a life of loneliness and misery, but you where given a chance to go back to now and take risks that in 10 years, regardless of the outcome, no one else is going to really remember much but it could change your life in the long run.

You have nothing to lose but everything to gain. Don’t give up. I hope this was encouraging to someone.


Well-known member
Hi sketchy24, I'm very happy for you! I don't know what's wrong with me but I'd definitely get more help for myself as I see fit. Now, with the pandemic, I'm not so sure what there is to offer. If I go counselling again then I need something that's covered, that I don't have to pay or only pay $5 and there's a place like that over here where you can pay any amount, even $1 to see counselling or 5 cents (lol) but you'd just have to be a bit or quite embarassed to do that (I know I am!) I don't know how to undo the repression I've done to myself when I was so sensitive before and hurt (well, not that sensitive) and I think I didn't have very good nutrition growing up for the developing brain so I also have a chemical deficiency imbalance but now I'm thinking vitamin k2-d3 is helping me and Omega fish oil with my difficulty with eye contact, the fat it has in there and how it works for the brain and eyes. I'm glad the things you did worked for you so well. Thanks for sharing :)