So tired of the ruins

How can I go on? How can I go on normally? Hardly an hour passes that I don't think of something I have said or did in the past that doesn't make me cringe in shame and embarrassment. I always make the biggest fool out of myself during the few times I do get out and about. I would rather just hide myself away either behind closed doors or out in the deep country(hiking/kayaking) then to be around people. The internet makes it easier to comunicate with others but I easily make a fool out of myself on here as well and will regret for weeks or more. Sometimes when I do have to go to grocery or department stores I always make sure the trips are short and with a loved one who understands.

Which brings me to a question I have in mind... how do I tell friends about S.A.D.? I only have 4 or 5 close friends, not counting the very few family members, that know and understand how I feel. The others just don't get it. They don't understand when I tell them I would rather not. They say, 'but these people are cool. You'll like them.' And I'm sure they are but they don't understand that that's not the point. I'm sure they are good people but it's ME! I can't get through their heads, I can't get them to understand about this disorder I have. It's ruining my life.

I haven't worked in five years. Thanks to the few family and friends I barely get by. I know I am a burden to them and would love to change that. Man, would I ever love to change that... but how?
Is there an herb I can take? I don't really have money to go to a doctor to get prescribed anything. Occasionally I'll have a few beers and that makes me feel better, for the moment and then when I wake up and think about some of the things I may have done or said I find a dark spot, close my eyes tight and regret.. regret... regret.
I stutter. I stammer. I take deep breaths and concentrate to keep from going over the edge while I'm out in public. I live a life hidden. I live on Facebook. Kids are very important to me. I feel most comfortable around them. But I want a life! I want my son to look up to me like the way he looks up to his Grandfather(my Dad) who raises him.
I know that I'll do more stupid stuff that I'll regret because I always do.

Maybe speak to your doctor and see if he/she can arrange for you to talk to someone? Maybe expressing your feelings to someone might be a start?

But regards to telling your friends, I'm in a similiar situation. I've got 3 close friends but luckily with them, I don't suffer the SA symptoms much because I am a tad comfortable with them although sometimes it comes up when something that isn't expected to happen startles me and I panic a tad.

Don't regret the things you said please. Don't chew the cud. Things that happened. You can't turn it around anymore. So don't hang in that moment. Since this moment is the moment you can make the difference.

About your feelings according to S.A.D, yes. Tell your friends. How? Just be honest, how you feel. Open up to people about your feelings because they will support you if they are real friends!

How to cure? Remind yourself that it won't be different only in one day. You have to do stuff to make what you want it to be. S.A.D sometimes feels like you need a magic spell to change it. But if you stay positive, you be around loved ones, you do stuff that you want in 2013. I bet your SA will be less.

The way you feel in public, you might want to learn yourself to be more calm. To feel safe when people look at you. I know the eyes are drills for us, but you are worth to look at.

Believe.... Do what you want... (then your happiness boosts..).. Don't get angry when you miss something (I have that problem also) But look at how to take action to make it different.. Or accept it (I'd rather change it all haha)

Good luck , i hope i helped

I told one of my friends about SAD through email and she was understanding. Just be honest about it. If people react negatively to it, that's their problem. Find someone who is willing to empathize and understand you.

I haven't held a steady job in my life and I'm trying to change that. With a new year comes new beginnings, so leave the past behind and start over with a clean slate.

I really appreciate all these responses and very thankful for the advice. I understand that it is day to day and that I will try to work on. I hope that one day i can live at least a semi-normal life.

Id get a job. Not working is killing your self esteem. If you can drink a beer then you can work a job. It would be a big step in the right direction. Who cares how you look to others. Go to work, do your job, and go home. This will give you a foundation from which to branch out.

I understand and know that not having a job is killing my self esteem but the part about if I can drink a beer then I can work a job is beyond my understanding (and perhaps your?). I can drink a beer in the comforts of my hiding spot. Believe me, I'd love to be 'normal'. Just out of curiosity, satstrn, are you on this forum just to try to pick of women? Just wondering...