My story..Avpd and social phobia

I want to start off my saying this site is a Godsend. It makes me feel better to know Im not alone with this.
I stumbled upon AvPd when I was trying to get a handle on what I thought was weird symptoms..I thought maybe I was the only one. I already knew I had Social Phobia and am on medication, Celexa, by the way it worked good for me at first, but then I start getting used to it and have to up the dosage, if I go up anymore I'll be on the highest dosage, then I'll get used to that and my psychiatrist will probably change my med.
But anyway, the hesitant speech is what made me realize I have Avpd. I couldnt figure out why when I did talk to people, it was like I was straining..or I would say a few words and feel pooped out..like I couldnt have a free flowing conversation. I was so caught up monitering myself and others that I couldnt just "talk". There are times I suddenly feel like "Im walking on eggshells around people" I stop and wonder why i do this? I tell myself to just relax but it doesn't work. I walk around timid for no reason, I think before I speak and sometimes I end up not saying anything because I thought about it too much that after a while if I talk it will sound forced and people will notice. I sometimes feel avoidant around people for no reason at all..even family members, in my mind I'll think, uh oh I have to walk past them, or I want to keep my door closed..like Im hiding from people. The worst thing is, is when I think people notice Im avoiding them..I think they end up avoiding me or feeling weird in my presence..if someone seems like their not paying attention to me, like a family memeber or people at work I'll think its all my fault..I pushed them away, their sensing my weird vibe. I'm just tired of feeling bad about myself and then guilty if I made others feel that way or they sense it. Its a bad cycle.
 

eski

Member
yep i feel exactly the same way... sometimes when someone is talking to me i can't think of something to say in return end up saying something stupid or obvious. I feel very uncomfortable when talking to new people and can't seem to act natural.... its as though having a conversation becomes more of a chore than its supposed to be.

I also feel wierd like im giving a bad vibe to people as i walk past them eg, ppl at work that I don't really know...
 

Felicidad

Well-known member
Have you ever tried some kind of relaxation exercises? It can help a lot. I say because I also have taken different meds and I´m sure the meds only do 40 or 50% againts anxiety.
If you want you can take a look at : Jacobson´s progressive relaxation. This is the one I practice.
 
Have you ever tried some kind of relaxation exercises? It can help a lot. I say because I also have taken different meds and I´m sure the meds only do 40 or 50% againts anxiety.
If you want you can take a look at : Jacobson´s progressive relaxation. This is the one I practice.

No I havent tried any relaxation exercises. I looked up Jacobsons progressive relaxation, it sounds interesting..
 
..if someone seems like their not paying attention to me, like a family memeber or people at work I'll think its all my fault..I pushed them away, their sensing my weird vibe. I'm just tired of feeling bad about myself and then guilty if I made others feel that way or they sense it. Its a bad cycle.

I think you brought up a key point here; this pattern of feeling rejection, followed by guilt for calling attention to it. Or I'd guess that's the sort of sentiment that you were getting at, in so many words...

So, I've never actually been diagnosed with anything (mostly by choice; I never had much faith in seeking help, plus... well we'll get to that), but there've always been things about me that were more than just a little bit "off"; basically, everything you might see in a textbook definition of AvPD.

Anyway, I've had a number of small episodes, or "tantrums" or what have you, involving my family throughout my upbringing. All of them were deeply rooted in the fact that I felt alone and sick in the head through my whole childhood and my parents never bothered to notice or investigate (they're good people, but as far as I'm concerned, it was their responsibility as parents to, you know... pick up on the fact that I was a schizotypal hermit by the time I reached the eighth grade). My most recent episode, taking place just before Christmas '08, was severe and "illuminating" enough that my parents actually sat down and confronted me the next day, saying that they "must have done something wrong in their parenting" (a totally unprecedented confession for them) and that they'd be willing to get family therapy if I wanted.

Long story shortened, I got giggly and lightheaded, then red in the face and incredibly embarassed, and "Whatshisface" and his parents never did end up getting that family therapy. I just spent so long feeling invisible that suddenly, to have my issues addressed like that, I didn't know how to react, and I felt weird, guilty even, for... for mattering, basically.

That looks a lot more sad than it was in my head, written out like that. =/ Eeps.


Edit:
Oh, but right, my point! I think that sort of trait is probably pretty unique to AvPD, and part of what makes it so "sticky" and self-perpetuating; it's especially hard to get help because of this sort of loop of seeking something, then feeling guilty or self-conscious about it.
 
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WhatsHisFace...
Oh, but right, my point! I think that sort of trait is probably pretty unique to AvPD, and part of what makes it so "sticky" and self-perpetuating; it's especially hard to get help because of this sort of loop of seeking something, then feeling guilty or self-conscious about it.[/QUOTE]


Yes your abosolutly right, I feel guilty and weird if someone actually shows compassion or inquires about my social phobia, Im terrified of being a burden in any way. But yet I want people to show compassion.
That would explain why you reacted the way you did too..you felt weird when they actually addressed it. Well maybe its stepping out of your comfort zone, because without realizing maybe we get comfortable with the fact that know body knows we have this problem..and when someone does realize it "weve been found out" its no longer a deep dark secret.
I don't know..but I think we have to get over our initial feelings of discomfort, maybe it would pass. It did for me somewhat when I told my mom and her husband that I have this problem...but they were compassionate at first..which I felt weird for a bit..but then after a while my mom discounted the fact that people should take medicine for "normal feelings" if this is "normal" just shoot me now lol.
So I think what I was afraid of..did come to pass...my problems were lessened or considered normal, which I know their not!. Now that I now this..theres not much I can do but realize how ignorant even our own family members can be. Im 29yrs old..so I don't need my parents in the sense of the way I did when I was younger..so I can seperate how they feel about my illness a little bit easier since Im an adult. Their opinon is their opinon etc.
But for you..if they ever bring up getting help again try and go for it! You'll never know until you try, and its "better late then never" that they actually noticed.
 
..but then after a while my mom discounted the fact that people should take medicine for "normal feelings" if this is "normal" just shoot me now lol.

Haha, I know! I hate it when someone's like, "well everyone gets insecure/self-conscious sometimes". One might as well say, "well folks in wheelchairs aren't special. Afterall, everyone feels paralyzed from time to time."

But no, I get what you mean; and I probably should have tried to push for the family therapy thing. But it's like... I go to a new church, being in college and all, and everyone's really smiley and huggy. Like, a lot. To an extent that, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear it was almost hazardous and weird. What if that happened to my family if we went to therapy?! I don't want to hug those people! Plus I think honestly, my parents' marital issues would get in the way of anything else getting addressed.

But I'm not totally uncool with physical contact now. It's strange, but as much as I hated college initially I think I sort of slowly took the time to get over a lot of my own stuff. Not totally, but I guess I'm still making progress; I definitely think there's something to be said for taking it easy on yourself and only just working through stuff when you're really ready for it.
 
What'sHisFace, I understand where your coming from, you were afraid were the family therapy thing may lead too...you dont want to be all huggy kissy, and you didnt want it to be about your parents marriage, either situation would have been awkward. It is good, and a step in the right direction that it was brought up though.
 
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