Memories Are Memories

I was lying in bed last night trying to get to sleep when, as usual, my brain triggered me into remembering a no longer relevant humiliating and self-deprecating event.

Of course, I started to cringe and smack my forehead about this event that must have happened 10 or more years ago, trying to evade the memory and think of something else: "You ****ing idiot. Why would you do that?? Wow, you are so ****ing stupid."

Then I immediately thought, "this trigger literally has no bearing on who I am today."

So what if I did something stupid 10 years ago. Is that me now? No.

I read somewhere that each time we remember something with a lot of emotional substance, it's like reliving that experience. But with this one thought, I managed to separate my current self from the self within the memory, almost as if I was looking at it objectively from a bird's-eye view. I actually forced myself to think about this memory over and over from this vantage point, and it bothered me a great deal less because my current self was removed from it.

I know this sounds like a long-winded description of "the past is the past" but for some reason this pre-sleep experience, to me, gives that platitude meaning.

Funny, when i glanced at the thread title i read it as "Memories Are Enemies" ... but ain't that true!

I find that as time goes on, i not only think of such humiliating/etc events much less, but i also don't feel or relive the humiliation/cringe/etc less.

I'm glad you shared that with us, I think this is a key element to overcome SA, low self esteem etc., since shame can be one of the main things that keep us from getting to a better place. I try to do the same with recent events that would either generate shame or anger, and seriously this is very liberating. I usually allow myself no more than an hour of complete despair just to make sure I've learned what has to be learned from the mistake or the event, and after that I separate myself from the feeling and I go on with my life.

theslowesthand said:

Funny, when i glanced at the thread title i read it as "Memories Are Enemies" ... but ain't that true!

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Haha yup. They can certainly be your enemies if you let them.

theslowesthand said:

I find that as time goes on, i not only think of such humiliating/etc events much less, but i also don't feel or relive the humiliation/cringe/etc less.

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I wholeheartedly concur. My older cringe events are replaced by new ones, ad infinitum. :bigsmile:

In all seriousness though, I know exactly what you mean.

Pacific_Loner said:

I'm glad you shared that with us, I think this is a key element to overcome SA, low self esteem etc., since shame can be one of the main things that keep us from getting to a better place.

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I am engulfed by shame most of the time. I have very little confidence in myself. I'm constantly working on it though.

Pacific_Loner said:

I usually allow myself no more than an hour of complete despair just to make sure I've learned what has to be learned from the mistake or the event, and after that I separate myself from the feeling and I go on with my life.

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Yes, I think it's important to note the difference between ignoring bad memories completely or ruminating on them, and critically thinking about them for a short period of time. With ignoring you remain ignorant to patterns and change that can make you better. Blissful ignorance, so they say. With rumination you put yourself in a counter-productive state of self-doubt and regret. But if you try to fish out the lesson in your previous fumble for a short period of time, you'll possibly come out with a better understanding of yourself and others. It's worth a shot.

I seem to have this problem very badly. Every single day at some point I think about some of the stupid things I said or did from many years ago. It's been bothering me a lot, of late. Objectively I would seem to be a mostly worthless person these days, and tend to think those stupid moments only back up the idea that I am legitimately dumb, and defective.

I wish I could mention some of these moments right here and now, try to "exorcise" the demons, so to speak. But then I'd be embarrassed.

Bronson99 said:

I wish I could mention some of these moments right here and now, try to "exorcise" the demons, so to speak. But then I'd be embarrassed.

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I really doubt any one of us would judge you. We all, especially as SA sufferers, go through these embarrassing moments.

Memories are powerful they involved the limbic system. I have revisited places and the memories of how bad I was feeling kick me in the guts, they are overpowering. All of my memories even the good ones are tainted by the fear and uncertainty of this ugly anxiety that never leaves not even in my sleep.