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Old 5 Days Ago

I'm 29 and I've been struggling with depression for about 10 years now. I had a form of social phobia before that and nearly cut my wrists when I was 15, as a consequence of bullying at school.
I have very strong anxiety attacks, where my whole body goes numb inside out, one of my cheekbones can get numb for DAYS, and eye twitches (sometimes it's just one of my eyes, sometimes it's both) are constant. I feel anxiety flowing through my body all the time. I do feel my heart beat loud. I rarely cry, but put me in a room without TV or devices (where I can watch videos) and I'll drown in tears. I might never stop.

I went to therapy for years, but haven't been to a single session for a while due to money issues. I do a lot of volunteer work (which is getting harder to do now because I'm going through a crisis), but I don't get paid. I don't have a job. I also exercise. I do pilates and walk. I've never taken medicine and am completely against it. I know it's a "tool" to avoid suicide, but it can also trigger it, so I'm not touching that, especially when I'm suicidal. I'm against medicine and so is my family (my family more than me). They would never allow me, and we live in the same house. I don't have money; my sister is the one who pays the bills. So... it's a no-no. I do drink tea though. It helps me sleep, not that I ever get much sleep. I have severe insomnia.

I'm so stressed out that I can't stop bitching about how my dad ate my bread. That's so futile. That's the thing, I usually take it out on food. Most of the times I cry, it's about food. Except it isn't food, but I only seem to be able to vent via food. I keep it all in. Even when I'm venting and telling people about how I feel, I never really open up. I say one thing, they'll reply another, and I'll close the case. But I'm still hurting. I still feel like I'm dying and this never-ending thunderstorm inside me won't ever end.

I have a complicated relationship with food. I eat my feelings a lot, but at the same time, I have anorexia symptoms on and off. My food issues had been under control for a while now, but now that I'm going this anxiety explosion like never before (that's exactly what it feels like... like it'll burst inside of me, if that makes sense... I just want to scream all the time), I've been eating a lot. All day long. Eat, eat, eat. More than ever. And I can't stoooop. Even if I'm in pain or crazy dizzy because I had too much to eat. I'm never satisfied. I'm never full. I'm hungry for something I can't name and I'm gonna get so fat. :(

I have deep flesh wounds all over my hands and wrists. It started out as allergies caused by the weather, but I kept scratching and scratching it... Whenever it starts getting better, I scratch it hard... I don't want it to get better, I need to release. I see it in living flesh and I keep scratching it. I literally SHAKE from the need of scratching my wrists, and it doesn't stop until there's blood. If I didn't have allergies, I probably would've cut my wrists with a razor blade by now.
I'm out of control. I don't know what to do.

And recent news that one of my favorite actors might be a rapist have made it 10 times worse. His TV Show was like a little castle I liked to hide in. It was my escape... my safe haven. My safest place to hide, definitely. And that castle came crashing down.

And it's brought back all these feelings from something that happened when I was 14, when a guy I liked kept touching my breast on the school bus (yep, in front of everyone), even though I'd tell him to stop. And the next day I heard a conversation he had we a friend of his about it... asking what my breasts felt like... (...) I have so many conflicting emotions about that moment and it completely wrecked me.

Because of that experience, the death of someone I used to know who was raped and quartered, and an episode where a man I thought was a friend of mine pretty much tried to force a kiss on me and was a complete drunk *******, I can't think of the word sex without my stomach turning... basically. What happened when I was 14 had already been enough for me to cut sex out of my life forever though.

I'm sorry if my grammar sucks or it's all very confusing, I'm just writing it all down as it comes to me, otherwise I'll never let it out.

I need to feel safe, loved, and accept. I need to feel SAFE. But everything is tarnished. There's evil in every little thing. I can't find a place where no evil can enter. Even my inner world is a place of evil, isn't it? Look at what I do with myself, eating like a pig and self-harming. I don't have anyone to talk to. Please show me the light. :~
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Old 4 Days Ago
vj288's Avatar
Elite User

Breathe. You've probably heard that before, but really, literally and figuratively, it's the best place to start. For me, it slows everything down and helps me try to put things back into perspective.

As someone who has self-harmed, among other things, I want to say I don't think it makes you an evil or bad person. One thing that I've heard said before is that it's a control thing, that there are things we can't control or change or fix, so we do something within our control that feels like it fits. I never had a good answer for why I hurt myself, but I know there were things at the time that disgusted myself about who I was and felt I couldn't change, so maybe that was part of it for me.

I wish I could be more helpful, I struggle with many of the things you do myself and am still searching for a sustainable light. I hope you find yours soon.
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Old 2 Days Ago
zharl's Avatar
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Just made my way over from the "Can't find my post," Saying that out loud sounds weird. Post post. But I digress, I'm really sorry that things are going so terribly for you. I really am. While I personally believe in a hybrid approach to depression that uses both medicinal treatments and counseling, I respect your feelings about medication; we all need to approach this in our own way (Not only that, but medications aren't necessarily cheap).

I'm not sure if you're asking for advice or if you simply are looking for a way to express these feelings, but I would like to direct you to this thread if you are having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-harm.

I haven't checked up on all the resources recently, but I believe that I included links to online counseling/suicide hotlines. Furthermore, if I remember correctly there are resources there that are available free of charge. That being said, it has been roughly a year since I've gone through these links, so it may not be perfect.

I hope things improve for you! Also, if you're ever around when I am, feel free to reach out! If I'm available, I'm happy to listen and always ready to make new friends!
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