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Old 04-24-2017
FallingWind's Avatar
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I have been isolated for probably around 11 years now.

I have had friends before but only 1, 2 or 3 and only for a short time. They found better friends to be around with. I don't blame them though..

At first I thought it was only just pure shyness and that it will disappear over time. but it did not..

So I thought there must really be something wrong with me.

Being isolated, i have not been able to catch up with people's social norms and learn things only to my own. I dont know people and don't understand how they think.

My social skills have also impaired. Or rather, maybe because my mind is always empty. Absent minded. Numb. I only care about myself.

Right now I am having trouble writing this, expressing myself into words.

I wonder why some of you people here can write long sentences and paragraphs when your also isolated yourself.

Probably because you have someone to talk to at home like your family. Maybe that's why..

We dont talk a lot here at home. My mother is always busy with paperworks. And when we do talk, she talks to us like were still babies. My mother loves us and all and she's not very strict, but she doesn't give us the initiative to do things. and I guess this is the reason why turned out to be so dependent and passive (but unlike before, I'm more independent now but still very passive). My father, I don't know.. I feel like he doesn't like talking to us (w/ my sister). Maybe because he's disappointed of us being ungrateful, or just slacking around the house just waiting for them to spoon feed us..

I have always been hesitant to share myself to others. I feel like they'll disagree with me as how my mother does. My mind is always negative. So negative you don't want to hear anything about it.

Right now I'm trying to change.
I'm making myself more positive by trying to block the negatives away.
Trying to interact with people even though it hurts thinking what's going on in their mind.
Trying to understand people. Trying to care about others than thy self
Trying to make productive things rather than slack around.
Sharing myself to my mother even though she'll disagree. Accepting her decisions that I used to hate before and still hate now.
Trying to improve myself for short..

But doing this, I also feel like I have gained something negative.
For example, I have never cheated in school before. NEVER. I get to feel guilty even with one glance on others paper. Now, almost cheating is fine.
Now, i have felt how unfair life is. Why those who's hurt me are so blessed.
Before, I get very sad and depressed when I'm misjudged. Now, I still feel sad but at the same time irritated. I never even knew what irritation feels like before.
Before, when someone receives a great price, good for them. Now, I think what they have done to deserve it.

Thinking about this, I thought that the older me was much sweeter. I think that, that part of the the older me was good. So im trying to ratain that part of me.

I have also realized that I'm insecure and envy. and must be the reason why I'm sensitive.

Other pretty girls out there are so pleasing and modest, very open and not shy. Has many friends. Many admirers. Many likes. Adults love them. Beautiful outside and inside.. While me.. Beautiful? outside only.. What's the use of the outside when your inside is empty.

When pretty girls are around, I get quiet, awkward and feel like mud.

That was before. There is still the insecurity now but not as envy. I have somehow accepted myself and am happy for them.

From the book of John : "because thou hast seen Me, thou hast believed. Blessed are they that have not seen and yet have believed"

reading this i have made myself a conclusion that, bless are those that have experienced pain and yet remained kind sweet.

Others do it, why can't I?...or?.... Others do it, I still won't do it.
I won't throw trashes anywhere cause others do it as well.
I won't cheat because others others do it as well.
I won't judge because others has judged me painfully.

But that doesn't mean because you do it, you are bad or evil. You are not and the Lord still loves you, you just won't receive the Lord's blessing. Its still not good you know. So don't feel down and hate yourself for the Lord our God is a God of Love and Mercy.

I believe that the Lord blesses us and answers our prayers in silence. Meaning, if we are blind, we will not see what He has done for us.

~I'm infatuated by you~
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Old 04-24-2017
Graeme1988's Avatar
Hie ye hence from me heath!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FallingWind View Post
I have been isolated for probably around 11 years now.

I have had friends before but only 1, 2 or 3 and only for a short time. They found better friends to be around with. I don't blame them though..

At first I thought it was only just pure shyness and that it will disappear over time. but it did not..

So I thought there must really be something wrong with me.

Being isolated, i have not been able to catch up with people's social norms and learn things only to my own. I dont know people and don't understand how they think.

My social skills have also impaired. Or rather, maybe because my mind is always empty. Absent minded. Numb. I only care about myself.

Right now I am having trouble writing this, expressing myself into words.
I can definitely relate as fair as the impaired social skills, isolation and absent mindedness goes. And expressing oneself in words. I've never been great when it comes to that

Quote:
Originally Posted by FallingWind View Post
I wonder why some of you people here can write long sentences and paragraphs when your also isolated yourself.

Probably because you have someone to talk to at home like your family. Maybe that's why..
Well I don't have family to talk to. Even though they try to encourage me to open up. they always telling to stop complaining whenever I did try and open up to them. Or just use my opening up as another piece of gossip, an excuse to talk about me behind my back.

Though, the only reason I tend to be able to write in long sentences and paragraphs is because, unlike in my real-life, no-one is cutting me of mid-sentence or berating me for feeling how I do. Because it's quite frustrating when you trying to articulate how yer feeling, and someone stops your thought mid-flow to accuse of being a liar.
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Old 04-24-2017
Miserum's Avatar
Intermediate User
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post

Though, the only reason I tend to be able to write in long sentences and paragraphs is because, unlike in my real-life, no-one is cutting me of mid-sentence or berating me for feeling how I do. Because it's quite frustrating when you trying to articulate how yer feeling, and someone stops your thought mid-flow to accuse of being a liar.
**** people interrupting. I just continue talking if people interrupt me, maybe raise my voice a little. It's hard sometimes because I feel rude if I don't let them interrupt me. But I'm not the one being rude, they are. Silly. If I'm a little drunk then I'll probably flat out say, "Can you stop interrupting me?"
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Old 04-24-2017
Miserum's Avatar
Intermediate User
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by FallingWind View Post
Right now I'm trying to change.
I'm making myself more positive by trying to block the negatives away.
Trying to interact with people even though it hurts thinking what's going on in their mind.
Trying to understand people. Trying to care about others than thy self
Trying to make productive things rather than slack around.
Sharing myself to my mother even though she'll disagree. Accepting her decisions that I used to hate before and still hate now.
Trying to improve myself for short..
This is very good. Keep doing it. I am in the same boat. I think the only way to overcome SA is to constantly expose yourself to experiences like this. Read this thread if you haven't:

https://socialphobiaworld.com/six-re...over-it-11127/

Quote:
Originally Posted by FallingWind View Post

But doing this, I also feel like I have gained something negative.
For example, I have never cheated in school before. NEVER. I get to feel guilty even with one glance on others paper. Now, almost cheating is fine.
Now, i have felt how unfair life is. Why those who's hurt me are so blessed.
Before, I get very sad and depressed when I'm misjudged. Now, I still feel sad but at the same time irritated. I never even knew what irritation feels like before.
Before, when someone receives a great price, good for them. Now, I think what they have done to deserve it.

Thinking about this, I thought that the older me was much sweeter. I think that, that part of the the older me was good. So im trying to ratain that part of me.
The older you was sweeter because she was more innocent. When we grow into adults we become jaded because we realize how shitty the world can be and lose that childhood innocence. By exposing yourself to new experiences, like interacting with people, you are starting to see the truth. I think it's normal to feel this way and is just a part of growing up.
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Old 04-25-2017
Graeme1988's Avatar
Hie ye hence from me heath!
Elite User
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miserum View Post
**** people interrupting. I just continue talking if people interrupt me, maybe raise my voice a little. It's hard sometimes because I feel rude if I don't let them interrupt me. But I'm not the one being rude, they are. Silly. If I'm a little drunk then I'll probably flat out say, "Can you stop interrupting me?"
I know what you mean. But it's kinda difficult to be that way with yer own family. At least mine, anyway.
Since my family tend to storm off and go in the huff if I go: "Could ye stop interrupting me, please? I don't do it to you". To them that's me being assertive and they can't stand me when I'm like that. They also hate when I talk back to them as well. Yet they'll speak to me in patronising tone from time to time, usually in front of other relatives.

Also, raising my voice or getting mad are really "out of character" for me.
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Old 04-25-2017
Miserum's Avatar
Intermediate User
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Since my family tend to storm off and go in the huff if I go: "Could ye stop interrupting me, please? I don't do it to you". To them that's me being assertive and they can't stand me when I'm like that. They also hate when I talk back to them as well.
I wonder if you do it enough, that they'll get used to it and accept it? Of course, that's just a suggestion. I have no personal experience with your family, obviously.
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Old 04-26-2017
Graeme1988's Avatar
Hie ye hence from me heath!
Elite User
 

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Originally Posted by Miserum View Post
I wonder if you do it enough, that they'll get used to it and accept it? Of course, that's just a suggestion. I have no personal experience with your family, obviously.
Possibly? But what would I know, I rarely talk to them, since I'm always fearing that an overreaction is coming my way for asking a simple question.
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