I can't take this anymore

Lately, I've been really depressed about my future (what future?)


You see, i'm stuck with a narcissistic stepmum and a dad that listens to her constantly.

And then real life isn't going well for me. I've always been asked to get off from my job, getting snubbed in school with only a small pool (like 5-10 mates) of students and have zero social life.

I've had a terrible past in school and seriously, i'm not rich nor extremely intelligent that I could actually progress better in school and like in most fantasies or happy endings, my endings are never similar nor I am that person who is the most successful amongst his/her peers.

In fact, it's the opposite. The high school bullies that have money or connections, gets the most out of life, while I suffer terribly with lack of social aspects. People keep telling me empty things like 'you are what you want to be' blah blah..look at those successful ppl...seriously, it makes me feel worse than I ever had.

Recently, I've been considering suicide or trying ways to go on disability. I honestly do not see myself as mainstream successful because I don't think I want such a hectic life, fighting here and there...for nothing. I mean nothing as in...I don't really want it anyways.

I kept replaying the fact that my future would consist of odd jobs and the likes. I am in school but with a certificate that no one cares. I am not very good at studies and yet I act like 'nerd'.

I've never been in a relationship before because people are shallow. But it's ok, that's minor...I don't care for it. Since I have no intention of giving birth to another useless person in the world.

I feel like sh*t and i'm forever in life crisis. Have been soooo tempted to get high off some meds. I feel so terrible each coming day....

If anything, keep going and see what opportunities arise. Seriously, you can never predict the future. You've got plenty of years ahead of you, what if you get fortunate and things change later on? Is it not worth sticking around and seeing how things go?

yeh i'm in the same situation as you. alot of my grievances are in a way moulded by my current environment which is the people i live with aka (my parents) who are really condescending and controlling to everyone, not just me. so i feel paranoid at home because they are like the holier then thou headmasters. literally every action is analysed negatively with a fine tooth comb. when i try to study im not relaxed enough to take information in because i'm trembling with fear that one (meaningless) wrong move like leaving the milk out accidentally will lead to being thrown out, its been threatened and put into practice before.

when i moved out to rent for two years i lost my job and returned to study but i had to somehow earn enough to pay the rest of the six month lease and that was terrifying. yeh it was enjoyable having freedom but the stress of money is a massive problem.

now the other day i was watching an episode of Red Dwarf season III.
Rimmer meets his alter ego or himself had he taken just one opportunity in his teenage years that would turn him into a completely different person, it was only one decision and the other Rimmer was instead the uber confident fearless success. The upside to this is that a situation like that could happen anytime at any age, its just an opportunity and they will always come around if you put yourself out there more.

i've had opportunities to take career paths early on but instead i chose to hesitate for a couple of years which i believe hasn't helped whatsoever. i know its up to me to change things but right now in this gloomy economic climate and me juggling part time work with full time study and then coming home and feeling paranoid isn't healthy. in fact my body is telling me all the time that this is wrong. its physically and mentally demanding all week long. its pressure, pressure, pressure to perform all the time. if i moved out right now it wouldnt be possible because the part time job doesnt earn enough for a rental property. so what then? it feels like a trap.

i then watch my friend around his family and him and his parents, siblings are so friendly and like best friends, there is no hierarchy of ego with the parents, they are understanding and completely supportive, he is always relaxed and i just wonder about conditioning and its effect on people and their lives. sure as individual we have to take responsibility for our decisions and actions. but i do believe that environment and the people we around can play a role in our moods and our ability to communicate with others thus affecting our ability to get on in the world ...

when i was in high school i was bullied alot too which lowered by self esteem to almost nothing, i spent alot of time hiding and running after that.

hmmm that wasn't a helpful post, sorry about that apple, i was trying to show some empathy there. the only advice is to keep trying, find strategies that help you deal with these situations. learn to manipulate the little voice inside your head that tells you its not possible.

its incredible how a problem that in reality is really small can affect our mood and then ruin the rest of the day. for me i find that alot of the time other peoples opinions can bring me down without me even realising it.

i was talking to my teacher the other day, he is a wizard at the subject he teaches but it turns out for a long time he struggled with it and felt lost. so its only that he's since practiced and practiced that to most people he seems like a wizard of his craft. the key is to not let an undesirable result stop you in your tracks.

Problems will arise tomorrow, but so will opportunity and a means to deal with those problems. Don't get so far ahead of yourself, and try not to worry about being popular or impressing other people.

Don't ever worry about portraying yourself as cooler than you really are.

Also, be careful not to label people. When you say things like "people are shallow" you're using a kind of misanthropic defense to judge them. It's coming from a perceived position of superiority, and no one is superior. Although it helps in the now, this is actually a self-harming strategy in the long run, because when you label others, you're also immediately subconsciously labeling and limiting yourself.

Good luck, I know where you're coming from. It's not fun having to deal with all this stuff, especially when it's on top of all the other indignities that life drops on you at any given moment.

Hey, apple

I don't post much on here (usually just browse to try and make myself feel better), but I thought I'd reply here 'cause I'm going through some of the same things. I've got it into my head that I'll never be able to accomplish what I want to in life and that I will just go on to disappoint myself/my family as well. I just don't feel like I'm good enough for anything and I doubt I'll be able to pass my course. I've been depressed for quite a while now, but for the past month or so, it's gotten really bad. I've thought almost constantly about ending it and how nice it would be to just go to sleep forever.

You could try talking to a school counsellor or your GP as they might be able to offer you some therapy or maybe some medication that might help.

Wish I could be of more help to you. I guess you can take some comfort in knowing you're not the only one going through this.

Thanks for replying. Any post is post that is good for me.

I never wanted to be like those loser leads in the movies, where they succeed and triumph everything in the end. It is all a fairy tale and totally impossible for me.

I have a taste of real life and it's nothing like the superficial life I had during high school. One thing i'm glad is that i'm outta high school but the hurt still follows me whenever I go I can never shake off the nightmare that is high school.

I don't even know why school is good anyways. I've been constantly put down and I know the teachers are tempted to ask me to stop going because they thought I am not useful in work anyways and they kept passing remarks like 'you will get sack if...blah blah". Mine is a small commercial school so money talks, there's no school counsellor or whatever. I can even hear it, "it's real life" *rolls eyes*

I don't even know why school is good? It makes me even more depressed and my personality and character ends up nowhere, and I went into reclusive status right after I graduated from high school. To add salt to injury, I didn't even graduate with a decent certificate.

Now, i'm struggling because I couldn't stand going through high school 2 in reality. It distorts my perception thoroughly and seriously, I don't even want to go school but if I don't, I will be condemn to odd jobs....what to do what to do???

People in reality is going to look me up and down like i'm the worse shit in the world but they don't know how scarred I am right now. The whole time, including now, people thought I couldn't read or write and even treated me as an idiot. (especially when I work in retail and the time I work at an office job introduced by an online friend)

Why bother spending so much just to get humiliated anyways?

Apple Strudel said:

I never wanted to be like those loser leads in the movies, where they succeed and triumph everything in the end. It is all a fairy tale and totally impossible for me.

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A rough start makes for a good finish, and a happy ending is very possible for you, but not a guarantee. You are in a very tough situation and you should be commended for hanging in there because everything around you is really nasty and you find yourself on the short end of everything right now.

One thing you might try is talking to the school counselor, as sometimes they can be of great help. One thing that I can assure you is that you do have useful talents/abilities, even though you don't believe that right now. You are young and have plenty of time to develop and discover them and many people don't discover their true talent until later on in life, so don't sweat that so much.

Right now, the number one thing for you to attend to is to your personal care. By personal care, I mainly mean emotional wellness. How can you do that? First, by talking to someone to vent the emotional pressure you are feeling, and these forums are a great place to start, so keep up the good work! Next, try to find some hobbies that are of interest to you and that you enjoy doing. They might have to be solitary hobbies at this point (reading or writing), or if your parents agree to it, maybe you could join some clubs at school or at another school or in the community, if people at school are too nasty to you. This is a good start and continue to ask for questions/guidance as needed!

You see, i'm stuck with a narcissistic stepmum and a dad that listens to her constantly.

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You're comparing your parents to what you conceive as normal parents.

And then real life isn't going well for me. I've always been asked to get off from my job, getting snubbed in school with only a small pool (like 5-10 mates) of students and have zero social life.

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Here you compare your friends and social life to other people.

I've had a terrible past in school and seriously, i'm not rich nor extremely intelligent that I could actually progress better in school and like in most fantasies or happy endings, my endings are never similar nor I am that person who is the most successful amongst his/her peers.

Click to expand...

Here you compare your intelligence/wealth to other people.

In fact, it's the opposite. The high school bullies that have money or connections, gets the most out of life, while I suffer terribly with lack of social aspects. People keep telling me empty things like 'you are what you want to be' blah blah..look at those successful ppl...seriously, it makes me feel worse than I ever had.

Click to expand...

An example of comparing yourself with your past bullies.

Recently, I've been considering suicide or trying ways to go on disability. I honestly do not see myself as mainstream successful because I don't think I want such a hectic life, fighting here and there...for nothing. I mean nothing as in...I don't really want it anyways.

Click to expand...

Here you compare yourself to the public perception of mainstream success.

I kept replaying the fact that my future would consist of odd jobs and the likes. I am in school but with a certificate that no one cares. I am not very good at studies and yet I act like 'nerd'.

Click to expand...

Comparing your job status and intelligence to others.

I never wanted to be like those loser leads in the movies, where they succeed and triumph everything in the end. It is all a fairy tale and totally impossible for me.

Click to expand...

Another comparison to movie characters.

Why bother spending so much just to get humiliated anyways

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To put it shortly, you're humiliating yourself by making these almost endless comparisons to other people. And yea, I know the public perception is that comparing yourself to others is the only way to get "motivation" to improve but I say bullshit. I flunked out of post-grad and took almost a 2 year leave because all I did was compare myself to others. Ironically, the humiliation I created in myself WAS the reason why I could never study.

You just need to stop the comparisons and start doing what works for YOU. Everyone has different conditions that they have to meet to perform at their optimum level (i.e. people study things differently, people exercise differently, people take their leisure time differently, etc). That's the very essence of our forever evolving human race. Everyone is just slightly more different than the other. Just because you're working at retail, and did poorly in college does NOT mean that you are doomed to stay that way (perhaps the "normal" route of success isn't YOUR route). You just haven't discovered what works for you yet. And the sooner you stop comparing yourself to others, the sooner you can find what works.