I Cannot Look People in the Eye

S

soulwindows

New member
Hi All,

I suffer heavily from a condition/affliction where I cannot look people in the eye. I’m not sure how or why it started for me, but I do know that is started around 9 years ago. Prior to this I had practically no issues with confidence. In fact others would tell me that they were jealous of the self-assurance and belief that I had in myself. I guess this is the hardest part for me – 1) knowing that my social interaction skills and confidence have fallen from such a great height, and 2) I still remember what it was like to be the person that I used to be. If truth be known, I want that person back.

Now? Well now, social interaction is uncomfortable, and at best awkward.

When I do look people in the eye I get a rush of anxiety and feel panic, especially when our eyes meet. I become hot and sweat, and then worry that this affliction is manifesting itself in my facial expressions - I’m sure it does from the reaction I see in the other person. It takes so much energy and thought to deal with all of this (not that I do deal with it) that the interaction with the other person becomes second to the coping with the emotions that I am feeling.

This happens with everybody – the person working at the supermarket checkout, colleagues, friends, and worst of all, my family and girlfriend.

My family. Why, oh why can I not look these people in the eye when I have known them all my life?

So I look away. 90% of the time I will fixate on the nose. I know that the other person notices this because pretty much EVERYONE will scratch or wipe the underside of their nose. The other 10% of the time I will fixate on something else: a mole, a wart, etc. Again the other person will notice this but I’m not doing it to be rude, its just that my eyes are drawing away from their eyes and that is where they have landed. With women I sometimes fixate on the breasts. I’m not doing this for some sort of sexual kick but that is the embarrassing impression it gives. I’ve noticed women covering low-cut tops or buttoning-up.

So what has this done to me? Because I spend so much time being aware of what I am doing I try to keep conversations and interactions as short as possible. At work I’m not taking in all the vital information I should do and it is affecting my outputs. I hate doing this to friends and family, and meeting new people is a disaster.

In short, I lose a bit of my personality. I haven’t turned into a complete recluse, e.g. I will go to the cinema or to a sports game with friends, but any social event where there is a little more conversation (e.g. a dinner party) I will either avoid or dread going because I know what will happen.

I’ve tried all sorts of ‘remedies’: fixating on other facial features, imagining it is all in my head, relaxing (yeah, right!), practicing in the mirror, deep breathing, positive thought, but none of it has worked so far. In fact the conditions has slowly worsened.

I don’t hate myself but I don’t like what I have become. I deal with this all the time, and to be honest, I would do anything for just 24 hours of normality.

Can anyone help... please?
 
anxiousguy83

anxiousguy83

Well-known member
Eye contact is absolutely one of the worst thing about my SA, so I really identify with all you're saying. If I focus on looking in other people's eyes I totally miss out on what they are telling me.
I think all this is because of our self confidence or self esteem, that needs to be improved, and eye contact wouldn't be much of a problem.
 
T

Tlachtgha

Well-known member
I find looking people in the eye terribly difficult too.
I understand it's a fundamental part of ordinary communication and interaction between people but, firstly, I feel intensely uncomfortable while doing it and, secondly, I don't really know how it's done (If that makes any sense:)) i.e. how much eye contact to maintain during conversation, how often should I break away and when to re-establish it etc.
 
S

soulwindows

New member
anxiousguy83

Thanks for your reply. I just don't know what to do to rebuild confidence in these situations because I don't know how it was lost in the first place. It just happened suddenly - is your experience the same?

Tiachtgha

I understand your comment entirely. Its like I've lost an ability which I used to do without thinking, so now in order to get it back I'm overthinking what I should be doing (how long to break away, etc).
 
illuminationSP

illuminationSP

1
This has been an issue of mine for the longest time. It's just too uncomfortable for me. Conversation in general, too. Yeah, instead of thinking about what the person is saying, I'm thinking about when to break eye contact, if I'm doing it too often...
 
PhillyFlyersGrl

PhillyFlyersGrl

1
I know how you feel, I have had the same problem from time to time, its something that Im working on and have gotten a little better with.
But when I was younger, same thing..I could talk to people up close, look them in the eye, feel natural..I liked people and they liked me back, had good friends etc..I miss who I was too, all the time. When it does happen I feel like my insides jump when someone catches me looking over..or someone makes eye contact in passing, or when Im in the car I make sure I dont look over at anyone (in the car Ive gotten better)
Part of it is I question what I should do when I make eye contact with someone, should I say hi? wave? its like Im questioning what should be my natural judgement...like I have a fear of being rude. And another part is Im afraid people will see through me...like Im some kind of weirdo..or a monster and they'll see through me and they wont like me.
 
losttroy

losttroy

Well-known member
First tell yourself you are good enough to look someone in their eyes. Because you are!:) Do it on purpose, dammit!! ALT TIP: Find a huge High res image of a person on the net and stare at their eyes til you have memorized their face. That will warm you to the idea, but on an inconsequential dummy!;)

Again, I say, unless you aren't, you are as good as anyone else!! So don't cower in front of anyone.

I used to have this issue til I made it a forced thing for myself to do. Jeez! I'm not a scumbag, so why do I have to hide the light of my eyes to people??

You know what?? Now, others won't look at ME sometimes!! I guess I've become one of my own demons, hey? It's nice sometimes, but I'd rather not have anyone feel bad.::eek:: I hope you'll be allright with this, mate.
 
S

soulwindows

New member
Hi PhillyFlyersGrl

That's certainly what happens to me to. Its something I have to cope with everyday and its stopping me from being the person I want to be. Do you know how/why it started for you?

Hi losttroy

Thank you for your kind advice. I've tried forcing myself to do it but my mind focuses too much on what I'm trying to do and I end up being flustered and panicky. I've also tried on pictures of people or when I watch tv and although this is one step forward, but I seem to take two steps backwards when I apply this to an actual person! Its so frustrating.
 
DarkSeeker

DarkSeeker

Well-known member
I think I've hardly ever look at anyone in the eye until now. I have a feeling that I can't shake, that the real reason my eye vision is so bad is because of my heartless cruel parents. I'm the only one with myopia in the whole freaking family, I can't even think of a single relative with it.

It's not only the eyes, it's also my voice. My voice changes when I talk to people, and I hate it not having control over what I say.

As with anything related to anxiety, I'd say try to make it a game. Pay attention to others. Turn it into a game, look at them and ask yourself, only by the look on their face what are they feeling or thinking about.

Fears of others is so selfish, it's always about what others will think of you, but if you would only put yourself in their shoes and come to understand why they do what they do, then maybe you could stop fearing them.

I can almost feel it, I'm only a few steps from breaking that thick ice coating of anxiety that shrouds my mind.
 
arsenalwa

arsenalwa

Well-known member
DarkSeeker said:
I think I've hardly ever look at anyone in the eye until now. I have a feeling that I can't shake, that the real reason my eye vision is so bad is because of my heartless cruel parents. I'm the only one with myopia in the whole freaking family, I can't even think of a single relative with it.

It's not only the eyes, it's also my voice. My voice changes when I talk to people, and I hate it not having control over what I say.

As with anything related to anxiety, I'd say try to make it a game. Pay attention to others. Turn it into a game, look at them and ask yourself, only by the look on their face what are they feeling or thinking about.

Fears of others is so selfish, it's always about what others will think of you, but if you would only put yourself in their shoes and come to understand why they do what they do, then maybe you could stop fearing them.

I can almost feel it, I'm only a few steps from breaking that thick ice coating of anxiety that shrouds my mind.
Click to expand...

oh wow, I thought this had nothing to do with SA and that I was the only person on this planet with this. Like my voice changes so much it's like when I talk to people I can't find my real normal voice. It's extremely hard to explain.
 
F

ffeev223234

Well-known member
People find that offensive when a person is not staring at another person in the eyes as those people who are offended just believe the person is not paying any attention to them while they are talking to them.

Some people simply look at other things while talking bec they are tired looking at the person
 
M

mads

Well-known member
The reason why "people" find it offensive is that when we dont look others in their eyes, it is because we are trying to find an excape exit out of the situation. That could be a door, another person, anything. When people dont look others in their eyes it is mostly because of that.
 
PhillyFlyersGrl

PhillyFlyersGrl

1
Soulwindows, you asked when it started and why...I think from stuff Ive read Ive made myself paranoid that people can actually feel your vibes..and maybe see through you..if your being phoney (fake smiling, fained interest) or people can read your body language...Ive read so many different things over the years and I sometimes remember something I've read and start to wonder..and suddenly I get paranoid. But thats only a part of it I guess. I think it just comes from really low self esteem mostly..and feeling different then everyone else because Im carrying a lot of stuff from my past. I feel like I got a lot more to lose anymore...I got a better job, Im engaged, before my life was pretty simple...
So therefore Im scared, people will think Im a bad person, and somehow I'll lose everything I now have.
 
L

Liberty

Banned
soulwindows said:
Hi All,

I suffer heavily from a condition/affliction where I cannot look people in the eye. I’m not sure how or why it started for me, but I do know that is started around 9 years ago. Prior to this I had practically no issues with confidence. In fact others would tell me that they were jealous of the self-assurance and belief that I had in myself. I guess this is the hardest part for me – 1) knowing that my social interaction skills and confidence have fallen from such a great height, and 2) I still remember what it was like to be the person that I used to be. If truth be known, I want that person back.

Now? Well now, social interaction is uncomfortable, and at best awkward.

When I do look people in the eye I get a rush of anxiety and feel panic, especially when our eyes meet. I become hot and sweat, and then worry that this affliction is manifesting itself in my facial expressions - I’m sure it does from the reaction I see in the other person. It takes so much energy and thought to deal with all of this (not that I do deal with it) that the interaction with the other person becomes second to the coping with the emotions that I am feeling.

This happens with everybody – the person working at the supermarket checkout, colleagues, friends, and worst of all, my family and girlfriend.

My family. Why, oh why can I not look these people in the eye when I have known them all my life?

So I look away. 90% of the time I will fixate on the nose. I know that the other person notices this because pretty much EVERYONE will scratch or wipe the underside of their nose. The other 10% of the time I will fixate on something else: a mole, a wart, etc. Again the other person will notice this but I’m not doing it to be rude, its just that my eyes are drawing away from their eyes and that is where they have landed. With women I sometimes fixate on the breasts. I’m not doing this for some sort of sexual kick but that is the embarrassing impression it gives. I’ve noticed women covering low-cut tops or buttoning-up.

So what has this done to me? Because I spend so much time being aware of what I am doing I try to keep conversations and interactions as short as possible. At work I’m not taking in all the vital information I should do and it is affecting my outputs. I hate doing this to friends and family, and meeting new people is a disaster.

In short, I lose a bit of my personality. I haven’t turned into a complete recluse, e.g. I will go to the cinema or to a sports game with friends, but any social event where there is a little more conversation (e.g. a dinner party) I will either avoid or dread going because I know what will happen.

I’ve tried all sorts of ‘remedies’: fixating on other facial features, imagining it is all in my head, relaxing (yeah, right!), practicing in the mirror, deep breathing, positive thought, but none of it has worked so far. In fact the conditions has slowly worsened.

I don’t hate myself but I don’t like what I have become. I deal with this all the time, and to be honest, I would do anything for just 24 hours of normality.

Can anyone help... please?
Click to expand...

I can totally relate to this. I just avoid making eye contact all together most of the time. Other people don't understand why I do this or what it means so in 99% of cases they do the same thing and avoid making eye contact with me at all costs. It is strange because when I do make eye contact I notice the other person will not make eye contact with me no matter what and it gives off a very strange vibe. Of course that is the exact vibe I must be giving off ALL the time. Sucks to think about for sure.

The real issue is inside. Eyes are the window to the soul is the saying. If you felt comfortable and confident about yourself and your worth you would not have this problem. Try to tackle it there. It is just normal to make eye contact when interacting with others. It's unavoidable.
 
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