Faking it-No More

[ImNotMyIllness]

When all the planets are aligned, I can fake being normal pretty well i.e outgoing, charming etc. But, my SA will always creep in and ruin it. Then people will be like, "Oh, something is definitely wrong with that guy, he's a freak."
So, from now I'm, I am just going to be upfront with potential employers or girlfriends because the issue will present itself in the most embarrassing way anyway! With employers, even though I'm known to be very helpful and competent, I can be very awkward and weird. With girlfriends, I'm fine with them but when it comes to their families or friends or just people we meet as a couple, my SA comes out in full force. Then those people will tell the girl that I'm I'm strange. And she's like, "huh, he's not strange(awkward), he is very outgoing...what are you talking about!?"

Yup, I have SA. Don't like it, too bad. And no, being more social is not going to help me any.

 

[jaim38]

I agree you should not deny the SA that you have. Being upfront to your friends and girlfriend is a good idea. But not sure if you should do that to your employer though because it could have negative repercussions, depending on what your employer is like.

 

[sullyS25]

I want to know why everyone thinks they have to fake being "normal". Why don't we try being ourselves and accepting who we are.

There is an unspoken assumption of many people on this forum that they must fake being "normal" and I think it needs to be assessed. Those are self-imposed expectations, no one needs to fake being anything they are not. How about accepting the way we are and not resisting it?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I want to know why everyone thinks they have to fake being "normal". Why don't we try being ourselves and accepting who we are.

There is an unspoken assumption of many people on this forum that they must fake being "normal" and I think it needs to be assessed. Those are self-imposed expectations, no one needs to fake being anything they are not. How about accepting the way we are and not resisting it?

The reason we have to fake it is that people discriminate against us. We're treated differently. But, faking it does not help the situation any. By trying to be normal, I think we end up coming across more abnormal. We raise more questions and thus more attention, which accentuates our condition. It's a vicious cycle.

@Jaim38
.......Should I tell this to a potential employer? They're going to realize it later on anyway. Plus, I need to preemptively explain my behavior in the interview.

 

[Lowlight]

I agree you should not deny the SA that you have. Being upfront to your friends and girlfriend is a good idea. But not sure if you should do that to your employer though because it could have negative repercussions, depending on what your employer is like.

I believe that pretty much says it.

When I read this topic I thought back to a very cynical man who talked about getting a job. I believe that he was talking about a corporate gig, but it can relate to a fair amount of workplaces.

Getting A Job - YouTube

 

[sullyS25]

We dont HAVE to fake it. That is your erroneous perception.

I accept that I am shy and I don't get treated differently. You perceive getting treated differently because that is what you expect and your reality plays out that way. Once I accepted the fact that I'm shy and realized I can still be that way and be confident about it, my reality changed. No one is getting discriminated against. You are crippling yourself by assuming that just because you have social anxiety that people will discriminate against you.

How can others accept you when you cant even accept yourself? This isn't a hopeless condition where society is wrong for expecting people to be outgoing. The problem lies in the fact that you believe that is the way things are when it simply is not, it's all in your head. Society doesn't expect people to be outgoing, YOU expect yourself to be outgoing and you project this out into the world making it look like it is the world and not you that has these expectations.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Well, my SA causes me to have eye contact issues. And, believe me, that is a problem! My ex girlfriend told me that her brother in law was very upset with me because I did not give him enough eye contact. Her friends also said that I do weird stuff with my eyes. It makes me look "shifty" sometimes.
So yeah, it's a problem!
P.S I should have clarified why people discriminate. It's not just about being shy.

 

[theslowesthand]

I want to know why everyone thinks they have to fake being "normal". Why don't we try being ourselves and accepting who we are

If only it were that easy...

There is an unspoken assumption of many people on this forum that they must fake being "normal" and I think it needs to be assessed. Those are self-imposed expectations, no one needs to fake being anything they are not. How about accepting the way we are and not resisting it?

Personally i FEAR showing my "true self" (or "true personality"), as it is VERY antisocial. I usually can very barely be f***ed communicating with people, as i don't gain anything from it. Usually i just get bored, anxious, feel inferior, irritated, etc, etc. So i tend to think its better to just "ignore" people as much as possible, don't focus on them, don't give them that power over my attention, thoughts, feelings. Anyway i'm no good at even "faking" being nice, interested, etc nowadays. It's like i've lost the ability to do even that now.

 

[sullyS25]

If you believe it is a problem to have eye contact issues then your reality will play out that way.

I too have eye contact issues but I accept it and if people say that I seem shifty then I will either be confident in the fact that I have issues OR I will accept the fact that they think that and move on. So your ex's brother in law got upset because you didnt give him enough eye contact....what does that say about him and why does it matter anyways? The same goes with what her friends say. Those thing only affect you negatively because you let them. Let me ask you this....What does it say about you that these things happened to you? Why does it affect you negatively that this dude got upset with you and these chicks said you do weird stuff with your eyes? It's a problem because you BELIEVE it is a problem, you PERCEIVE there being a problem.

I can only work on my perception of myself, not everyone elses

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

SullyS25. I admire you! But, it does effect me. In corporate settings I am passed up for promotions even though I am more competent than others because I'm too awkward. So, this problem affects my income! Sometimes, I make my managers a bit uncomfortable and they stop talking to me as much............I could deny that it's a problem as I have done in the past but I am only fooling myself. I think my issues (may be more severe) and my settings (more intense) than yours....I don't know but I don't think we're going to agree on this one. I just hate that it also hurts me financially.

 

[sullyS25]

Well as long as you play the helpless victim, it will continue to affect you. Best of luck with that. I bid you adieu.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

So, SullyS25 thinks I am playing a helpless victim. Point taken. I disagree. Does anyone else feel that I am playing a helpless victim? I've taken some very socially challenging jobs that puts me in contact with all Alphas and Social Butterflies.....But, I still press on.

 

[sullyS25]

These jobs put you in contact with Alphas and Social Butterflies but nothing has changed, you continue to hide behind the identity of having social anxiety. You are willing to defend this identity over hearing out other ways of perceiving the world.

If you truly don't like having social anxiety then that means you must change right? How can you change if you are continually defending the way you think and see your surroundings. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

You are defending yourself and the severity of your SA because you are unconsciously attracted to that identity because if you didnt have the label of SA to define you....then who would you be?

 

[Lowlight]

Does anyone else feel that I am playing a helpless victim?

I would wonder what sully would say if you lost your job specifically because you had shyness issues.

You only have problems because you perceive not having a job as a problem.

You only have problems with not having enough money for food simply because you see not having food as a problem.

You only have problems with starving to death because you see death as a problem.

These are extreme exaggerations, but they highlight the thought process. I mean this in the deepest respect that we all can't be Buddhas and one with the Tao all of the time.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

SullyS25. I would like to hear from other people. I understand what your saying but I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. I'm not hiding behind anything. I use to be socially isolated but then I started to socialize. I joined a fraternity in college. I've done public speaking in front of crowds. I've gone out with strangers.......But, chemically, I am not right. I can't explain it. But, it's a lot more than changing your perception. Your explaining it from your own perspective. You never had to walk in my shoes. Let's politely disagree and let others chime in.

 

[LifeInternal88]

You are defending yourself and the severity of your SA because you are unconsciously attracted to that identity because if you didnt have the label of SA to define you....then who would you be?

Do you have SA ?

I don't understand your point. We are here to help each other, to discuss what we go through and learn/see how others deal with the same situations. We are NOT here to "defend our SA" because we are "unconsciously attracted to that identity" as you put it.

 

[sullyS25]

I would wonder what sully would say if you lost your job specifically because you had shyness issues.

You only have problems because you perceive not having a job as a problem.

You only have problems with not having enough money for food simply because you see not having food as a problem.

You only have problems with starving to death because you see death as a problem.

These are extreme exaggerations, but they highlight the thought process. I mean this in the deepest respect that we all can't be Buddhas and one with the Tao all of the time.

Im not buddhist, Im not taoist and I'm not religious. Look at the way you take these these things to extremes. Eye contact problems make you lose a job? please

We can't all hide behind the identity of having SA either....I prefer to be happy and embrace other ways of thinking. Living in a hole of self-loathing, self-pity came to a point that I didnt enjoy it anymore and HAD to accept other ways of thinking.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Yes. Eye contact can help you lose a job!!! I'm usually in sales or marketing. Eye contact is absolutely critical in selling and working in groups! Not to mention being promoted to a manager so that you can lead your own team.
You don't make any sense at all.

 

[sullyS25]

Do you have SA ?

I don't understand your point. We are here to help each other, to discuss what we go through and learn/see how others deal with the same situations. We are NOT here to "defend our SA" because we are "unconsciously attracted to that identity" as you put it.

Are we really here to help each other or are we here to coddle each other and maintain the same thinking patterns? I offered a different perspective that helped me, YOU perceived it as an attack. I was once diagnosed with SA and I hid behind it with very heavy drug use and alcohol abuse. Then I realized my thinking was flawed and accepted another way of thinking that doesnt involve hiding behind labels.....I am done now....sorry you guys think I am attacking you. I am offering what helped me

 

[sullyS25]

Yes. Eye contact can help you lose a job!!! I'm usually in sales or marketing. Eye contact is absolutely critical in selling and working in groups! Not to mention being promoted to a manager so that you can lead your own team.
You don't make any sense at all.

It is your choice to be in sales and marketing when you have eye contact issues and believe they will affect your performance negatively. It is your choice to believe that being a manager and leading a team automatically means success and happiness. Keep chasing that dragon that is success and I can assure you that you will continue being discontent.