Not wanting to go to work...

[namelessmiracle]

A little background....

I pushed myself through school because of the pressure of not letting my family down. I graduated with my bachelors degree in social work at 21. I like social work because I love helping people who are in need. It's different for me than customer service.....I feel my SA is controlled because of how I feel after I help a needy family. I worked at DHS as an intern then a caseworker aid in child welfare for 2 years. Economy sucks so I was laid off. I liked these jobs because I had no authority, noone looking to me for the answer. I like being the assistant or the secretary. The less authority i have, the happier I am. I'm content working by myself quietly!*

Now I'm dealing with my SA daily because I work in a residential treatment center for boys 14-18 who are criminal or sexual offenders and have bad behavior problems. I constantly get verbally abused, yelled at, called names, challenged, and just broken down by these kids. I've been there 3 months and want to quit every single day. I don't quit because we need the money. I live with my boyfriend of 3 years, and he doesn't understand my SA. He always unintentionally makes fun of it and thinks I'm just emotional and can't control it. He tries, but just doesn't understand. *I don't quit because I don't want him to think I'm lazy or didn't try. He always says just to suck it up and keep going. I try, but daily I have panic attacks at work. I come home and cry myself to sleep many nights because it is so hard to keep myself composed at work. In the hours before i leave for work, I'm constantly looking for excuses and running through scenarios in my head about quitting...I try to think of some story to make up for my boyfriend/family about me getting fired or let go...I try to think of anything I can in order to have an excuse to not go back to that place but not have my boyfriend/family know/be mad at me for quitting. Like right now, I'm anxious about work and trying to find an excuse to not go back there. I hate the kids belittling me and extorting my flaws. Its a person with SA's worst nightmare!!




TODAY I am having an extremely hard time. I don't want to go to work, and constantly my mind is trying to rationalize quitting. I am puttin off showering and getting ready. I am thinking of other things I'd rather do. I'm getting myself so worked up that I'm starting a panic attack and trying to control it. Once I get to work it will calm down, but I know for the next three hours I'm going to drive myself crazy. Its so exhausting. I just want to go to sleep on the couch and not go to work. This job is taking a toll on me and no one understands because they don't have SA. Any tips? Tricks? Ways to restore sanity?

Anyone else have similar experiences? I would love to hear them, good to know I'm not alone

 

[Porto]

Got to have that same panic attacks time after time after time. Although if u just give up, and leave the job u will be giving with yourself even more crazy to don't have a job and that u just gave up. Problems will still be there with the less of having a job : (

The best way is just to skip from your head all the toughts that are making u feel in panic. Try to put yourself doing something that wont even give time to think about. Go out, go shopping, go exercise, go for a walk with a friend. DO ANYTHING THAT KEEP U WAY FROM YOURSELF, if is that possible!

 

[SilverSky]

First off, congrats on doing so well getting a bachelors degree that is so amazing. Wanting to help others shows a lot about your character. <3

Where you work now sounds like it would be hard on anyone, even people who have never dealt with SA. I worked on the phones at a credit card company and had people daily tell me to kill myself and that they want to blow up the building I work at...I can tell you I only lasted 6 months before having a major break down. It's very hard to have people put you down daily and I can't imagine having it said to your face vs. over the phone.

Have you been actively looking for other work? Maybe even venture into something different but less stressful? I don't want to say not to work, because once you quit a job because of SA, it's easier each time to quit and make excuses why...but if you find something else it would be a better thing to transition to another job versus quitting outright.

A tip for you if you'd like to stay is to get ready automatically when you wake up no matter what time you have to be there. Try to think of positive things you can look forward to after work. Don't be idle, find things to do so that you can't think up excuses. Think of a positive outcome of the work you do, how important you are. I promise people value you and the work you do even if they don't tell you enough!

Best of luck to you though, my thoughts are with you.

 

[Nanita]

Hi namelessmiracle

Actually, about 4 years ago, I was going to study to be a social worker, but the very first day, on the train, I began shaking and crying- and in the end I never made it through the door to start the first day. That was my last actual attempt to get an education.

Your job sounds so hard, it must be very stressful being around those troublemakers. Could you change to a different area of social work? Because what you have to go through is really exhausting, in many ways.
I have had several stressful jobs, probably not as stressful as yours, since you are actually being verbally abused and what not.
The jobs I had, man...I could barely drag myself to work, but I just had to, just because I needed the salary.

I know what it´s like having a partner that DOESN´T UNDERSTAND social phobia.
My ex boyfriend never accepted or understood that I have social phobia. He didn´t really believe that it is FOR REAL, that I have so many problems with myself/people. And he kept telling me to just be outgoing/just be myself, and so on. Well, I can´t just push some magic botton that removes the nervousness and anxiety!

 

[SilverSky]

Hi namelessmiracle

I know what it´s like having a partner that DOESN´T UNDERSTAND social phobia.
My ex boyfriend never accepted or understood that I have social phobia. He didn´t really believe that it is FOR REAL, that I have so many problems with myself/people. And he kept telling me to just be outgoing/just be myself, and so on. Well, I can´t just push some magic botton that removes the nervousness and anxiety!

It's very tough...Your boyfriend sounds insensitive..I'm in a relationship now where I'm told constantly to "be stronger" and just to "deal with it" and that I need to be talkative to people because not being talkative is rude and everyone thinks I'm a B-word. I don't know if it's possible to have a lasting relationship with someone who's outgoing and really doesn't get it...or maybe we're hard to be with :-/ Idk. But I hope there is someone out there for all of us who is patient and kind and gets the fact that 'normal' things like working and going out is very hard for us. I contemplate if I should just stay alone versus trying to have someone love me for these very reasons. No matter what we have to give, love, compassion, kindness, honesty...they always find our flaws to be such a big deal...

 

[Nanita]

It's very tough...Your boyfriend sounds insensitive..I'm in a relationship now where I'm told constantly to "be stronger" and just to "deal with it" and that I need to be talkative to people because not being talkative is rude and everyone thinks I'm a B-word. I don't know if it's possible to have a lasting relationship with someone who's outgoing and really doesn't get it...or maybe we're hard to be with :-/ Idk. But I hope there is someone out there for all of us who is patient and kind and gets the fact that 'normal' things like working and going out is very hard for us. I contemplate if I should just stay alone versus trying to have someone love me for these very reasons. No matter what we have to give, love, compassion, kindness, honesty...they always find our flaws to be such a big deal...

It is damn hard yes! Oh it was my EX-boyfriend that didnt accept me as I am, ex boyfriend , thankgod.. I do have another guy now, and he is just great, so patient, helpful and caring.
Good luck to you Silversky...!!!

-and to Namelessmiracle, sorry I didnt mean to take over your thread