Anxiety From Seeing Your Loved Ones Even During Emergencies

[MotherWolff]

Recently my grandmother(on my mom's side of the family) has been in the hospital for being in a continuingly degenerating condition of colon cancer. This is perhaps the third or fourth time that she had to return to the hospital for such a threatening sickness.

Prior to yesterday(9/11) I have never EVER even came to visit my weakened, lonely, grandmother while other members of the family has(even one of my brothers has visited her and he hardly ever leaves the house!). Before yesterday, I have always felt twice as guilty when I see my brother and my mother(they make up the entirety of my scarce social life that I have) depart the house to visit her.

Now there are a few reasons why I didn't go with my mom and brother to visit my grandmother. One of them is mainly because of the anxiety I have about seeing the members of my family that are more like "strangers" to me. These family members are outside of my immediate family. They are cousins, uncles, and aunts. Hell, I even feel anxiety towards my grandmother...

Another reason is because one day I told my mom that I really did want to go to the hospital along with her. She came up with every excuse she can find to discourage me; your hair is a mess, you don't like to be around the family, you embarass me, stuff like that. So I gave up asking her, went into my room, and moped all day long in bed feeling very defeated.

Then, even when my mom came to me and apologized for the things she said and offered to take me to the hospital, I boldly refused in a teenage-like rebellion. I told her that I was too upset with her to even want to go anywhere with her. But subconsciously, I realized that I actually "need" her to do ANYTHING and that includes transportation. I wouldn't dare attempt to request a ride to the hospital from anyone else from the family(they're "strangers" to me), my 23 year old brother doesn't know how to drive, and I have no friends so in the end I had no choice but to go with her(or stay home, as usual).

Yeah, I went to the hospital to see my grandmother yesterday and boy was I a nervous wreck, but I was better off than I expected. I think its because NONE of my other family members were there(I came early in the morning). I couldn't bare the sudden feelings I had of guilt and uselessness. I feel guilty because I decided to see her when she's in her worst physical condition and not when she was healthy and well. And I feel useless because I can't possibly do anything to "cure" her cancer and rid her of her suffering.

This makes me wonder whether I came there because I SHOULD(as if it were an obligation) or because I love her(and yet I feel so caullous).

I even think selfish thoughts like, "Well if she passes away I'll have to go to the funeral service for her. Not only do I have disbelief in God and Christianity, two elements that are present in these funeral services, but I WILL be forced to confront my other countless family members whom have not seen or heard from me in five to six years. And to top it all off I have a seriously negative reputation of being crazy. After all, news had got out that I was in the mental hospital for two weeks, nearly a month."

Has anyone here experienced a similar situation? Can anyone here provide me with some advice? Thank you and sorry for such a long thread, I just can't help but pour my feelings on such a matter out like this.

 

[LostInLife]

I can relate to a certain extent. It's great that you went to visit your grandmother. Trust me you don't want those thoughts of being able to go but you don't. My Aunt was in the hospital several years ago with the same condition. My parents begged me to go. But I made up some excuses similar to yours not to visit her. She passed away not to long after. There was a funeral for her and I made an excuse for that too! It makes me sad and brings me to tears when I think about it. That’s one of the many regrets of my life.

 

[IJustWantMyLifeBack]

Yes, I know how you feel I get this when I see my parents and they are with there friends or other family... I hate it.. I have no reason to feel this way but I do... I always think why I'am I like this.... arhhhh

 

[MotherWolff]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

In a selfish kind of way, I am actually grateful that I am not alone in suffering with this situation. But I was also looking forward to reading possible solutions/advice for such a thing as well.

Yes, its been a whole week since this thread began and my grandmother is STILL in the hospital. My mother goes to see her EVERY SINGLE DAY. And yet I do not. It feels like in her own silent way, that my mom is saying, "I love your grandmother more than you do."

Even though I went to visit her last week, I am still wrought with guilt and shame...


To LostInLife:

I must applaud your bravery to admit your regret. I wish to bestow my condolences unto you.

I have lost both of my grandfathers(on my mom's and dad's side) but I had at least went to visit my grandfather in the hospital and I went to his funeral(the one on my mom's side). I am not too fond of that, however, due to my most frigid behavior. This was back in 2002 or 2003 so I was about 13 or 14(which I believe was the onset of my depression and my SAD). If it were my choice, I would have avoided those activities at all cost. It feels as though I never went to his funeral service at all.

But I want to change that as soon as possible...I just wish I visited my grandmother more often when she was well.

 

[Nicholas]

I don't really understand you question, I don't know what you are asking about, but what you wrote seems normal to me for a person with SA.
You know you would like to visit your grandma, you would like to do a lot of things if... if you hadn't SA. Social anxiety makes you afraid of doing everything social, from big stuff like parties to simple stuff like seeing relatives or answering the phone.
You are not evil, you are not bad. It's just that the fear is controlling you, SA is controlling your life and you don't have choices anymore: it forces you to take the easy route, which often means "avoiding situations".

SA comes from a fear of being judged, and that comes from the fact we don't like ourselves, we don't accept ourselves. Find a way to accept yourself, little by little, and do whatever you can to improve yourself and feel satisfied. Don't ruin your own life, everyone has the power to change a lot in their lives, if only they weren't afraid. Good luck.

 

[MotherWolff]

I don't really understand you question, I don't know what you are asking about, but what you wrote seems normal to me for a person with SA.
You know you would like to visit your grandma, you would like to do a lot of things if... if you hadn't SA. Social anxiety makes you afraid of doing everything social, from big stuff like parties to simple stuff like seeing relatives or answering the phone.
You are not evil, you are not bad. It's just that the fear is controlling you, SA is controlling your life and you don't have choices anymore: it forces you to take the easy route, which often means "avoiding situations".

SA comes from a fear of being judged, and that comes from the fact we don't like ourselves, we don't accept ourselves. Find a way to accept yourself, little by little, and do whatever you can to improve yourself and feel satisfied. Don't ruin your own life, everyone has the power to change a lot in their lives, if only they weren't afraid. Good luck.

Uh, thanks for your reply but I already know what SA is. What I don't know is "how" I should go about eliminating it. That's the very reason I joined this site. I want to stop SA, not to focus on it. I was hoping your reply(and the few others I recieved) would perhaps give some advice..... Maybe its my fault why I haven't recieved much help for it yet.

You at least explained to me how I need to find a method with which I can use to reduce the SA I have to face even amongst my family members. And I like how you said that "everyone has the power to change alot in their lives." But you didn't give me a slight description on just "how" I can improve myself(in this case, on how to reduce my SA towards my relatives). I know that's what I "need" to do, what I don't know is just "how" I should do it. Perhaps I am asking too much and maybe this thread is very unclear, although I've tried my best to explain my situation.

My question here basically was, "Is there anyone else who can relate to my situation mentioned in the beginning post of this thread and more importantly does anyone have any advice/solutions to handle it better?" That's all; what's there to really understand about it?

Again, thank you for your time replying to this thread...

 

[Nicholas]

My question here basically was, "Is there anyone else who can relate to my situation mentioned in the beginning post of this thread and more importantly does anyone have any advice/solutions to handle it better?" That's all; what's there to really understand about it?

Well, yes, I guess everyone can relate, because it's a normal problem for people with SA. I mean, we tend to hide, but whether we must come out because of an emergency or not doesn't mean anything. I used to dread seeing relatives, and I still do, but now I try to "just do it", otherwise I might develop a bad habit.
The thing is, why are you scared of seeing your relatives? I don't know you situation, but SA always boils down to fear of being judged. After analyzing my case, I realized I am actually uncomfortable with relatives because I am a loser and they know it, and they might ask me about my life or ask my mom or anyone else about it, and that would lead to embarrassment. What should I tell them? The truth, like "Oh, I just dropped out of college because I have had depression, I still have problems with anxiety, and blah blah". Really? No way. So the reason why we have SA is that we are not satisfied of our own lives, and so we are afraid of embarrassment. The solution is trying to fix our lives and reach a point at which we feel satisfied and proud of ourselves. At that point, what some people say or think won't even bother you at all.
Right now I try to cope with stressful situations, trying not to avoid them too often. Also, I am trying to be sincere, try to do what I really like to do, and try not to be influenced by my fears. I am trying to fix myself, even though it's really really hard.

 

[MotherWolff]

Well, yes, I guess everyone can relate, because it's a normal problem for people with SA. I mean, we tend to hide, but whether we must come out because of an emergency or not doesn't mean anything. I used to dread seeing relatives, and I still do, but now I try to "just do it", otherwise I might develop a bad habit.
The thing is, why are you scared of seeing your relatives? I don't know you situation, but SA always boils down to fear of being judged. After analyzing my case, I realized I am actually uncomfortable with relatives because I am a loser and they know it, and they might ask me about my life or ask my mom or anyone else about it, and that would lead to embarrassment. What should I tell them? The truth, like "Oh, I just dropped out of college because I have had depression, I still have problems with anxiety, and blah blah". Really? No way. So the reason why we have SA is that we are not satisfied of our own lives, and so we are afraid of embarrassment. The solution is trying to fix our lives and reach a point at which we feel satisfied and proud of ourselves. At that point, what some people say or think won't even bother you at all.
Right now I try to cope with stressful situations, trying not to avoid them too often. Also, I am trying to be sincere, try to do what I really like to do, and try not to be influenced by my fears. I am trying to fix myself, even though it's really really hard.

Thank you, once again, for your reply.

I'm scared of seeing my relatives for much of the same reasons you are. Like being judged by them based on my lifestyle, how I look, how I act, my current situation, e.t.c. I guess it's the same reason why I get SA from strangers. In fact, my distant relatives are like "strangers" to me.

But I think there's something really wrong when you let SA get in the way of life when there's an emergency. Any rational person would put their fears aside for their sickened loved ones.

Yes, perhaps I need to just stop avoiding social/stressful situations so much. Better yet, I need to get more involved in social activities. It doesn't help much that I sit in the house all day. Yeah, I totally agree with your post here. Thanks for the suggestions.

Although I am looking forward to more posts on this topic, out of curiosity of what others would think about this.

 

[Nicholas]

But I think there's something really wrong when you let SA get in the way of life when there's an emergency. Any rational person would put their fears aside for their sickened loved ones.

No. You would like to go visit your grandma, you know it, you said it. If you didn't have SA, you would have gone right away. But this makes you understand how serious SA really is, how much of a problem it really is. It is a horrible psychological disorder, it ruins people's lives completely. It's not your fault, you are not evil and selfish. It's just that your SA is becoming more serious, and that's it. People with SA are often very kind and nice, and they would be great people if... if they didn't have SA which makes them run away and hide and almost seem suspicious, mysterious, and bad.
Don't worry, it looks like you are still in time. The more you wait, the worse it is. In fact, I guess you were scared of visiting your grandma because... everyone else already did! You would have looked like the odd one! So SA made you delay the visit at first, and then SA made you even more anxious because you did delay it.

Ok, sorry for these long posts where I ramble, LOL. I sometimes just like to analyze the situations and try to understand.
As you said, getting more involved in social activities will be a good thing to do to practice (not too involved though, at least at first). That's what I would like to do too, but... if I didn't have my goddamn hyperhidrosis :: I would get rid of SA and depression in one year I guess, but this crap causes me a lot of social embarrassment, and so I'm stuck and fuked for real. ::