Why be MORE scared and even MORE avoidant....

[TooShyShy]

When you KNOW a girl is interested in you?

To become even shyer then you were and even more anxious around her after finding out and to hide yourself makes no sense to me..can someone please explain why this happens when the person has let you know you feel the same way; by HIS actions--staring, body language--nervousness, treating you differently from everyone else--talks comfortably (chatty) with everyone EXCEPT you, etc.?


Also..if you are doing all that bcuz you CAN NOT handle some interaction (let alone a relationship) then why when you see this girl speaking with another guy (in the building) do you suddenly become a bit more bold and not SO shy (goes out of his way to say hello) anymore?

And unfortunatelyl this new "attention" never lasts though.

Grrrrrr i thought i was over this

 

[Rodox]

Well could be a lot of things,I cant answer for him,could be bad past experiences,could be that he doesnt have that much experiences,some people take much longer to open up,I liked this girl so much and she would give all the signs that she liked me,yet I did nothing I let her escape,you really have to ask him IF you can and if you are sure he likes you,from your posts looks like he wont take the initiative(spell?),ask him if he likes you or if there is a problem,say that you will understand and support him,well that is what I would want anyways....

 

[music10]

I wouldn't want to make a mistake around her. I would want to appear smart. If this is at school I would also be afraid about doing something embarrassing infront of others as well.

 

[recluse]

I would feel more confident if i knew a girl liked me. I think we all could do with a self esteem boost.

 

[TooShyShy]

He does get more confident if I initiate a hello or good morning OR after i write him a small note (did that a few times) or leave something in his office mailbox; christmas, valentines, b-day..he definitley gets all happy and walks with a bounce in his step..but then he suddenly withdraws and seems all frightened again, as if he's scared.

It changes day to day!!!! I never know what i am going to see or get with him!!!!

I am the only one he does this with...he makes great eye contact with everyone else and is at ease BUT with me he's VERY SHY and at times nervous and looks so serious when we have to talk..and somedays he just looks VERY sad!!!!!

He's in his late 30's and from all accounts has never had a girlfriend--but he's adorable--handsome, tall, sweet..will do ANYTHING i ask him to do..when others have said he gives them a hard time or stalls..or won't help at all!! He's in maentenance so he gets called alot by all of us but i am the only one he NEVER gives a hard time to EVER!!!!


He has also been caught by at least 4 people watching me, staring at me as i walk and looking at me through a window when i am outdoors...we park in the same parking lot and he has been caught watching me talk to people and walk to my car!

Its just so diffciult bcuz i know he likes me..but i also see that he can't handle it ...so sad

 

[doesit]

TooShyShy you just described me some days im happy other days my mood is down the drain,and the people who i like i will always do anything to help them.Just find a opportunity when the guy is in a good mood and strike a conversation,the more often you will do that the more open he will become.

 

[TooShyShy]

I just think that he has major anxiety and suffers from panic attacks so he has good days and not so good days..its just very obvious that he can't control it. I also think inexperience and low self esteem have alot to do with it too...like i said very sad!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[TooShyShy]

Thank you mimi. Well, that makes TOTAL sense but he willnever know if he doesn't try and at his age (almost 40) i'd say its worth a shot but his fear and anxiety are obviously overwhelming..if he didn't like me or trat me in a different or special way i wouldn't even care but i do know he likes me i just feel he will never pursue me (he just doesn't know how) or will let ME pursue him, i've tried believe me...he gets so overly anxious and withdraws even more..though he'll alwys be a gentleman and help me when i need it.

Uggggh it still makes me so sad for him..and me!!!!!!!!!!

 

[krs2snow]

TooShy, I'm sorry to be the one who's brutally honest w/u but the truth can sometimes hurt. At some point, u have to look at the facts of the situation. This guy is just NOT that into you. (There's a book & a movie out about this if u wanna check it out) You can buy him cute little gifts after spending days looking at different shops for "just the right" thing & u can read into every little thing he does & decide it's a case of bad nerves that cause him not to approach u. But someday, u need to take a look at the cold, hard facts. I know I've responded to ur posts months ago & I told u the same exact thing each & every time. U can only ignore the voice of reason for so long. This guy that U're soooo obsessed w/ is NOT obsessed with you. If he was so interested in u don't u think he'd have made his move by now? Even the most shy of guys will let u know when he likes u. He HAS to let u know! BECAUSE he likes u! Even if it goes against every grain in his body! U shouldn't be arguing the fact that u think he likes u at this point, ur past that now. U need to let him know how U feel! Confront ur situation or forever continue living in a fantasy world. I can see ur post now "I've known him for 12 yrs & I've always KNown he likes me! He looks away when I'm around & acts so nervous! He's sooo shy around me but he talks to everyone else! It's obvious he likes me! I keep looking at him when he's in the room & I'm trying to tell him w/my mind that I like him! But I think he's just too shy! He's scared to approach me! Next month is the month though! At the Christmas party I'm gonna wear my new dress & knock his socks off! He'll definitely ask me out then!" Tooshy, the guy is 40 yrs old. He's not THAT shy, trust me. Let him know how u feel so u can move on w/ur life. Hell, u never know, maybe telling him how u feel will be the best thing that ever happened. Maybe THAT'S ur fairytale ending. Tell the guy what's up & move on

 

[dtrotter]

From a guy perspective, they always want to avoid making mistakes and try not to jeopardize their chances with the girl. But, most of the time, nervousness got the better of them, and all they have when they see you, is a blank head. The question of"What should i tell her" or "what should i do" keep resounding over and over again in their head.

Most of the guys i dated, from my experience, are just as shy as the one you described. It's just be helped. May be you could try dragging him out for a date? That's wat i did XD

 

[krs2snow]

^^ Yea, I know. I was pretty tough. I did say I was gonna be brutally honest tho. I think Tooshyshy has liked this guy for a long time but it sounds like nothing has happened. But she's convinced he likes her. Which Idk, maybe he actually does! She should just find out once & for all & let him know how she feels. I did the same exact thing as u & obsessed over a guy for about 4 yrs too! He was a friend of my brothers & I was totally in love w/him. He'd call for my brother & if i answered I'd replay our 5 sec. conversation in my head for the next week! Sometimes he seemed so nervous around me & I was convinced he liked me. I never told him how I felt tho & I should've just told him. Even tho I don't think it would've changed anything it would've helped me move on. I do think tho that if a guy really likes u he'll move mountains to let u know even if he's the most shy guy in the world. I finally realized this guy wasn't that into me. It actually became pretty obvious when he started dating this girl I knew, haha! And even then tho, I was still convinced that he really liked me but was too afraid to do anything about it! LoL! How sorry was I! I drove my friends crazy too cuz I'd talk about him all the time. And the things I talked about were nothing because nothing ever actually happened! So anyways, I think I was living in a fantasy. I think it was easier for me to be obsessed over him then it was to actually find a real boyfriend. I wish Tooshy the best & maybe Im totally wrong but I think she's doing the same exact thing we did. Sorry the guy u liked died btw. That's sad

 

[Rodox]

TooShy, I'm sorry to be the one who's brutally honest w/u but the truth can sometimes hurt. At some point, u have to look at the facts of the situation. This guy is just NOT that into you. (There's a book & a movie out about this if u wanna check it out) You can buy him cute little gifts after spending days looking at different shops for "just the right" thing & u can read into every little thing he does & decide it's a case of bad nerves that cause him not to approach u. But someday, u need to take a look at the cold, hard facts. I know I've responded to ur posts months ago & I told u the same exact thing each & every time. U can only ignore the voice of reason for so long. This guy that U're soooo obsessed w/ is NOT obsessed with you. If he was so interested in u don't u think he'd have made his move by now? Even the most shy of guys will let u know when he likes u. He HAS to let u know! BECAUSE he likes u! Even if it goes against every grain in his body! U shouldn't be arguing the fact that u think he likes u at this point, ur past that now. U need to let him know how U feel! Confront ur situation or forever continue living in a fantasy world. I can see ur post now "I've known him for 12 yrs & I've always KNown he likes me! He looks away when I'm around & acts so nervous! He's sooo shy around me but he talks to everyone else! It's obvious he likes me! I keep looking at him when he's in the room & I'm trying to tell him w/my mind that I like him! But I think he's just too shy! He's scared to approach me! Next month is the month though! At the Christmas party I'm gonna wear my new dress & knock his socks off! He'll definitely ask me out then!" Tooshy, the guy is 40 yrs old. He's not THAT shy, trust me. Let him know how u feel so u can move on w/ur life. Hell, u never know, maybe telling him how u feel will be the best thing that ever happened. Maybe THAT'S ur fairytale ending. Tell the guy what's up & move on

Maybe he likes her,as I said I liked this girl so much and she would give me all the signs,yet I did nothing when things got at the point to do,I loved her so much that I was to afraid to lose her before something even started,in the end I didnt even had her in my arms which I regret so much....
The only way to work this out is spill the beans to him,talk about to him,or send a friend of his so he doesnt get to intimidated,if he avoids you even then,then the only way is to move on...

 

[krs2snow]

Maybe he likes her,as I said I liked this girl so much and she would give me all the signs,yet I did nothing when things got at the point to do,I loved her so much that I was to afraid to lose her before something even started,in the end I didnt even had her in my arms which I regret so much....
The only way to work this out is spill the beans to him,talk about to him,or send a friend of his so he doesnt get to intimidated,if he avoids you even then,then the only way is to move on...

That's really good advice! I didn't think about having his friend talk to him for her. That way he wouldn't be intimidated like u said & she wouldn't have talk to him face to face which would be very hard. I like what u said b4 about letting him know u will support him too. If I were in a situation like this (Again! God I hope not!) I'd probably write him a letter. Then I could just hand it to him & run off & Id know what was said to him. If he still did nothing I'd probably start wondering if he understood my letter or if I should've written it differently! haha! But no, really, Id know he didn't feel the same way & Id look for a new job, quit the one where he worked & find a new guy to like! That's what I'd do now anyways maybe not a few yrs ago. Like mimi said, it's crazy to spend so much time obsessing over one person. Cuz u don't even really know them but ur convinced they're perfect for u.

 

[Cynic]

He's in his late 30's and from all accounts has never had a girlfriend

Why would you want a 40-year-old virgin that no one else likes when just about every other guy is experienced and is wanted by other women? Chances are as no one wanted him before, you'll almost certainly go off him too.

He may be afraid that once you actually get to know him you WON'T like him. I can totally relate to that guy

So can I, except I know for an absolute fact that no one would like me once they got to know me.

 

[mimi1988]

I know for an absolute fact that no one would like me once they got to know me.

Why? Are you a psycho path, rapist, pervert? What?
There's somebody for everybody. It's just that some of us have a harder time finding that someone.

 

[Outshined]

To the OP, your situation might be a lost cause.
I have a hard time talking and relating with most people in general, let alone trying to talk to a girl that's interested in me. When I hear that someone might be into me, I always end up blowing it off. I'd rather let the situation fade away, than make a fool of myself and screw with my already agitated state of mind. Being a guy it's even harder, because we're expected to make all the moves. Social anxiety disorder can be so crushing sometimes, it just feels unreal. I don't know how else to put it.

 

[doesit]

i have to say that i totally agree to Outshined,if person is in his late twenties or older,and never had a relationship,and suffers with anxiety which is easy to notice on any person,the man could like the woman but he wont risk,because most of the life he spent alone and he doesnt want to risk to become a fool or make stupid of himself in front of others etc.And the only thing he could do is show some attention or help the woman,because you still get that warm feeling of happiness when you do something good for someone you like :] anyway its only my point of view.

 

[licorice]

TooShy,I can completely empathize with you about this situation youre in as I have had a thing for a seemingly avoidant/social phobic man myself...However,I do adamantly agree with what krs2snow has said and I know it hurts to hear that cause you want to believe this man does indeed have feelings for you but if nothing has blossomed between you and him by now,than I would say its most likely a lost cause...I would hate to see you hold on to some sort of false hope with this man and waste years waiting... Im not sure how well you really know this man,have you ever actually gone out on a date with him?? If not than I think that you have idealized him way too much without really,truly knowing him....I think this is very psychological,its this obsession with him and the challenge that it creates for you that makes him so much more interesting to you...And the fact that he seems to have very little experience with the opposite sex makes him even more fascinating...Trust me,let him go,I know its easier said than done,hopefully in time you will...When you think of him or see him,think of all the negative things....Life is way too short!

 

[Cynic]

Why? Are you a psycho path, rapist, pervert? What?

They would probably make better partners and parents than I ever will.

There's somebody for everybody.

There are exceptions to the rule, and I am one of those exceptions.

 

[mimi1988]

They would probably make better partners and parents than I ever will.


There are exceptions to the rule, and I am one of those exceptions.

Lol, I don't believe any of this. What could possibly be more worse than a killer or rapist?... Stop being so hard on yourself.