Because I have low self esteem I'm easily swayed by others' criticism. Yes, I'm always rejecting the negative criticism, naturally. Who wouldn't? But what if you receive 'positive' criticism? Is it dangerous to let yourself feel too good about it? If I receive a positive comment, it's not so much 'nice' as it is a huge sigh of relief inside, like, "yes, I'm validated as a human being." Okay, maybe not that extreme, but you know what I mean. The fact is, we all want to hear positive feedback from people, we thrive on it. But I worry that it's just as destructive as the negative stuff. After all, it's still letting other people's judgments of you determine how you think and feel about yourself.
Dangerous to accept 'positive' criticism?
- Thread starter flakeybark
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philly2bits
Well-known member
if you keep thinking that way, than all people say to you will become bad. Even when it is good, you could twist into being bad. It is not a good cycle to be in.
I think I agree with the point the op was making, that we shouldn't base things on how someone else perceives us, good or bad. Criticism, positive and negative, can be helpful, but it should not be the sole source of our self-esteem or lack thereof, and should be taken with a grain of salt.
Oh I'm well aware of that. Can't exactly just turn the 'what other people think of me matters' switch off though. It's been on for quite some time.
philly2bits
Well-known member
I know what your saying. I was in the same place and it just built and built, everything people said getting worse and worse in my mind until my "switch" just broke. Now i don't care at all what people think, good or bad. Zero. Not one persons opinion matters to me at all. It's the numb grey area. Not a good place to be either.
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Riptor
1
You have a point. As pleased as I am on the rare occasion someone compliments me, I always try not to let it go to my head. I guess the worst that could happen is I get a big head and then come crashing down when someone notices and says I'm not really all that.
OH YEAH THEN WHY DID YOU EDIT UR POST HUH?
I'm kidding (just in case you do care).
OH YEAH THEN WHY DID YOU EDIT UR POST HUH?
I'm kidding (just in case you do care).
Anubis
Well-known member
Have you ever read "The Inner Game of Tennis"? Because that's exactly what a major part of his thesis is. That positive criticism or praise in general can be detrimental to peak performance because it involves judgment. And when you insert judgment into anything, your mind instantly tenses up and either desperately wants to repeat the action that brought so much praise or avoid it. The problem with this is that your mind becomes enamored with doing things "right" that it often prevents your movement from flowing naturally (and this is a common complaint from SA people - that they always feel anxious and stilted when in conversation).
I probably severely butchered the thesis, but yea, I thought that was an interesting observation. I'm still not finished with the book though.
Emmmmy
Well-known member
Anubis - that really makes sense. Think I'll have a look.
I know I'm stretching the explanation to something else here... but I find with some friendships that I try and keep doing the things I think they like me for - just to sustain the friendship.
It's true - analysis is paralysis.
I know I'm stretching the explanation to something else here... but I find with some friendships that I try and keep doing the things I think they like me for - just to sustain the friendship.
It's true - analysis is paralysis.
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That is really interesting. It's true how our mind tenses up as soon as you insert judgment into something. I practice a lot of drawing, and as anyone that draws or does art knows, judgment which leads to tension kills creativity. As soon as you deem something 'good' or 'bad' it's like hitting a brick wall. Anxiety just wipes out creative thought.
and it's true that we may be more inclined to want to repeat something to which we've received positive feedback. As I see it, positive feedback is just as detrimental as negative feedback. You're still letting it dictate your thoughts and establish your own self worth. That is to say, if you're someone like me who is easily swayed by it.
cosmosis
Well-known member
Also I think that people with Anxiety generally do have a problem with positive criticism because of the negative mindset.
Compliments pull you up and temporarily improve your image. The problem with that is if you are anxious, you are not looking to 'improve' but rather you are looking to make sure you just don't fail (which is a big difference). Once you receive a compliment, you likely have a slightly higher image of yourself now, but all that means is that its easier for you to fail ultimately. That's why we don't want to 'take' positive criticism or compliments because we know it sets us up for failure later on. A compliment takes away from the control anxiety has and puts you in uncharted water.
Contrast that with a normal non-anxious person who is actually looking to improve (not just wanting to make sure they don't fail) and they crave compliments. It doesn't set up for failure, because their mindset is positive looking and it gets them closer to what they want.
Compliments pull you up and temporarily improve your image. The problem with that is if you are anxious, you are not looking to 'improve' but rather you are looking to make sure you just don't fail (which is a big difference). Once you receive a compliment, you likely have a slightly higher image of yourself now, but all that means is that its easier for you to fail ultimately. That's why we don't want to 'take' positive criticism or compliments because we know it sets us up for failure later on. A compliment takes away from the control anxiety has and puts you in uncharted water.
Contrast that with a normal non-anxious person who is actually looking to improve (not just wanting to make sure they don't fail) and they crave compliments. It doesn't set up for failure, because their mindset is positive looking and it gets them closer to what they want.
I don't know. My thinking is that someone with high self esteem doesn't 'crave' compliments or seek them out. I think that when you are self assured, the opinions of others (good in this case) are unimportant. My idea of stability is someone who is unaffected by all criticisms.
cosmosis
Well-known member
Okay. The difference between someone with high self-esteem is that they already 'know' they are great. The small compliments serve very little to bolster them so they don't really need to crave it. Of course if the compliment is GRAND and huge, then they would absolutely love it. They still crave compliments, but the bigger the better because they are already elevated.
If you are self-assured and stable, its because you have had so much positive feedback integrated (internal and external) that one comment will not affect it either way. Unfortunately, you don't get that way because you simply don't care about judements. You have to get that way 1st and then you don't care about judgement.
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