Old 07-08-2018
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anxiousmess anxiousmess is offline
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So in a nutshell. Here's my story.

I was with my ex boyfriend for one year. He has depression, anxiety, is quite socially awkward as well.

When we first started dating, it was lovely. He would phone, text, take me out on dates and compliment me. He was quite affectionate. We would have sex. It was all perfect.

Once the honeymoon period wore out, I noticed he became distant. I found myself initiating everything but he would respond. We became more like best friends then lovers.

He later admitted to me that he finds relationships difficult especially intimacy and commitment. But his willing to work on things and wants to take things slow.

His always been quite a cold person. Doesn't communicate his needs and makes excuses to prevent confrontation.

When it comes to affection. He pushed me away when I went to hold his hand, or kiss him. He would often show anxiety. I just put it down to his fear with intimacy. To give it time he might come out of it.

I also learnt as he doesn't communicate well. I had learnt to observe his actions, body language and words to understand his communication. Even then, it's been hard.

I eventually told him I loved him. This created more distance from his part.

I did ask why does he keep pushing me away. As this is becoming an long issue. He said, he doesn't know why he keeps pushing me away. He appeared quite uncomfortable with this conversation and trying to run away. If I know the fears and the anxiety and the cause of why he feels this way. Then we have something to work on. Then I can avoid certain things. But all he kept saying is - I don't know why I'm like this. I don't mean to push you away. I don't know why I push you away. Claiming he doesn't mean to hurt me. He doesn't know why he does.

I know from one of his previous relationships - his GF went though the same thing. To the point, she decided to end the relationship and maintain being friends. Then she ended the friendship to the point where she cut contact with him.

His previous relationships has been short term or one night stands. He stayed over on Friday evening. Made it clear that he didn't want to discuss our relationship and nor his decision. However, he informed he wants to maintain in a relationship together. However, we cuddled up and he admitted he likes affection but in small doses.


I also informed that he has dodged us talking about the status of our relationship. He doesn't communicate and isn't honest. When he pushes me away when I go to touch him, it feels like rejection.

In a nutshell, he admitted he finds intimacy and personal relationships difficult. He admitted that as we work and hang out together and have a good laugh and good times. He explained he doesn't feel quite the same way as I do by loving me. But admitted it could progress in time. I admitted that I wished I didn't love him as it would make it easier to walk away especially the first time he hurt me. But as I love him - I'm the one getting hurt.

He has loved someone in the past and has had friendships where he has wanted more to progress in the past. But his scared to get close to someone in case he gets hurt. He is afraid of getting close to someone.

I started a new job after. I was hoping to use this as an opportunity for us to have space. But also I realized I had to move on with my life. The bottom line is - he has issues and needs to address it via talking to a professional. Although he admitted he agreeds - as it hasn't affected his friendships - he was in no rush to talk to someone.

New Job

As soon as I started the new job. We saw less and less of each other. We stopped hanging out. I got anxious by the thought. So I thought by asking him to move in with me. This actually made things worse. His anxiety went into overdrive.

Well since I told him a lot of home truths on how his ways had impacted on me during the relationship - providing examples by the lack of effort and indirect communication and I described the pain and hurt it had caused me. Although hearing it - he cried and I decided to end things between us for good. Unless he seeks professional help - then it's over.

Since we broke up and moved on with our lives via doing his job and my new job. We saw less and less of each other. Communication became less and less. I noticed he became a hermit. Not going out much with anyone. I texted him a few times in between three weeks asking him about hanging out as friends. But he didn't reply. So I continued to get on with life.

A few times he tried to make a bit of effort by phoning me. But I just moved forward.

Even during times we saw each other around. I could sense his behaviour around me was he was clearly in pain. Trying to impress me. Trying to seek reassurance. I think hearing what I went through in the relationship deeply hurt and affected him.

It felt like when a child is in pain they look at their mother to reach out and comfort and reassure them. This is what I sensed a few times when I could see the pain on his face.

One particular time a colleague saw this and felt there had been or was going on. By informing me - looking at his face - he deeply cares for me.

My job didn't work out for me so I requested for a transfer back to my old job which I start back tomorrow. As soon as he learnt about this - he has requested for us to go out despite me asking a few times before. Although I met with him once for a drink. I could clearly see he had gone back into a shell since I left.

He had booked a holiday to Ireland this month. Usually when he goes to Ireland on a holiday - this is when he always has his flings or one night stands with women on night's out.

Last week another colleague mentioned they could see there is something between us.

However, we saw each other. We had a personal conversation. I was really surprised and saw a difference in him. He seemed to be able to communicate better. He was able to talk and be more intuned of his feelings and expressed them.

In a nutsell - he has cancelled his holiday to Ireland with friends and instead is planning to go home to be with family. Said he feels his getting old for nights out. I'm fairly sure he did this to prevent sleeping with any women to prevent me feeling hurt if he did.

Kept saying he is excited that I am coming back to work with the team. I told him two colleagues were aware of something that had been between us - he didn't seem to care of people knowing. (something he seemed previously not wanting anyone to know). He also admitted he feels something is still there between us. He learns from his mistakes. I just listened. He kept saying with watery eyes - he doesn't want to get involved as he doesn't want me to get hurt. I'm a good person.

He also informed that since I left he has been hurting and is still hurting.

He wants us to go out for a drink and a meal before he goes back home to his parents.

I start back tomorrow and anxious.

Last edited by anxiousmess; 07-08-2018 at 10:50 PM.
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Old 07-09-2018
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I think you did the right thing by ending the relationship, i understand that you love him and that you want to help but don't forget about yourself while doing so. Relationships are a "two players game (sometimes more)" so you cannot be doing all the effort, your boyfriend cannot be like a cart you're carrying everywhere. He must understand that the first thing to do is to make up his mind and start working on those issues that are afflicting him (because if he doesn't do that and you come back together, even if he seems more talkative at first, things will probably turn the same and you'll reach again that point where you do everything and he stops communicating), once he does that then it is up to you if you want to continue a friendship/relationship, but you need to go on with your life.

good luck!!

That's just my opinion,
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Old 07-09-2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by F0AM View Post
I think you did the right thing by ending the relationship, i understand that you love him and that you want to help but don't forget about yourself while doing so. Relationships are a "two players game (sometimes more)" so you cannot be doing all the effort, your boyfriend cannot be like a cart you're carrying everywhere. He must understand that the first thing to do is to make up his mind and start working on those issues that are afflicting him (because if he doesn't do that and you come back together, even if he seems more talkative at first, things will probably turn the same and you'll reach again that point where you do everything and he stops communicating), once he does that then it is up to you if you want to continue a friendship/relationship, but you need to go on with your life.

good luck!!
^Very good advice there!.


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Originally Posted by F0AM View Post
That's just my opinion,
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Old 07-11-2018
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Congrats on moving your life forward, anxiousmess. And it was a good idea to end your relationship where it was. It sounds like your ex has very deep-seated issues that need to be worked out before he starts to connect with anyone else intimately. He may have some sort of avoidant personality disorder or, otherwise, an extreme fear of getting close to someone and being hurt. I fear something may have happened to him in the past to cause him to view life as he does.

Just, don't fall into the same pitfall you just climbed out of. You left him for a reason and, I don't know how long it's been between you two breaking up and meeting back up like this, but his problems are going to take a while to work through. You can help him pull himself together, but don't let any lingering feelings trick you into pursuing something more with him right now.

But, you seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders; I'm sure you'll make the right choices.
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