utterlyinsane
Member
Hello there. It's Friday night and I'm bored, and alone obviously. Mght as well clog this forum up with my life story, seeing as I'm new here, in the hopes of meeting some people in a similarly hopeless situation. This other social anxiety forum I'm on doesn't have a section for avoidant personality.
You can probably tell from my slightly weird, egocentric style of writing (lots of "I"s) that I've spent so much time alone, I have become completely self-absorbed.
I live in England, and am 20. Childhood - fairly uneventful, even idyllic you might say. I had enough friends as a lad, and was able to socialise. But there was always something slightly "off". I was, and am, exceedingly shy and introverted. I felt weird and uncomfortable around girls, had even less of an idea what to say to them than guys (well, boys - children aren't exactly "guys"). The girl thing is one example of many milestones growing up that I just didn't achieve, because of anxiety and awkwardness for one thing, but mainly because I just wasn't an emotional enough guy in that way to form connections on that level with people. It's ironic how being way too sensitive can in the end result in you being emotionally braindead.
Another problem I had was with confrontation. I just don't feel rage, definitely not strong enough to fight anyone - verbally or physically. Probably another example of the emotional disconnect. So the few times I got into such situations, I either lost the fight badly (physical) or got upset (verbal), or simply ran away. I don't have the backbone to stand up for myself - never have, probably never will. It's a big character flaw. Whatever drives people to have relationships, and get into fights - I must lack it.
Apart from a limited amount of social anxiety, as a kid I also had bad OCD. It's still here a bit, e.g. blinking my eyes in a pattern, but over the years I've mostly got it under control (probably as my focus shifted to the more pressing matter of massive social embarrassment). But at the time, it was on my mind very often. I had to touch things a certain number of times, walk in an even/odd number of steps, things like that. If I didn't, I felt everything was wrong, felt anxious, etc. Anyway.
It was when I turned 11 that social phobia really shifted gears. Moved to a new school with none of my old friends. The whole environment felt "menacing" and hostile from day one. I'm a chronically fearful introvert afraid of confrontation and unable to connect emotionally. Children are a lot more forgiving to people like me, but once everyone hits puberty and develops the testosterone-fuelled bastard side of human nature, people like me are bound to not fit in and get singled out as losers so they can make themselves feel higher on the food chain. I wasn't bullied that badly though, and would've got anxiety regardless. It started with stuff like public speaking, which I was already shaky on. Then just having people look at me in class, then walking around school or town. And so on. What happened was/is shaking and blushing, accompanied by intense fear breaking into panic at times. It just got worse and worse, and I didn't seek help from a professional or my family due to embarrassment. I can barely even eat at the same table as my family any more.
By the time I was 16, the anxiety was really interfering with my academic performance. I had no friends, no life, and spent all my time hiding at home on the computer. But even that I had stopped enjoying as much, as the constant stress and failure took its toll. After I took my GCSE exams at 16, I was so cynical about life, and good at rationalising bad decisions, I decided f*** it, and ordered Xanax over the internet to take for the next year of school, as I couldn't see myself being able to cope with the pressure of starting a whole new round of classes, especially with only the high-achievers left at school (who tended to be the worst to me, they weren't nerdy). Xanax made me not care about anything, and it was gratifying at first to talk to those testosterone-fuelled bastards without fear. But annoyingly benzos make you stupid, so my retorts weren't witty. I did have a tiny bit of a social life during this time, but it was pretty pathetic, and mostly based around taking crazy amounts of drugs with my drug friends. And it wasn't glamorous druggyness like consuming MDMA and going to raves - more like inhaling nitrous on park benches when there was no house to go to. One time I K-holed in a small forest, and my so-called friend just walked off and left me there, delirious. Great friends.
As you might predict, my benzo (and multiple other psychoactive substances)-fuelled school performance was a massive failure, and I dropped out, and endured the horrible withdrawals for months. But I didn't stop there. Over the next few years I relentlessly tried to chase the happy, hypomanic, relaxed state of mind certain drugs can induce, as a way of coping, and failed several college attempts as a result. The problems were that those kind of feelings don't last, and I was simultaneously addicted to recreational drug use which interfered with life. And the drugs that seriously relax you also tend to make you as stupid as a brick. I did at some point tell my doctor about the anxiety, and my family, but never gave up high-chasing and always considered their meds useless in comparison to euphoric drugs.
Recently, I've given up that way of thinking. I'll only take a drug/medication regularly now if it works long-term in whatever it's supposed to achieve. Like, antidepressants seem to stop me being depressed for as long as I take them, even if the stronger mood lift of the first few months fades away. But drugs like GHB, opiates, amphetamine - their euphoric, hyper-social effects are all but gone before long.
My recreational use and self-medication both ended when I had a psychotic break, from staying up for 4 days on a designer stimulant, then smoking hash, then injecting methoxetamine into my bum. Not my finest moment - the only time I've ever used a needle. It's not the only time I've had bad things come from crazy irresponsible drug use. After I overdosed on GBL one time, I developed seizures, for which I now have to take epilepsy meds which make me less intelligent, and sad. I'm trying to put that way of life behind me.
So as of now, I'm clinically depressed, and suicide is on my mind most days, though I'm not considering doing it for the time being. I think giving up on the notion that something can increase my sense of pleasure reliably, and losing that as a coping mechanism, played a big role. For a long while my motivation and ability to find things interesting has dwindled, to the point where even using the computer takes a lot of effort. This started before I ingested anything mind-altering, and I've never been one to take that much interest in life. But anyway, my psychiatrist has just put me on Prozac. I'm also adding in a few of my own supplements and pharmaceuticals, but only stuff with long term efficacy. And recreationals are out of the picture until at least I'm stable mentally and have my life sorted... Which will be a long time by the looks of things.
All I do is eat, sleep, do stuff on the computer, and hide away in my flat. When the antidepressant kicks in I'm going to try to do a bit more with my life, but the anxiety is too overpowering to take college classes or anything with more than a tiny social interaction requirement. I want a job like delivering stuff, or working in a warehouse. Until I can get educated (probably via distance learning) and do computer programming from home, assuming I don't have a miraculous personality shift overnight.
As an armchair psychiatrist with all the power of Google and Wikipedia, it is my educated opinion that my avoidant-ness developed as a way of coping with the anxiety that comes from trying to integrate socially when I was at my core an absent-minded loner (or someone requiring a great deal of interpersonal distancing) with schizoid personality disorder, or the precursors to it. Whether something in my very early childhood triggered it, rather than genetics, is a mystery. But my Grandma had schizophrenia, which is linked, and descriptions of schizoid PD fit me almost perfectly. And both parents have social anxiety to some degree, one being on an SSRI for it.
If you read that massive wall of text, congrats. If you relate to my woes, I really want to talk to more people with AvPD, so if you want, message me and I'll give you my MSN/Skype/whatever. If you have AvPD AND schizoid PD, even better. Or anything related. And I barely know anyone with these problems locally, it'd be cool for someone from England, the south/south east in particular, to get in touch. I struggle leading conversations, and often am very boring to talk to (“Wow, now I really want to talk to you – especially with the username utterlyinsane!”), but maybe that's because finding people on the same wavelength is hard.
You can probably tell from my slightly weird, egocentric style of writing (lots of "I"s) that I've spent so much time alone, I have become completely self-absorbed.
I live in England, and am 20. Childhood - fairly uneventful, even idyllic you might say. I had enough friends as a lad, and was able to socialise. But there was always something slightly "off". I was, and am, exceedingly shy and introverted. I felt weird and uncomfortable around girls, had even less of an idea what to say to them than guys (well, boys - children aren't exactly "guys"). The girl thing is one example of many milestones growing up that I just didn't achieve, because of anxiety and awkwardness for one thing, but mainly because I just wasn't an emotional enough guy in that way to form connections on that level with people. It's ironic how being way too sensitive can in the end result in you being emotionally braindead.
Another problem I had was with confrontation. I just don't feel rage, definitely not strong enough to fight anyone - verbally or physically. Probably another example of the emotional disconnect. So the few times I got into such situations, I either lost the fight badly (physical) or got upset (verbal), or simply ran away. I don't have the backbone to stand up for myself - never have, probably never will. It's a big character flaw. Whatever drives people to have relationships, and get into fights - I must lack it.
Apart from a limited amount of social anxiety, as a kid I also had bad OCD. It's still here a bit, e.g. blinking my eyes in a pattern, but over the years I've mostly got it under control (probably as my focus shifted to the more pressing matter of massive social embarrassment). But at the time, it was on my mind very often. I had to touch things a certain number of times, walk in an even/odd number of steps, things like that. If I didn't, I felt everything was wrong, felt anxious, etc. Anyway.
It was when I turned 11 that social phobia really shifted gears. Moved to a new school with none of my old friends. The whole environment felt "menacing" and hostile from day one. I'm a chronically fearful introvert afraid of confrontation and unable to connect emotionally. Children are a lot more forgiving to people like me, but once everyone hits puberty and develops the testosterone-fuelled bastard side of human nature, people like me are bound to not fit in and get singled out as losers so they can make themselves feel higher on the food chain. I wasn't bullied that badly though, and would've got anxiety regardless. It started with stuff like public speaking, which I was already shaky on. Then just having people look at me in class, then walking around school or town. And so on. What happened was/is shaking and blushing, accompanied by intense fear breaking into panic at times. It just got worse and worse, and I didn't seek help from a professional or my family due to embarrassment. I can barely even eat at the same table as my family any more.
By the time I was 16, the anxiety was really interfering with my academic performance. I had no friends, no life, and spent all my time hiding at home on the computer. But even that I had stopped enjoying as much, as the constant stress and failure took its toll. After I took my GCSE exams at 16, I was so cynical about life, and good at rationalising bad decisions, I decided f*** it, and ordered Xanax over the internet to take for the next year of school, as I couldn't see myself being able to cope with the pressure of starting a whole new round of classes, especially with only the high-achievers left at school (who tended to be the worst to me, they weren't nerdy). Xanax made me not care about anything, and it was gratifying at first to talk to those testosterone-fuelled bastards without fear. But annoyingly benzos make you stupid, so my retorts weren't witty. I did have a tiny bit of a social life during this time, but it was pretty pathetic, and mostly based around taking crazy amounts of drugs with my drug friends. And it wasn't glamorous druggyness like consuming MDMA and going to raves - more like inhaling nitrous on park benches when there was no house to go to. One time I K-holed in a small forest, and my so-called friend just walked off and left me there, delirious. Great friends.
As you might predict, my benzo (and multiple other psychoactive substances)-fuelled school performance was a massive failure, and I dropped out, and endured the horrible withdrawals for months. But I didn't stop there. Over the next few years I relentlessly tried to chase the happy, hypomanic, relaxed state of mind certain drugs can induce, as a way of coping, and failed several college attempts as a result. The problems were that those kind of feelings don't last, and I was simultaneously addicted to recreational drug use which interfered with life. And the drugs that seriously relax you also tend to make you as stupid as a brick. I did at some point tell my doctor about the anxiety, and my family, but never gave up high-chasing and always considered their meds useless in comparison to euphoric drugs.
Recently, I've given up that way of thinking. I'll only take a drug/medication regularly now if it works long-term in whatever it's supposed to achieve. Like, antidepressants seem to stop me being depressed for as long as I take them, even if the stronger mood lift of the first few months fades away. But drugs like GHB, opiates, amphetamine - their euphoric, hyper-social effects are all but gone before long.
My recreational use and self-medication both ended when I had a psychotic break, from staying up for 4 days on a designer stimulant, then smoking hash, then injecting methoxetamine into my bum. Not my finest moment - the only time I've ever used a needle. It's not the only time I've had bad things come from crazy irresponsible drug use. After I overdosed on GBL one time, I developed seizures, for which I now have to take epilepsy meds which make me less intelligent, and sad. I'm trying to put that way of life behind me.
So as of now, I'm clinically depressed, and suicide is on my mind most days, though I'm not considering doing it for the time being. I think giving up on the notion that something can increase my sense of pleasure reliably, and losing that as a coping mechanism, played a big role. For a long while my motivation and ability to find things interesting has dwindled, to the point where even using the computer takes a lot of effort. This started before I ingested anything mind-altering, and I've never been one to take that much interest in life. But anyway, my psychiatrist has just put me on Prozac. I'm also adding in a few of my own supplements and pharmaceuticals, but only stuff with long term efficacy. And recreationals are out of the picture until at least I'm stable mentally and have my life sorted... Which will be a long time by the looks of things.
All I do is eat, sleep, do stuff on the computer, and hide away in my flat. When the antidepressant kicks in I'm going to try to do a bit more with my life, but the anxiety is too overpowering to take college classes or anything with more than a tiny social interaction requirement. I want a job like delivering stuff, or working in a warehouse. Until I can get educated (probably via distance learning) and do computer programming from home, assuming I don't have a miraculous personality shift overnight.
As an armchair psychiatrist with all the power of Google and Wikipedia, it is my educated opinion that my avoidant-ness developed as a way of coping with the anxiety that comes from trying to integrate socially when I was at my core an absent-minded loner (or someone requiring a great deal of interpersonal distancing) with schizoid personality disorder, or the precursors to it. Whether something in my very early childhood triggered it, rather than genetics, is a mystery. But my Grandma had schizophrenia, which is linked, and descriptions of schizoid PD fit me almost perfectly. And both parents have social anxiety to some degree, one being on an SSRI for it.
If you read that massive wall of text, congrats. If you relate to my woes, I really want to talk to more people with AvPD, so if you want, message me and I'll give you my MSN/Skype/whatever. If you have AvPD AND schizoid PD, even better. Or anything related. And I barely know anyone with these problems locally, it'd be cool for someone from England, the south/south east in particular, to get in touch. I struggle leading conversations, and often am very boring to talk to (“Wow, now I really want to talk to you – especially with the username utterlyinsane!”), but maybe that's because finding people on the same wavelength is hard.
Last edited:
