DownInAHole
Well-known member
I will try to keep this somewhat of a condensed version, as I don't want to write out my entire life story. Basically, in junior high I developed chronic blushing after someone was nice enough to point it out in band. Gradually, it spread into other areas of my life and by the time high school came around it changed me from a happy outgoing kid into a much more reserved, quiet, and anxious person in social situations. I still had friends, but there seemed to me few I actually "let in" to get to know the real me. I battled with anxiety and mild depression all through high school.
After high school I was invigorated and felt I was given a second chance at life. I was done being the "quiet" guy, and was going to become the person I was supposed to be. Things started out well. I had a good summer and met a cute girl (although we didn't end up dating), got a job in retail sales, and started college. I met a bunch of friends at work, went to parties, and really improved my people skills working in sales. I was feeling much more happy and confident
But I just couldn't get rid of the blushing. A random comment by a coworker, suddenly seeing someone I knew, being put at the center of attention, etc pretty much any reason could set it off, so i still had the anxiety in social situations. Work and college were the same. I'd have a good day, but then I'd have a blushing incident and it would ruin my day or week.
I worked a different summer sales job in 2007 that paid really well. After it ended, I made the mistake of not going to back to other regular sales job. I decided to take a bit of time off work while I was in college, and would find something else next quarter. Needless to say that never happened, and I think that's where things started going downhill. That regular forced contact with the public is what built up the confidence I had finally gained after high school.
So I ended up finishing my last 2 years of school without working. In addition, I've now been out of college for over 3 years and still haven't found a stable job. I've worked one but it's only a temporary project based position with long breaks between. Thus, I'm still living at home with my family.
The thing that kills me is all the possible relationships with females I passed on. I mean I've had a few dates, a few hook ups, but never a real relationship and I'm 26. For some reason I always had an excuse not into escalate things in a serious relationship. Excuses like: she parties too much, we just don't click, it wouldn't last, etc. Was this some sort of defense mechanism, because I was scared to let someone get close to me? I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking each time. I think the blushing may have caused me to have avoidant personality disorder.
So I'm 26, single, never had a real relationship, no job, and have had a pretty much non-existent social life the past 3 years. All my closest friends have moved out of the area, got married, grown apart, etc. Things have hit me hard the past 3 years, and I just wanted to know if anyone's gotten out of a rut like this. I've self-medicated with exercise the past few years, but when I slack the depression comes back.
The good thing I've found is that running consistently seems to alleviate a lot of the anxiety and makes me much less prone to blushing. I wish I would have started this sooner :/. In my mind I keep telling myself I've missed out on too much, things will never me normal, etc. I know I need a career and my own place. I just feeling like I'm starting all over with friendships, and the fact that I've never had a relationship seems to hurt me deeply. I used to get by thinking one day things will change, but I sometimes I feel I had my day to change.
After high school I was invigorated and felt I was given a second chance at life. I was done being the "quiet" guy, and was going to become the person I was supposed to be. Things started out well. I had a good summer and met a cute girl (although we didn't end up dating), got a job in retail sales, and started college. I met a bunch of friends at work, went to parties, and really improved my people skills working in sales. I was feeling much more happy and confident
But I just couldn't get rid of the blushing. A random comment by a coworker, suddenly seeing someone I knew, being put at the center of attention, etc pretty much any reason could set it off, so i still had the anxiety in social situations. Work and college were the same. I'd have a good day, but then I'd have a blushing incident and it would ruin my day or week.
I worked a different summer sales job in 2007 that paid really well. After it ended, I made the mistake of not going to back to other regular sales job. I decided to take a bit of time off work while I was in college, and would find something else next quarter. Needless to say that never happened, and I think that's where things started going downhill. That regular forced contact with the public is what built up the confidence I had finally gained after high school.
So I ended up finishing my last 2 years of school without working. In addition, I've now been out of college for over 3 years and still haven't found a stable job. I've worked one but it's only a temporary project based position with long breaks between. Thus, I'm still living at home with my family.
The thing that kills me is all the possible relationships with females I passed on. I mean I've had a few dates, a few hook ups, but never a real relationship and I'm 26. For some reason I always had an excuse not into escalate things in a serious relationship. Excuses like: she parties too much, we just don't click, it wouldn't last, etc. Was this some sort of defense mechanism, because I was scared to let someone get close to me? I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking each time. I think the blushing may have caused me to have avoidant personality disorder.
So I'm 26, single, never had a real relationship, no job, and have had a pretty much non-existent social life the past 3 years. All my closest friends have moved out of the area, got married, grown apart, etc. Things have hit me hard the past 3 years, and I just wanted to know if anyone's gotten out of a rut like this. I've self-medicated with exercise the past few years, but when I slack the depression comes back.
The good thing I've found is that running consistently seems to alleviate a lot of the anxiety and makes me much less prone to blushing. I wish I would have started this sooner :/. In my mind I keep telling myself I've missed out on too much, things will never me normal, etc. I know I need a career and my own place. I just feeling like I'm starting all over with friendships, and the fact that I've never had a relationship seems to hurt me deeply. I used to get by thinking one day things will change, but I sometimes I feel I had my day to change.
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I think it's better to wait just in case of a divorce or something you should always be able to support yourself.