your theories on social difficulties

[arrina]

so what is SA why are some people so naturaly intune to socialising

why Is it so hard to say the right things what are the right things to say.

what is it that makes people so sensitive and or unable to make eye contact go crimson as soon as someone asks a question.

Where does it come from.

Is it something you can get over?

Lets get to the bottom of the problem!

maybe there is a common theme or something we can work with.

maybe write your particular issues.
things that help you.
etc.

I have a theory for example that people subconciously read your uneasyness making it unconfortable for other people to be around you.
anyone else get this feeling?



all theories welcome

 

[redlady]

I for one do not like attracting attention - to my mind attention means putting myself in a position of being a target. That is why it is so hard for me to contribute in any class situation or anything else for that matter - as soon as you open your mouth all eyes are on you and i find it hard to tolerate.

I always thought that not socialising had to do with low self esteem myself - but i know people who have incredibly low self esteem and they are still incredibly out going and confident around people ?? I guess people just have different ways of dealing with things that happen to them - some people withdraw in order to cope and find that being around people is hard - others find that they need other people to cope.

As for my uneasiness and anxiety - i think that people can see it, because to me who is feeling it - it is so apparent. But i have had people tell me that i come off very confident - which i always find shocking to hear. I know that at times i come across as aloof and cold and i have no doubt that puts people off.

 

[Chilling__Echo]

i agree with redlady on the low self esteem part. i think we all are afraid of being seen as inferior... we just need some confidence!! and then our bodies just betray our fears and we are ashamed of our fears... it's a vicious cycle

 

[kiwi]

For me I think the problem is two-fold:

1) I have a natural fear of people. Always have, ever since I was a baby.

2) I'm not good at talking, I always find it hard to think of something to say. This makes being around people uncomfortable which in turn makes me feel like a loser.

I think item 2 is the main problem. If I could fix that then I could overcome my fear of people.

 

[indy]

I think it boils down to a fear of being judged or criticized. I’m not sure where it comes from. Like, I know my dad used to constantly moan about everything I did when I was a kid and my two older brothers used to make fun of everything I said, and that shit hurt, and now, for some psychological reason, I see my dad and my brothers in everybody and it scares me and I just wanna do whatever I can to avoid the pain.

But the big dilemma for me always comes in the form of an invitation to a party or something social and wondering whether to go or not. Cause on the one hand, if I go I’ll feel like a fake…like I’m trying to be “normal” and fit in, when it’s not really what I want to do or who I am, and plus if I go I’ll be very scared and probably make other people uncomfortable too….but on the other hand, if I stay home I feel like a chicken, and I feel alone, and I feel like a bit of a scrooge really, like I have no love or care for my neighbours.

After 10 years of having SA I still haven’t figured out what to do in this situation. Although, lately I’ve been edging towards a possible solution…which is to just tell people my dilemma…just tell people I have SA, and I know it’s irrational, but do you mind if I miss the party. I think [I hope] this might work for me.

 

[nicola_maire]

i think it comes under these things.

have you ever found yourself seeing the situation through someone elses eyes? or trying to think what there thinking? like your having a brief conversation and rather than being engaged in the conversation, the actual topic, your thinking 'i must look like a right twat, she/he proberly thinks that, look her eyes looked to the left' and then after thinking that, you try and find the proff, which infact isnt prof your just putting your own meaning to the situation? i think that is a common one.

and the worst is being your own psychtherapist, psychoanalysising yourself. ok so you walk into the shop and buy a news paper, the man at the till doesnt say anything to you, and looks very off putting. there is nothing more to the situation, just the fact u bought a news paper, the man was miserable, and you walked out. now you go home, how many people would look for the reason of why the man was miserable, you play this event over and over, analyis and analyis until your conclusion is, he must of thought i was a horrible person, coz he must think people who wear reebok trainers are scum, and you dont think that he is proberly miserable becasue of something in his personal life, i think we give are selfs to much importance when we think everybody is thinking something bad about us, im sure they have there own lifes to think about. i know the example was abit crude, but how many people do something similair?


and under that, is caring to much about how other people see you, you forget to see how u perseve others, i found myself wanting to be like someone i usualy dont like, and thinking they were better than me becasue i thought so little of myself, not becasue they actualy are better than me, in return im not better than them.

so in conclusion i think social phobia forms through bad habbits of how you read situations. moine started on something quite small, which wasnt at the time, but it made me think the way i saw things was wrong, and everybody else was right, and i carried this on for two years, i am currently on prozac for depression, but most of my issues are gone now, thanks to fighting the above, hope this was ok.
nicola xxxx

 

[arrina]

For me I think the problem is two-fold:

1) I have a natural fear of people. Always have, ever since I was a baby.

2) I'm not good at talking, I always find it hard to think of something to say. This makes being around people uncomfortable which in turn makes me feel like a loser.

I think item 2 is the main problem. If I could fix that then I could overcome my fear of people.

I think this is totally the same problem i have. I just stay quiet some times because when i do say something people sometimes look at me funny and I hate that.