Will's Journal

[Thundercats]

I've decided to start this journal after someone suggested it to me and it seemed like a good idea. Even if no one ever reads it, it'll be my way of dealing with my pain. I think I need to introduce myself, because not everyone knows me. My name's Will, i'm 15 years old and I live in the UK. I've suffered from severe social anxiety ever since I started school and at one point the anxiety was so bad I didn't speak to anyone for two years. Ever since then i've been trying to become more confident but it's been hard. I mean, the majority of people I know have been far from supportive, but if I can just be friends with at least one person, and have one person to speak to i'll be happy. In the future I'll be posting my day by day thoughts, feelings and progress on this journal, so at least I have somewhere to turn to. I'm not asking for acceptance, but just for people to at least be understanding.

 

[Anomaly]

if I can just be friends with at least one person, and have one person to speak to i'll be happy

I think this is a sound way of approaching things. Good luck.

 

[EscapeArtist]

You seem very level headed and brave to me. Especially at 15. I'm really glad that you decided to post a journal, they are very helpful not just for expressing yourself aloud but for practicing expressing all types of thoughts and feelings to people, putting your feelings out there.

 

[Thundercats]

Well here goes with my first journal entry. I've just got back from school and i'm glad it's the weekend now to be honest, I don't feel like facing people at the moment. Today I tried to interact with people as little as possible and during breaktimes I avoided my friends and just stayed in the library. I view them as my friends, but i never see them outside of school, they're just people who hang out with me because they feel sorry for me.

But i'm happier today than I was yesterday because I stayed up late on my laptop talking to my friend Dimitri, and I spoke about the future with him and he encouraged me to get a hobby. So i've decided i'm going to start playing the guitar. I'll ask my parents if I can get a guitar for my birthday. But they'll probably say no because they never get me anything. Maybe i'll start saving up for one myself, and start saving up for a new laptop too. Anyway, thanks Dimitri for staying up to speak to me and I love you man.

 

[Darryl]

Gday Will15,

I wish I was as brave as you at 15.
I did write a personal journal on here some time ago and they are amazing specially when you go back and see your journey.

Darryl

 

[Thundercats]

Gday Will15,

I wish I was as brave as you at 15.
I did write a personal journal on here some time ago and they are amazing specially when you go back and see your journey.

Darryl

Thanks Darryl.

 

[Thundercats]

Even though staying at home for the weekend always makes me bored, it's way better than interacting with people. I don't have to speak to anyone, not even my parents if I avoid them, for two days. Two days of complete peace. Just what I need after the week i've had. I'm not going to leave my room again today, i'll just listen to music or do whatever.

 

[Thundercats]

A bit of 'me time' is definitely important. It sounds like you've had a tough week, I hope that a break does you good, and that you're already beginning to feel the healing powers of time

Thanks, and I am feeling better than I was a few days ago and i'm happy i've got a bit of time now to relax. I know next week at school won't be easy, but i'm going to get through it just like I got through last week.

 

[DimBulb]

Hi Will.

I bet you anxiety is nothing when compared to my avoidant behavior and anxiety. Once, when i was 15 a relative of mine along with her daughter came on a visit. I was so anxious/scared especially with her daughter, about 14 years of age, that i ran from my home and hid in a shed in our rubber plantation/estate. I came back home after 6 hours, well to get a good bout of scolding and ridicule.

Anyways i will be following your journal and best of luck.

 

[Thundercats]

Hi Will.

I bet you anxiety is nothing when compared to my avoidant behavior and anxiety. Once, when i was 15 a relative of mine along with her daughter came on a visit. I was so anxious/scared especially with her daughter, about 14 years of age, that i ran from my home and hid in a shed in our rubber plantation/estate. I came back home after 6 hours, well to get a good bout of scolding and ridicule.

Anyways i will be following your journal and best of luck.

Thanks for being supportive. That avoidant behaviour sounds similar to mine so you're not alone with that. I remember at christmas when I was in the house with my relatives I locked myself in the toilet all day with my nintendo DS so I wouldn't have to speak to anyone or thank them for getting me things.

 

[Thundercats]

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow at all, I don't want to face anyone. But I suppose my anxiety will just get worse if I never face anyone. I keep feeling my social skills are improving but then when it comes to a social situation I just don't say anything. The things that I try to improve my social skills just don't seem to be working. I actually seem to be becoming more introvert.

Earlier on my online friend helped me a bit by telling me that if I just read things out loud to myself in my bedroom it's good practice for talking to people. Well, i've been practising, and i'll just have to see tomorrow if things are any easier for me. But i'm not sure things will be easier. Nothing's ever worked for me in the past, and people are very intimidating and make it hard for me to try to talk to them. Especially when they don't hear what I say when I speak too quietly, which always happens when I speak.

Right now i'm going to prepare myself for tomorrow and then find some time to relax. I'm quite tired too but i'll probably have trouble sleeping again tonight.

 

[Thundercats]

Maybe the goals i'm setting myself are too big. I'll try and take things more slowly. My online friend told me that maybe people might react weirdly if i'm more talkative than usual. I'm grateful to him for helping me with this and also I want to wish him good luck in his exams. Remember that I believe in you Dimitri and you can do well.

 

[Thundercats]

I didn't sleep at all last night, and today instead of trying to talk to people like I was aiming for I deliberately ignored everyone. I don't feel like interacting with people, they won't even like me if I do, they'll still treat me like i'm useless or invisible.

 

[Thundercats]

I've just done the Myers-Briggs personality test. These are my results:

Introverted- 100%
Intuitive- 38%
Feeling- 50%
Perceiving- 28%

You are:

very expressed introvert
moderately expressed intuitive personality
moderately expressed feeling personality
moderately expressed perceiving personality

 

[Darryl]

Hey Will,

You don't have to talk to every one, and you don't have to deliberately ignore people.

Just say "hi and ask how there going" to those who look your way.

By ignoring won't help you and I sure its not a nice feeling when its done to you.

Make these small postive steps- kind of start with hello and a smile.
Teach yourself as your confidence grows how to handle social situtations

 

[Thundercats]

Hey Will,

You don't have to talk to every one, and you don't have to deliberately ignore people.

Just say "hi and ask how there going" to those who look your way.

By ignoring won't help you and I sure its not a nice feeling when its done to you.

Make these small postive steps- kind of start with hello and a smile.
Teach yourself as your confidence grows how to handle social situtations

Thanks for the advice. But I had a situation today where I wish I could have talked but I didn't. There's a new girl in my English class and today she had nowhere to sit, because all of the other chairs were taken and i'm the only person who sits by themself. So the teacher told her to sit next to me. She said hi to me but I couldn't reply so I just smiled and kind of looked down. And throughout that lesson there were opportunities when I could have talked to her but I didn't, I just sat there not saying anything. She seemed like a nice girl too, she had a really sweet voice. So i'm kinda dissappointed with myself at the moment.

 

[coyote]

I've just done the Myers-Briggs personality test. These are my results:

Introverted- 100%
Intuitive- 38%
Feeling- 50%
Perceiving- 28%

You are:

very expressed introvert
moderately expressed intuitive personality
moderately expressed feeling personality
moderately expressed perceiving personality

INFP - me too!!

we must be alot alike

 

[Thundercats]

That's a shame, the new girl was probably quite nervous and would probably have appreciated the conversation. Not that I don't understand why you kept quiet, but perhaps you could use the disappointment you have in yourself over it to make an effort with her if you see her again. If you have the chance, perhaps you could just say, "How are you settling in?" or something. It'll make you feel better, as well as help her out.

Maybe i'll do that next time I see her, but like I said, it is hard.

 

[Darryl]

Maybe i'll do that next time I see her, but like I said, it is hard.

Got to admit when we tackle something hard, the reward is H U G E.

Just look up from your desk with a hello.

You don't have to carry out any full on conversations, just a look up- smile- and Hi, how you going?

That's a warm welcome to a new student and one step forward for you