Wife with Social Anxiety

[Pike]

I need advice, and there's not much help out there for people who care for those with social anxiety, so I thought I'd try here.

I have been with my beautiful wife for over ten years. I knew she was very sensitive when I met her, but I thought that if I was supportive and caring I could help her overcome her issues and be the person she has always said she wants to be. I think it has had the opposite effect.

After I came along she started letting me handle the things she found difficult to do. She is now very dependent on me, and even more sensitive than she used to be. I am always reassuring her, and there's a lot of things that we can't do that I would like to do. It happened so gradually I didn't even realize it was happening.

She has always said she wants to change, and she wishes she wasn't so negative about herself, but she's never really done anything about it. It's always been me setting up appointments, making sure she takes her medication - whatever. If I stop, she loses interest.

She knows she has social anxiety, but she hates that label and has never reached out to the support community in any way. She has been on medication before with good results, but she always goes off it because she's embarrassed to have to take it. She's very private and doesn't feel comfortable going to a therapist, or joining a support group. When I try to talk to her about it she gets defensive or starts crying. I don't know what to do anymore.

Recently she announced that she wants to have children. I've waited a long time to hear that because children are very important to me, and we have always put them off because she said she wasn't ready. At first I was elated, but then I started to worry. I don't want to end up basically being a single parent. I have to do so much for her already I don't know if I could take on the added burden of a child on my own. She tells me that having a child will force her to get out into the world, and face situations that will help make her tougher. It's a good theory, but I don't know.

So I have two questions. The first is, do you have any advice for helping my wife?

My other question is, have any of you had children, and did it make a positive impact on your life? Did it help you to deal with your social anxiety?

I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks.

 

[Anonymous]

ok

you can help her i personally think, that if she wants to stay at home just say its cool and its not a huge problem a lot of people dont like people, bring her gifts for the home maybe she will take up knitting or something (ok maybe silly example) but you get my point you could have a friend around 1 on one that does the same thing then maybe some alcohol and a darn good night with new friend take it slowly. and kids is a great idea they can snap you out of anything

 

[symbiosis]

Hi there, what an interesting but tricky post!

I lived at home until I was 32 (yikes, I know!), and didn't work until late 20s, spent most of my youth and early twenties harassing my mother about what was so 'wrong' with me - neither of us knew....My point I'm getting to, is that I sometimes felt that if she pushed me too much, I would rebel and not want to carry out her suggestions (stupid, I know). Even though you are her husband and not a parental figure, maybe she feels (even unconsciously) that you are 'telling her what to do'. Perhaps you need to back off a bit and when you suggest something, put the ball back in her court - ask, what do you think about that? Do you have any other suggestions that may work better for you....she probably needs to have ownership of what is happening for her a bit more.

I reckon it would be REALLY DIFFICULT to watch a loved one with SP - they can be helped somewhat by a supportive person, but ultimately it is their life and they need to fight SP themselves, by taking action, being determined and not giving up - which is hard, but hopefully character building...

Geez, I don't know about children, I've had huge fear about passing on SP and probably won't have any. I reckon having children is challenging enough for anyone, let alone a SP. I'm sure my father has had it all his life, and it has definitely had a large impact on his in/ability to be an effective parent. I know this is probably not very encouraging, but children don't ask to be born, and deserve 'whole' parents who can be really effective. Perhaps she should achieve a few goals of her own first, towards fighting SP, then think about having children.

Cheers, Symbiosis

Hope this helps?!

 

[rubius]

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[Anonymous]

whoah good post rubius. il have what hes having.

 

[LilMissTragic]

Not trying to put a dampener on things here but your wife is going to try at some point. It seems your going to have to wean her off being so dependant on you because when your children are of age and your at work, whos going to take them to the doctors, whos going to take them to school and stuff. Start now, slowly obviously. Coax her without pressure but shes really going to have to deped on herself at some point. It can be done, I'm living proof. Sure I cant do the party thing and stuff but I do take my neice and nephew out to the park and once in a while to the shops...though not a good idea to take them clothes shopping, Its hell..HELL I SAY!!!!

 

[-Jp]

first i would recommend this book: Painfully Shy

this book will help you better understand your wife and how to deal with her avoidance behavior, among other things
This book also will be a good read for your wife although for self help
a better recomendation would be Dying of embarrasment from the same author

basicly what the book sais is Not to take over her responsabilty's
Let her answer the phone or get bread from the bakery once for example.
the important thing is not to push her to but comfort her with the process because she will most likely be worrying about the situation. also let her know you still love her no matter what happens because she might worry that if she fails you will disaprove of her.

Good luck to you and your wife :wink: