Why we resist solutions to Social Anxiety?

[samana]

If you understand that everyone is in their own world and what they see is true for them, you can also understand why it is so difficult to accept that things are different to how they appear. Their ideas and thoughts of themselves, their world and others are true for them but not necessarily for others.

Pride and attachment to what others think are two biggies for most people who suffer from SA/SP because it is largely based on perceived qualities of oneself and others. They see me differently why dont they share my view? They think bad of me, why are they so wrong? Whats wrong with me, why dont they see me for who i am? Our pride makes us unhelpable because we feel that others dont see us the way we see ourself and that bothers us. We care what people think of us, this is so apparent, yet we always think we are right.

The truth is of course our view cannot be correct at present because we still experience anxiety. So everyone is our teacher revealing to us in a subtle way what our truth really is, how we view our world. And that truth is that we haven't really got a clue, if we did, we wouldn't suffer as much. So we should choose to be open minded and loosen our grip on 'our own' reality.

Er....no. Not even close, big guy. This is wrong on so many levels, I'm not even going to try to formulate a rebuttal.

Jamesmorgan is completely on the ball with this, and even if he wasn't, what is your purpose for posting if you have nothing to say? Atleast have the dignity to call him out on what you think is off. Nothing more insensitive in my opinion than finding people to insult on a social phobia board. Anyways, what James is talking about, I refer to it as the 'sunglass' effect- in other words, everyone has on a different shade of sunglasses, the world is not the same to any one person, ever. And I totally agree with the pride and attachment- you put it very clearly. It's so true that we can look to other people's 'sunglasses' and learn some new truth once in awhile to add to our own personal view of the world.

 

[charlieHungerford]

If you understand that everyone is in their own world and what they see is true for them, you can also understand why it is so difficult to accept that things are different to how they appear. Their ideas and thoughts of themselves, their world and others are true for them but not necessarily for others.

Pride and attachment to what others think are two biggies for most people who suffer from SA/SP because it is largely based on perceived qualities of oneself and others. They see me differently why dont they share my view? They think bad of me, why are they so wrong? Whats wrong with me, why dont they see me for who i am? Our pride makes us unhelpable because we feel that others dont see us the way we see ourself and that bothers us. We care what people think of us, this is so apparent, yet we always think we are right.

The truth is of course our view cannot be correct at present because we still experience anxiety. So everyone is our teacher revealing to us in a subtle way what our truth really is, how we view our world. And that truth is that we haven't really got a clue, if we did, we wouldn't suffer as much. So we should choose to be open minded and loosen our grip on 'our own' reality.

Er....no. Not even close, big guy. This is wrong on so many levels, I'm not even going to try to formulate a rebuttal.

Jamesmorgan is completely on the ball with this, and even if he wasn't, what is your purpose for posting if you have nothing to say? Atleast have the dignity to call him out on what you think is off. Nothing more insensitive in my opinion than finding people to insult on a social phobia board. Anyways, what James is talking about, I refer to it as the 'sunglass' effect- in other words, everyone has on a different shade of sunglasses, the world is not the same to any one person, ever. And I totally agree with the pride and attachment- you put it very clearly. It's so true that we can look to other people's 'sunglasses' and learn some new truth once in awhile to add to our own personal view of the world.

Totally agree Samana, there is nothing worse than posting something and someone saying 'You're wrong' and not explaining what is wrong. Its extremely arrogant. Put yourself in the same situation ignisfatuus - if you wrote a message about SA theory and I come along and say 'You are wrong big guy', maybe I could add a smiley face just to piss you off even more.

I thought James' post was really good, but I wasn't sure exactly what James meant by we really haven't got a clue. Are we talking about subconscious or conscious? But the logic was very true - these social situations in which we are anxious in, are in reality irrelevant and harmless, they really are nothing (I remember my days before SA and situations which I now fear had no thoughts attached to them - it was as if they were just normal natural things) so something is very wrong to make such simple things seem so fearful. When we see other people in the situations we fear we don't think oh my god that is so daring and brave that they are doing that, we can see that for others its not even an issue. Most situations we are anxious in just require speaking and being yourself, I think we can all speak, there surely is nothing easier than just being yourself, we can all think of something half decent to say. So the reality is that if we feel anxiety in social situations, then there is something wrong with how we are seeing things and looking at the world in that mindset is wrong. We are placing importance on things that are not important, we are believing we are in danger when we are not, we are seeing things in a way we shouldn't.

But at the same time I see my problems as deep rooted subconscious beliefs, however consciously I know that these subconscious beliefs and fears are flawed and have developed over many many years into being so real in my mind. Consciously I can see and understand they are wrong even when they are happening and that is what I mean by 'we haven't a clue?' And that is why I see some people's suggestions to overcoming SA and I can see they are not relevant for me to alter these subconscious beliefs which are causing my problems.

I told my friend at work yesterday about my fear of public speaking and the traumatic experience that triggered it off. He said that was 14 years ago, half your life ago, that has to be put to bed, erased from your mind in order to move on and not see these situations in that way. I was so anxious because I always received ridicule over a speech impediment which has now gone, but I was so self conscious and anxious about speaking out loud for the fear of ridicule which made me just freeze and couldn't get my words out. And that traumatic event is how my mind sees my abilities and my beliefs of how scary and bad public speaking is. Funnily I was watching a tv programme this morning where they were interviewing someone who was in his 20s and the host said here is picture of you at 13 years old, you must have received some ridicule for that hair cut, because kids that age ridicule anyone for any slightest little thing. That was really interesting hearing some really respected celebrity say that, because I always believed in the past that I got ridiculed because I really was not good enough and something majorly wrong with me. Kind of shows that my beliefs on what that ridicule meant was totally wrong. It backs up what James says - we are not in a position to believe what we think really is true and real because a lot of our beliefs we have are just wrong, exaggerated, irrational - and we don't realise it. If loads of people tell you there is something very wrong with having a flaw in your appearance or way you speak, you believe it is true, you believe that negative view as being real, but its not. I had a friend who had big ears and was so insecure that he has always had long hair ever since school days because everyone seemed to ridicule him and tease him. But his ears were fine, didn't make any difference. But what he sees as being real and that they are such a problem is wrong. I think all of our thinking behind our problems are wrong, we need to learn the truth on these things to put things right.

I probably have gone off on a tangent here, but just wanted to back up what James has wrote because I think his posts have been fantastic.

 

[JamesMorgan]

I really feel that what ignisfatuus has said is completely acceptable, i loved it, in fact lets look a little more closely...

You have choice in how you react and how you respond.

You dont always have to give your opinion. Those who react negatively to somone elses opinions are limiting their own development from seeing the truth. Let me explain.

Take someone who has SA. They may not very well speak much at all but in their heart they really want to share their opinon. If we realised how much that person with SA had suffered so much pain and has little freedom to communicate, surely we'd be a little more understanding? This does not mean we pity people or patronise them, this means we need to understand their world, how they see things. We dont need to respond in a negative way increasing the power of their SA and disabling there refuge in Social Phobia World - this is a place of healing is it not? Anyone here should be able to express themselves. And we should set an example not by finding faults with others but by helping them

No offence was taken in what was said, maybe i am wrong, in fact, currently i know im wrong because anxiety is still present, however, the way i see it and overcome it is my truth and what i feel i know will eventually help me overcome it. I need to learn from everyone, essentially how others induce in me a reaction.

Take for example people who may appear to belittle others on this site or who only appear to have negative things to contribute. What world are they in? An unpleasant one, surely? So, common sense really says, 'there's no need to gang up on them and make them feel they need to say anything more than what they have said', again thats how they feel, lets understand such people because surely they have suffered the same anxiety we have suffered??

Messages on this board are a reflection of the mind state of that person, which in no direct way has anything to do with anyone else, it just seems that way.

So, lets all recognise we all get it wrong from time to time, no big deal. We are all here to help each other.

James

 

[spdiegoguy]

I think the analogy would be being afraid to look in the mirror and seeing the truth. People, in general, have this problem and our (social phobics)emphasis is based on social situations. Alot of times, due to fears, we are afraid to take the next step, even though we know it'll better our lives. Our defense mechanisms will blind the truth and distort our way of thinking to suit our comfort level. Overweight people often make excuses such as having bad genes, no time to exercise, or no time to eat in a healthy manner. But the truth is they are not wiling to put in the hours at the gym or the discipline to eat consciously. They will, however, fork out some cash for diet pills and books. That's sort of the way I see people who use anti-depressants (no offense). It's a common pattern for people to go for short term pleasures versus long term. The same mentality goes for the people out there that think negatively in social situations. Perhaps you see a cute guy or girl, maybe the person of your dreams; but you won't create an opportunity because you're thinking, "He/she probably wouldn't like me anyways." "Oh, that person looks like a snob/conceited." The truth is that you are afraid to talk to them. Maybe it's due to the fear of rejection. But back to the point, I agree with the OP that we have a problem of acceptance and that it is the first step to getting better.