Why i can't talk with other people..

[X-Rated]

Well my problem isn't necessarily that i can't have a conversation , I mean I can have small talk and all of that but i can't go further from there and so nothing happens and we just remain aquaintances...
Why is that you may ask? Well because of two reasons:
1. I don't have many interests( except from reading and i recently joined the gym) and this mainly because i get bored too quickly when i'm doing smth
2. WHat i`ve noticed is that most people talk about their experiences( what party they have been to and stuff like that, which girl they tried to hook up with) and about other people(not necessarily gossiping). Well i can't really talk about other people because i don't know many and although i`ve been to a few parties ,i just can't blend in ,I just don't feel comfortable . It would be overeacting if I were to say that i ddin't meet new persons at there...Well, I did but I dind't try to get their phone number or messenger id so nothing happened.,,
Again, why is that? Well, becaue of the reasons from above obviously. In fact , i don't own a facebook account and rarely even log in into my messsenger because i really can;t talk online, it seems too unatural.
Another reason why i can't make friends is because of a subconscious fear that they'll find out that i'm a loner and don't have friends and so on. I know it seems like a stupid thought but the city where i live is not that big and believe me that a lot of people that i know have talked my back...
So yea i`m pretty much f**ed lol....Who has the same problems?

 

[Cyanide2601]

Im not sure if this is the same as you but i will tell you anyway.
I have very little to talk about with people i dont know, or maybe i do, but i completely blank on anything relevant or valid to say. When someone speaks to me i can attempt to chat, provided its a one on one conversation, but i find that once they discover im not normal, they no longer care.
Practically everyone knows each other where i live, so by now i feel likes it too late to even try.

 

[bsammy]

well many people here share your problem.being very introverted and having social anxiety/depression makes it incredibly difficult to make and maintain relationships.problems are.

1-low social interest.we tend to not be interested in other people that often and even if we are, the anxiety might prevent us from talking to them or enjoying it.
2-we dont have many hobbies or much of a social life or any so that makes it difficult to keep conversations going.most people talk about what they do on a daily basis but if we are doing the same dull things every day, not much to talk about.i am running into this problem again and again and i have good social skills but very little life experiences to talk about.unless i just stand there and ask the other person questions about their life, im going to run out of things to say.
3-social endurance..im not sure about you guys but my social endurance is very low..i simply cannot talk to others for that long especially if its everyday 'chit chat' which most conversations are..i get more than enough at work so this leaves me basically screwed the rest of the time..the solution to this is..? no clue.
4-lack of hobbies/interests..i admit most things normal people do bore me as well.tbh i only enjoy a few things in this life so that makes it that much harder to have friends and keep them or even make them..in the past i remember being with friends and doing things and i had to FAKE it like i actually enjoyed it just to appear normal..it really sucked..

^a few somewhat solutions is to just socialize thru internet PMs/facebook or texts.problem is, friends usually wish to be around each other once in awhile or often so..

find people with your interests and this seems like common sense but my hobbies are solitary basically.id rather do them by myself for the most part but could tolerate company once in awhile.

so yeah im screwed as well as this problem has no easy answers.it really sucks being this way

 

[bsammy]

cyanide-im the same way, i can put on a great social front or mask for a very short time but when people get to know me, they find out im not normal and in fact, quite abnormal and boring.i dont have much to say tbh as i live inside my head.i keep to myself so WHY would someone want to include me and get to know me tbh?extreme loners dont make for good friends.besides yeah im 35 and trying to break into new social circles seems like an impossible task for the most part.

 

[Cyanide2601]

bsammy
I know how you feel about the impossibility of breaking into social circles. I want nothing more than a tight group of friends, who i can just call up and do something with. But its something i have never had, and feel that its something i will never have.
There are a few people who really know me, and they say that i am kind, interesting with a good dry sense of humour. But these are people i have known practically my whole life. It kills me that i cant just show everyone that side of myself. Instead all they see is a timid bore.

 

[bsammy]

well about the only consolation i can give is that most normal people really dont have exciting lives either.it consists of working, taking care of kids, housework, blah blah.that said, most of our lives are still boring in comparison

 

[SilverSky]

I find that the fact I haven't had a real "career" going for me, I don't have much to talk about because the first thing they ask is what I do for a living. If not that, they talk about partying and drinking and hooking up which, as a married non-drinker, does not apply to me. I actually try to ask people about what they enjoy doing and t.v. shows they like so we can talk about them, but no one ever asks what I enjoy as far as hobbies. Our conversation goes "What do you do for a living?" the truth is I had to leave 2 jobs in a year because of social anxiety and panic attacks, but I say "Oh nothing right now, trying to find the right thing." they go "Hmm." and walk away o_o

 

[coyote]

Our conversation goes "What do you do for a living?" the truth is I had to leave 2 jobs in a year because of social anxiety and panic attacks, but I say "Oh nothing right now, trying to find the right thing." they go "Hmm." and walk away o_o

to me, that's indicative of a shortcoming on THEIR part, not yours

they're the ones who can't think of anything else to talk about except their job or yours

perhaps they have empty lives, and work is all they know

pity them

feel good about yourself for having more in your life than a paycheck

 

[bsammy]

i agree with coyote if a person as as shallow as that, u dont need to be around them or waste time talking to them.

it is strange as 95% of conversations i have with people is ME asking THEM questions about their lives.hmm, i think this is in part due to people just enjoyign talking about themselves and 2, maybe im not that interesting or people simply dont care?

i have a job but personally i find work and sports/weather talk to be beyond boring.

 

[SilverSky]

These people typically, are members of my husband's family who I have met. There is always a new cousin or aunt who wants to visit, yet they ask about my job or lack there of, then stop talking to me. I thought it was rude, but my husband said it's in my head and therefore a problem of mine..but I guess it's not just me who finds it rude if you guys do too....the only things they've tried to talk to me about is 1. Jobs 2.Money 3. How much money we pay for things. As a person who grew up in poverty, I'd take talking about real interests and hobbies over money any day. I care more about who people are than what they do. But in this family, I am the only one who feels that way. I have no idea how to talk to these people...

 

[SilverSky]

Bsammy, that is weird that you have to spend so much time asking people about themselves...you'd think it should be back and forth, you ask something and they ask something and they'd actually try but I guess it's easier for them just to talk about themselves, not exactly fair. I don't think it's that you are not interesting, maybe it's just them that doesn't know how to hold a conversation.

 

[X-Rated]

well many people here share your problem.being very introverted and having social anxiety/depression makes it incredibly difficult to make and maintain relationships.problems are.

1-low social interest.we tend to not be interested in other people that often and even if we are, the anxiety might prevent us from talking to them or enjoying it.
2-we dont have many hobbies or much of a social life or any so that makes it difficult to keep conversations going.most people talk about what they do on a daily basis but if we are doing the same dull things every day, not much to talk about.i am running into this problem again and again and i have good social skills but very little life experiences to talk about.unless i just stand there and ask the other person questions about their life, im going to run out of things to say.
3-social endurance..im not sure about you guys but my social endurance is very low..i simply cannot talk to others for that long especially if its everyday 'chit chat' which most conversations are..i get more than enough at work so this leaves me basically screwed the rest of the time..the solution to this is..? no clue.
4-lack of hobbies/interests..i admit most things normal people do bore me as well.tbh i only enjoy a few things in this life so that makes it that much harder to have friends and keep them or even make them..in the past i remember being with friends and doing things and i had to FAKE it like i actually enjoyed it just to appear normal..it really sucked..

^a few somewhat solutions is to just socialize thru internet PMs/facebook or texts.problem is, friends usually wish to be around each other once in awhile or often so..

find people with your interests and this seems like common sense but my hobbies are solitary basically.id rather do them by myself for the most part but could tolerate company once in awhile.

so yeah im screwed as well as this problem has no easy answers.it really sucks being this way

1,2, 4 definitely define me...are u my brother or smth?

 

[coyote]

....the only things they've tried to talk to me about is 1. Jobs 2.Money 3. How much money we pay for things. As a person who grew up in poverty, I'd take talking about real interests and hobbies over money any day. I care more about who people are than what they do. But in this family, I am the only one who feels that way. I have no idea how to talk to these people...

sounds like my own family

that's one of the reasons why i just stopped trying to talk to them

maybe they're different now

i'd like to reconnect, but i don't know how

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Another reason why i can't make friends is because of a subconscious fear that they'll find out that i'm a loner and don't have friends and so on.

Yes. This. This fear is often the reason why I don't seek out new friends. I fear they will see I am a loner. And a loser. And who would want to hang out with someone like that? Other outsiders that's who, haha. I have been meeting the wrong kinds of people for me. I need to meet like-minded individuals. They don't have to have social phobia or be depressed, but we do have to have a similar perspective. I don't come across such people in real life often; these people, my people, we all seem to hang out online -_-

There are a few people who really know me, and they say that i am kind, interesting with a good dry sense of humour. But these are people i have known practically my whole life. It kills me that i cant just show everyone that side of myself. Instead all they see is a timid bore.

I hate that! I hate it when my nerves get the best of me and I am all meek and stupid in social situations. It makes me feel so small. I know I could be fine...if I could just be myself. Well, at least we have this awareness now. It means we can start practicing being ourselves with more people until it becomes automatic. Or something.

well about the only consolation i can give is that most normal people really dont have exciting lives either.it consists of working, taking care of kids, housework, blah blah.

Very true. Everyone has problems. Normal or not. That is life. When I think about that it makes me realize how I am not really alone and we are all connected: we are in it together. It comforts me knowing that, but I forget so easily.

I find that the fact I haven't had a real "career" going for me, I don't have much to talk about because the first thing they ask is what I do for a living.

That question shuts me up like no other, and sadly it is the first question people ask. Why, oh, why? Family members are so fond of asking...as well as friends I am catching up with....It is a perfectly normal question, I know. But when you have nothing going in that department and are feeling like crap because of it, well, I am like a computer and basically just shut down at that point, and I lose all interest in socializing with that person because they have made me uncomfortable. I realize I can't keep doing that though. I used to lie and say I was doing x, but I don't want to lie anymore because that makes me feel silly and they probably know I am lying anyway. So my new approach is to tell them I am not working but am interested in working so if they have any leads to let me know. Perfectly normal response I think. And it could actually help me too. I do need a network. If they walk away then that is on them and not me.

feel good about yourself for having more in your life than a paycheck

I would feel good if that were true! LOL...but that is what I am working on: having a paycheck and a life. It will happen!

 

[bushwick]

Well... I am absolutely the same as X-Rated...100%. No interest in people arround me at all.. well in 99.9% of the cases... also fear being arround them. Well in some ways.. it makes my life really monotonous and boring...

 

[bsammy]

razzle dazzle-ok lets be brutally honest here.pretedn you are a normal person, would you want to be around someone that is socially phobic and depressed much of the time?it makes me cringe typing this because its hits home, hard!but i put myself in my friends shoes in the past, i never wanted to go out much or do much, was often in a crappy or sullen mood.sure, they cared and tried to cheer me up and often i would fake being happy to begin with..but in all honesty, it gets very old trying to beg someone to come out and do stuff.or if you do they are bored or depressed so i dont blame normal folks for not wanting to be around us, i really dont.

that leaves us to meet people at avoidant support groups or similar functions.we dont have many other options tbh.even if we did meet someone like us at these groups, how would it be hanging out?

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

I totally get what you are saying. The caveat is that we have to be working on our problems. Otherwise it would get old fast. It is quite overwhelming dealing with someone who is down all the time. But if we are making an effort, people see that, and it makes all the difference.