Hi Jinxed,
Well, to be honest you sound like me a while ago - you seem so insecure about your looks that I get the impression that you are too ashamed to even say it, if I am wrong I am sorry, but I felt like that - I felt I couldn't possibly tell people even on a forum that I feel so bad about the way I look because everyone will judge me badly on the forum - even though they don't know me. Is that true? If it is true - you need to realise how damaging it is to think that this is so shameful to even say. Have you ever thought how you must think about yourself in order to be confident and to not be self conscious at all? You know that in order to feel like that your looks will not be an issue, you won't be self conscious because you will accept you look the way you do, you will accept any flaws, you may realise you may not be perfect, but it won't stop you from being you - you will have confidence in yourself as being a person who deserves things that any other human deserves.
I mean for you to think its such a shameful thing (if you currently do) is so unfair on yourself, you are unique just like anybody else, you are just human, you weren't meant to be perfect looking, very few really are, just watch tv for a few minutes and see how many people look beautiful and how many don't look beautiful. Look at people and think if you looked in the mirror and looked like them - what you be insecure about any of the appearance you see? The average person is just average looking, have things about themselves they are not happy with. You have to realise that you are no different from the average person! You have got to start working on desensitising your insecurities about the way you look and one of the biggest things you need to do is to realise it doesn't make you any less a person than anybody else. You can only look your best and you need to realise that as long as you look your best then you should never ever feel self conscious about your looks, because that is who you are, there is nothing more you can do! That is you and if someone doesn't like you for who you really are then you have to think about what that means?
Lets take 3 instances - and lets pretend we can read each other's minds so that we both know what we are thinking. Imagine we both worked at the same company, but worked in different offices and we either walked past each other and looked at each other or if you had to collect some documents from me and had to ask me - and again we make eye contact.
1 - We make eye contact and as I look at you I am thinking 'God you are so ugly, I don't like you at all'. What would you think of me? I hope you would think something like 'You are really pathetic, god you are such a sad individual, you need to grow up - how old are you? Infact I feel sorry for you that you are so shallow and see negatives in people that you do not even know. I am a good person and treat people well and I have feelings, I don't deserve to be judged in a horrible way for being me - I try to look my best just like you do, I could pick out faults with you if I wanted, but I am better than that, I am better than you, you are an ugly person for the way you see people, you are worth none of my time, your opinions on me don't matter because I don't like you as a person'.
So basically if anyone thinks the very worst of you because of your looks - their opinions matter nothing - they are a horrible person, they are irrelevant to us, we don't want that sort of person to like us, so who cares what they think? They probably think that way about lots of people. Its their problem, they are not a nice person, they will almost certainly never find a lasting happy relationship as they are shallow and self centred, once the appeal of looks fades with someone they meet their relationship will fall apart - their attitude will bring them unhappiness - its their problem not ours. Blessing in disguise!
2 - Second instance - I look at you without thinking bad of you, but I don't find you attractive. 'That person seems shy and probably a nice person. I don't fancy them though' - What would you think in response to that? Is there any reason for you to feel self conscious and feel bad about yourself that they don't fancy you from how you look? They are not judging you negatively, you are just not their type. Well there are things to think about here - such as - they don't find you attractive in terms of love at first sight - but that doesn't mean its not possible if that person got to know you that they could still not like you like that. The two girls at work I fancied most by miles are women that I had no opinion of how they looked, didn't see them at first sight and think they were pretty. But when I got to know them I thought they were amazing, I fancied them loads, their looks grew on me. I am surely not the only person to think that. So either way - if this person could never like you in terms of wanting to date you (i.e. they are shallow and believe beauty is skin deep - they are not the sort of person you are interested in - as you look deeper than that at people and are not looks orientated) and anyone who could end up wanting to date you if they saw what a great person you are - well again there is no need to worry what they think - just be confident and be yourself - let your personality shine through.
You also have to think how many people do you instantly fancy at first sight? Even gorgeous women I never fancy from first sight. I see beautiful women - it doesn't mean I fancy them all. No way at all. Currently at work I fancy 1 girl - but I didn't fancy her straight away. I have worked where I do for many years, and she has always worked in a different office - I walked past her for 2 years without ever noticing her. But over time I have realised she seems so nice and I just really see lots of good qualities in her. Its not just about looks, infact I don't think she is gorgeous looking at all, but there is just something about her - she seems really nice natured, intelligent, well spoken, I just think she is really nice. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I look at a person for the person they are - and I want to meet someone who sees the same things in people. I don't want to meet someone who only looks at people for how they look, that person is just not meant for me.
So again to sum up - if someone looks at me or you in a way whereby they are not judging us badly for how we look, but they don't fancy us by how we look - then this is nothing to worry about or to feel self conscious about. Remember what you want to be judged for - for being the person you are! Let your personality shine through, you are a good person with lots of interesting things to say - don't live your life avoiding shallow people incase they think bad of you.
3 - The final instance - I look at you and think you are nice - you seem sweet person, nice natured and I think you look fine.
Well if you knew I was thinking that way, I guess you would be thinking 'Oh that's sweet, thanks for thinking such nice things about me'. What would you have to worry about around me if this is how I see you? I think you are nice, nothing is going to change that unless something drastic happened such as I realised I didn't like you as a person - hence you were rude to me or treated me badly - such as ignored me to speak to someone better looking than me, etc or if your looks changed drastically for some reason. So you have no reason to be self conscious or worry what I think of you.
Surely instance 3 is the sort of person you want to meet? Therefore people who think 1 - you don't care about anyway, they are irrelevant - tolerate them, but don't ever let them have control of how you live your life - by avoiding them. The people who think instance 2 - let them see the real you - if they see how brilliant you are - if they are a really nice person who see the best in people - they will surely think hugely positive things about you and no negatives. If they do see negatives about you even though they see what a great person you are - well that is there problem, its a shame for them. The only people I want to give my time and thoughts to are people who see me as the real me - the brilliant person I am. I am not inferior to anyone, I am simply unique and human. People can be so different from one another - proof that we are all individuals, and we should never feel inferior to anyone.
I know you are not shallow and that your insecurities are because of bad experiences and the way you have believed things to be. But these beliefs are very negative - based on what horrible people have told you - making you believe you have a negative self image and that you are not good enough and that people see the worst in you because of your looks - afterall if people have pointed these things out its not a surprise you worry people think that way - but you only think that way because of negative beliefs - beliefs which needed to be put right straight away when you received negative comments, but unfortunately these beliefs weren't put right. Once you believed them its a downward spiral, you believe you are ugly, you look at yourself in purely a negative way, you see yourself as being ugly - you focus on the parts of you that you believe are most ugly, you believe everyone sees you as ugly, you believe when people see you - that they think you are so awful and horrible, you end up being afraid of people seeing or looking at you - you feel like you are being slaughtered by the people who see you, you believe all you are going to receive is nasty horrible opinions of you. Look what good its done for us? Look where we are in our lives, look at how much its held us back and the things we are afraid of. Those things don't hold anyone else back, that's because its irrational - brought about by very negative start process which has snowballed into what it is today. Well you can never overcome how you feel whilst you harbour those original negative beliefs, look at yourself in this totally negative way, to focus on just the perceived flaws in yourself, to believe that you are just not good enough compared to others, believing that everyone else thinks the same way - i.e. that everyone thinks the same way as those horrid people who were so horrible to us. Yes there are people like them - which is why we need to understand and realise that they do exist, but we need to seperate them from the good nice people who don't think horrible things of us, but see us for the person that we are. Those horrid people must be ignored and treated as irrelevant.
What people think of us really doesn't matter - if they like us or hate us - we should always be ourself - and showcase our personality and let people think wow what a great person. You have to remember also - if you are very shy and quiet and don't really open up to many people - then that is probably one very big reason why so many Social phobic people are single. Confidence is a brilliant and wonderful quality to have - to believe in yourself and to allow yourself to be you is a very desirable quality. People look up to confident people, people respect confident people, people won't take advantage of confident people. I am sure you with confidence will be hugely desirable and people would look at you in a very positive way! I don't know how you look, it doesn't matter how you look - if you try your best with your looks - then you should never feel self conscious - you can do more than your best. But just remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder and its not just looks its about the whole person you are - which includes your personality - so let it shine through, fear no one, what others think serves no purpose, you are you, the unique brilliant human that you are!
Jinxed, you never mentioned what parts of your appearance you are insecure about - all I can say is that you have got to let go off them, if you can't then you will always have to feel this way about yourself. I think it would be a very good idea for you to get talking about it - get opinions from people on the reality of what these insecurities really matter and how people see people who have these perceived flaws you feel you have about yourself. Your beliefs about these insecurities are so negative, biased and exaggerated that you are not thinking the same way that others do about these things. No one here is going to think bad of you, help yourself jinxed and start letting go. You will be so glad you have done in the end! Got to realise that you are just human, nobody is perfect. What is an insecurity? I mean yesterday I went to the shops but I felt self conscious as I had a spot on my chin, it was really red, I felt awful because of it. But if I saw someone else with a spot I wouldn't care less, insecurities don't matter to other people, only to ourselves - they are just our own worries. I mean how come all people who are any of the following: overweight, bald, have bad skin, bad teeth, scruffy, big nose, big ears, big chin, no chin, short, too tall, underweight, plain, etc - don't ever seem self conscious about their appearance? Maybe they are just not insecure about how they look. I don't look negatively about any people who have any of those features. You are worrying unnecessarily, its got to stop, and its got to stop right now! Don't do this to yourself any more. Stop these terrible negative beliefs that were brought about by horrible people, its time to change to a new mindset where you are good enough - we will help you see the reality of things that you are definitely good enough!
